Is it possible to get her off my mind without having sex with her?

Tagged as: Cheating, Sex, Three is a crowd

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Question - (23 May 2008)

5 Answers - (Newest, 3 June 2008)

A female age , anonymous writes:

I've been attracted to this woman at work for quite awhile, and things have escalated between us but we haven't even kissed yet; we're both married. Is it possible to get her off my mind without having sex with her? We both want to but so far we are keeping our marriage vows. Please help!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008):

Thanks for clarifying how things have escalated between you. I just wanted to be clear that the feelings were mutual (i.e. there was an element of uncertainty in my mind as to whether she felt the same way about you!). Right then – next steps! Let’s tick that ‘grass is always greener’ box right at the start. Does this new woman make you feel any different or any better than your wife did when you first met her? If you can honestly answer ‘no’ to this question then frankly I’d recommend that you continue to honour your marital vows. If you can honestly answer ‘yes’ then, my friend – you appear to have a problem. If this is the case then I guess your wife is further away from being your soul-mate compared with this new woman – and therein lies the problem. You do realise of course that by sleeping with this new woman, well, guess what – she will be on your mind even more (and maybe to the detriment of your work!). I’ve learnt the hard way that you should make women feel part of ‘the journey’ and not ‘the destination’ – the latter will kill the passion! I just hope that you haven’t any children. If you have then this really will complicate matters as you know! I know how you feel about missing this ‘other’ woman at weekends. I like to think that I’m in a similar situation at work, albeit, I suspect this other woman may be attracted to me – but I do not know for sure. It’s a bit like a magic trick where there’s a silk blanket over the cage and you know that when the magician whips the blanket away there’ll be a beautiful woman underneath. Seems like you have whipped that blanket away and the beautiful woman is right there for you. For me the blanket is still on the cage and therefore remains to be seen whether there’s a woman (i.e. that woman where I work in particular!) under there for me. I’m not married but I have two very small children. This makes that ‘forbidden fruit’ all the more enticing. If you have no children and if you’re not a religious man then you may not feel overly pressured to honour your marital commitments. I daresay you’re probably diverting all your positive energy on to this new woman at the detriment of your spouse. You may even be building up resentment towards your spouse and making unfair comparisons. But I sense you’re a decent man. If you just wanted sex then you might consider going to a prostitute – but obviously you’re far better than this since you have feelings for this new woman and deserve some credit, therefore. I’ve been in my relationship for 11 years (and never had a girlfriend before that – not for the lack of trying...tried too hard, in fact!) and so have always lived with the curiosity of wondering ‘what would it be like’ with another woman. I suppose the more you are ‘committed’ (or rather, the more you have to lose!) the more tempting temptation becomes! Developing feelings for another woman when you’re already married is not ideal of course. People talk about ‘having an affair’. If they were in a similar position they may be inclined to describe this instead as ‘being attracted to someone who they may well be better suited...if only they’d met them earlier’. We all know that the quantity and perhaps also quality of sexual interaction tends to decline over time once we’re married. But surely the tell tale sign of someone about to have an affair is when your spouse catches you late at night – not watching pornography (for a change!) – but actually watching romantic films instead! Then you really know you’re in trouble! In conclusion, if you genuinely and objectively believe that this woman feels the same way about you as you do about her, then I suspect that you’ll give into temptation/your romantic inclinations sooner rather than later. Many will chastise you for lapsing into infidelity – but I won’t be one of them. Who knows, you may love your wife, but ‘as a friend’ whereas this new woman is ‘the real deal’ so to speak. Just console yourself with the thought that you are at least able to see the new woman every day at work (in a professional sense to date!) and therefore need not make any snap decisions. For sure this issue will come to a head and you will have to accept the consequences of your actions. That will be the hardest part of all. Not easy this ‘life’ thing, is it? Good luck and let us know what happens. Incidentally, sorry for the delay in responding – I was on holiday with my partner and children, and yes, I was thinking about this other woman at work all along! As I said: not easy, especially when you starting ‘needing’ to be with someone who is not your wife and this yearning starts to manifest itself in emotional pain. Worse still, you may never consummate your relationship with this new woman and spend all your time in ‘limbo-land’ which will ultimately have a negative impact on both you and your spouse. Indeed, for sure this issue/problem of yours (and mine!) will come to a head...