A
female
age
41-50,
*udgeIt
writes:I have been dating a guy for 3-4 weeks, and we've had 6 or 7 dates. I met him online, things went a bit wrong before we even met because of big differences in life style that I pointed out. For example he is very well off and I earn a moderate salary but not enough to keep up with his lifestyle of eating out every evening, etc. We negotiated through that, though, and so far I have paid half on two dates and he's paid for the rest. He says he doesn't mind. I think he'd pay for everything but I am not so comfortable with that. OK so the dating was also bit rocky at first because on the first date he constantly held my hand, wouldn't really let go, and it was all too overwhelming. I told him I'd see him again but most likely on friendly terms rather than a date and told him why. On the second date, he was more relaxed and so was I. It was really nice. We had a little hug and the briefest kiss goodnight. Third date, I really enjoyed his company. We kissed and he invited me back to mine, and I declined. I declined again on the fourth and fifth dates. Eventually I agreed to go to his flat and the inevitable happened. It was all nice, but I hadn't planned to stay the night - or even have sex - so afterwards we went for supper and I went home. I saw him again last night and there was no question of me going back to his because we were both busy with work today and he had to stay up late for work. But he invited me to stay with him Friday night. I have two issues. I feel I slept with him too early and I wasn't comfortable with it. I don't feel we are a couple yet. Yet now we've already had sex with each other, I feel like I can't really say 'no' to going and staying over. I feel very vulnerale after having sex with him. I told him that. I asked him if he's dating anyone else and he said no, he hadn't checked his profile since the last time I "dumped" him (it's happened twice now that I've backed off, the second time after he sent an explicit text message one morning, that made me feel he was only after one thing). I feel like he's put up with quite a lot, with me "dumping him" twice though I did explain why. Now I feel weird because of the weird conversation about dating profiles. He just stated that his profile is still up but he hasn't checked it. He was being very defensive about it, actually. I like him, as much as you can like anyone after such a brief period, but I feel we got intimate too quickly for my liking. How can I explain this to him without pushing him away? I don't think he'll understand if I back off physically. I like him, I am attracted to him, he seems like a decent guy but I'm really scared of getting hurt. I get the feeling he hasn't had a long term relationship, at least for a long time, and it's something I should broach with him. I have no idea whether or not he's emotionally available and ready to share his life. At the moment I feel like he wants a dinner and bed companion. So I suppose the question is, how do I rewind and take things slowly again with him, or is it impossible? Ideally I didn't want to have sex until we became a proper, committed couple. Until after he'd offered to take down his dating profile, for example. Confused!
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female
reader, FudgeIt +, writes (14 November 2014):
FudgeIt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks ChiGirl, for sharing your experience - it sounds similar! I am seeing him this evening and I've said that I am not staying the night at his place. I have told him that I feel emotionally vulnerable and anxious having sex when the relationship is still so new and feels 'casual'. I think he's OK with slowing it down physically. It's also difficult for me, because I am very attracted to him. I know I have to go through feeling vulnerable at some stage but it just feels too soon, especially while he still has his dating profile up, we haven't met each others friends yet, etc. I just need a little more time to feel more secure, I think. Meanwhile, I am also watching him unfold and working out how much I like what I see. Sex can cloud that (for me, anyway) and make me thing there's a good match when there's just good sex. Honeypie, you are right, he's not necessarily the same as my ex boyfriends. I read a quote yesterday "just as a snake sheds its skin, we must shed out past over and over again" - Gautama Budda.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2014): I disagree with Chigirl's advice about what to say to him. Her suggestion would turn me off BIG TIME. I might not want to see you anymore just because of that, and I don't mean having to wait longer for more sex.
I suggest this:
Do tell him how you feel. Do tell him politely but firmly that you need to wait longer before having sex with him again.
But don't start playing the "I'm not that kind of girl" card with him. Its one thing to say you made a mistake, another thing to start pretending to be something you are not and expecting to have your cake and eat it too.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 November 2014):
 "So I suppose the question is, how do I rewind and take things slowly again with him, or is it impossible?"
Yeah, it is possible. Just tell him no when he asks to sleep over or go back to your place or vice versa. If he asks why then say you are not comfortable about getting that intimate when you don't know where this is heading yet, and you prefer to have sex only once you're in a committed and exclusive relationship. This is your preference, whether you had sex with him or not. I don't see how having had sex with him already should change that.
Truth be told though, I know how you feel. I met my current boyfriend from an online dating site too, and although we were exclusive it was too soon for us to have sex when we finally did have sex. It just wasn't planned, it was our first sleep over, and normally I've had sleepovers with new boyfriends without anything other than cuddling.. It's just a way to warm up to one another. Things got a bit out of hand, and in the heat of the moment I didn't feel like stopping. Same as you, I guess. But afterwards I felt a bit awkward about it. What I did was I told him that things were moving ahead a bit too fast for me, I needed them to slow down, and I was going to have to say no to sex now and again, because I wasn't completely "secure" in the relationship. It was still so new, and I didn't feel comfortable letting myself go completely. So I ended up turning him down several times in the beginning, even though I am a person with a high sex drive (seriously, I go nuts without it and want it almost constantly).
