A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dated this girl for about 3 months in the summer. Extenuating circumstances happened that basically necessitated that we break up. Except things were really good, like we were totally right for each other. So she was reticent, and fought me on it. Eventually, to cut cleanly, I was really a jerk to her, and inadvertently hurt her badly.Fast forward to now. We were apart about a month, and then the extenuating circumstances cleared up and I was fully in control of my life. The things that emotionally and physically were holding me back are gone, so I re-entered her life, apologized and am trying to make the time away up to her. This was maybe a month ago.So, all along, she's like, I never stopped thinking about you, I fully plan on us getting back together, I'm just going to have a really hard time trusting you for the time being, and you're gonna have to earn that back. Fair.So we're getting closer and closer. We Skype for a few hours most nights. Everything I felt for her has come back. And I think likewise for her. So last night, we were Skyping, and somehow it just very naturally transitioned into us telling each other we loved each other, which we had never done before.She texted me after we were done Skyping, and asked if I was afraid I said it too early. I told her no, that if I'm being honest, I really do feel that way. I returned the question, and she told me no, she feels the same way too, but is still afraid I'm going to break her heart again and so doesn't trust me fully, and that's going to have to be fixed before we date again.For what it's worth, knowing our history, I believe her. Especially all the time she's invested in me in the last month. But some of my friends disagreed, they said that love and mistrust are two emotions that cannot occur simultaneously.Also for what it's worth, I don't necessarily care if she takes me for an emotional ride. I've told her I'm totally making myself vulnerable to her right now, because even if she doesn't give me her best, she deserves mine after what I put her through. So if she takes advantage of me, so be it. I'd prefer not, but still, I digress...So is it possible that she actually does love me and is terrified of getting heartbroken again, or do you feel she is likely just playing me?
View related questions:
heartbroken, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2015): Don't just explain to her why you did what you did. Show her you have changed by not making the same mistakes again. Be a positive influence and help her come out of it.
That's all you can do. She may change her decision and may not respond positively.. but I think you are prepared for it. But if you don't want her to forget you, make sure you give your best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2015): She's giving you a second chance. She has a forgiving spirit, and that is rare and precious. Do not take it for granted, because it is also fragile.
Not right now, but in time; you must explain those extenuating circumstances that pulled you apart. In order to regain her trust you must explain why you broke her heart. That is a very terrible thing to do to someone. The worst, if you ask me.
Don't go overboard being "phony" and too nice. Be honest, considerate, fair, and affectionate. Be gentle and kind.
She must reciprocate for all the effort. You don't have to grovel; if she is willing to offer you a second chance. You just have to be sincere and persistent in your efforts to regain her trust. If she sets the bar too high to reach, don't kill yourself. It isn't fair; if you can never reach the goal. If she raises it ever higher and higher.
It all depends on how much of a jerk you were. Too much of a jerk does not deserve a second chance. Groveling for forgiveness is just an empty gesture to dismiss what was done to hurt her. It's manipulating her emotions in order to expedite forgiveness. Don't even try it.
This is the one time you put logic aside and let your heart be your guide. This is emotional; so you must appeal to that side of your mate in order to earn forgiveness. I forgave someone I loved for cheating on me. I caught him in the act; so he couldn't even lie about it. I had to look at our history together, his character, and how sincere he was about making it up to me. I have a forgiving nature, but I'm far from a fool. He earned my trust and never lost it again. It made us stronger as a couple.
Take it slow and easy. Let your heart guide the way. Don't rush her forgiveness. If you do, she will change her mind.
Be patient. Like I said, if she sets the bar to high to reach; stop. That means you're being punished and you will never really earn forgiveness.
The bar should be high, but not unreachable or unreasonable.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2015): It is totally possible to love someone and feel that you can't trust them at the same time. It is not possible however to build a relationship where there is no trust. But she has stipulated that you have to win her trust back and you seem very willing to try and do that.
Don't listen to your friends when they dogmatically stipulate that certain situations can't arise. Everyone's different and people are all different. Only you and your girlfriend know what's possible and what isn't. Your friends are, I imagine, in your age group and so they haven't had the life experience to know whether what they are saying is true.
I can't imagine she's playing you, but I suppose you never know. Trust your gut feeling. Do you feel that she's genuine? If you do, then she more than likely is. And think about it. Why wouldn't she still love you?
Good luck and may I just say that you sound emotionally stable to me and that you understand that you've got to win back her trust. It sounds to me as if you will succeed.
...............................
|