At first it freaked him out when I turned him down! It really did, because he had an ex who stopped having sex with him a while into the relationship, so he was really scared of ending up in that position again. So he took it quite seriously when I turned him down! Which did not make it better. But he just needed to get to know me too, in order to relax about sex and not take it so seriously.
He got to know me better, and was more at ease with the speed I set for the relationship, and I got to know him better and sex felt more natural and became something I started to initiate. Yes, we jumped a bit far ahead for my tastes, but time did catch up with us and it sorted itself out. But we needed to talk about it several times, because he actually did get seriously concerned about being rejected and took it personally (he'd lay awake for hours and wonder what was wrong). Sucks to end up in that situation, but as a grown man he could take it, and I am sure your guy can as well. He adapted and reminded himself that I am not his ex, and just a month or so later we both felt more at ease.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 November 2014):
 Just keep in mind that THIS guy is NOT the same guy(s) who betrayed you or mistreated you in the past. I know it's hard, but it's not "fair" to treat him as if he WERE one of those guys. Not fair on yourself either, because it KEEPS your mind rooted in the past.
Nothing wrong in not wanting to add sex to the mix again, just yet, but I'd just try and let thing happen more organically instead of trying to follow some made up schedule.
As long as you BOTH can agree to how you move forward together.
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A
female
reader, FudgeIt +, writes (12 November 2014):
FudgeIt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeypie,
It's just that I know that I attach after having sex and I have some issues with attachment and abandonment that I am trying to work through. I feel that if I know a bit more about him, his past relationships for example, I will be taking less of a risk. I know there is always risk involved.
I emailed him and said that I like him etc and that I would like to keep dating him but I would like to hold off having sex again until some time has passed and it doesn't feel "casual" because otherwise I feel vulnerable and anxious.
To me, taking down the dating profile is symbolic and shows respect.
Yes I am complicated and he knows it already. I've been honest about my situation. For example I recently got burned by a married man so that hasn't helped with trust issues. Perhaps I'm too complicated.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 November 2014):
You have some very strict rules you feel you MUST adhere to in order to avoid heart-ache?
You are a planner and less of a doer. Not the impulsive person who follows her heart and gut, but more of a if ABC is happening then DEF will happen on schedule in XYZ days/weeks..
Am I reading you right?
I think you should AVOID dating at "home" (his or yours). STICK to public dates. That way, sex is less likely.
He MAY not be entirely SURE you two are a good fit after ONLY 3-4 week with 6-7 dates. Doesn't mean he will avoid sex if it's offered.
YOU are more focused on PAST hurt then letting "this" (whatever it is with this guy) happen organically. Him taking down a dating profile doesn't MEAN he is going to BE exclusive with you. Doesn't MEAN it will work. THERE ARE NO guarantees.
If you feel thinks ARE going to fast then YOU slow it down. But if you tell him, I'm afraid YOU will hurt me if we don't slow down or I'm afraid to get hurt - you CAN push him away instead of slowing things down.
I think (to be blunt) that you have some seriously problematic expectations of him. Like he should take down his dating profile after 3-4 weeks with you. If he hasn't checked it, HE ISN'T looking for someone else. But not having REMOVED doesn't mean he isn't serious about you, it just means it's ONLY been 3-4 weeks. BARELY a month.
For many people SEX is a part of dating. For some it MATTERS if you are compatible in that area or not. Not saying you should have sex with him, but just saying not everyone thinks like you do. Others WANT a firm foundation BEFORE the sex.
He takes your "slowing things down" as rejection ("dumping"). YOU have done it twice in 4 WEEKS, and HE is still there. If he was JUST looking for sex, I think he would have walked away and found someone less complicated.
I think the sex you had, could be a good thing. It kind of got that "hump" out of the way. So now you can focus on getting to know one another better.
Keep the dates in public. Mix it up. Don't do the SAME date (like dinner) but visit a museum, the theater, concert, hiking - whatever common interests you two share. That way you will find MORE to talk about and it could be easier to GET to know him.
And it's NOT that I don't understand your hesitation. NO ONE wants to get hurt. Not even the dude you are dating. But having sex this "early" doesn't HAVE to be a bad thing. Like I said, there are no guarantees. You could have waited 6 months and then found out you two didn't mesh at all sexually.
Maybe you and him aren't a good fit. Because you are ready to share his life after only 3-4 weeks? Or you expect HIM to be ready to share yours?
My advice, relax. ENJOY getting to know the guy. And trust me if you don't have sex for another month or two doesn't mean... you can't get hurt. Having sex doesn't = getting hurt.
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