A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:is it possible for people to really change? ive been friends with this guy for a really long time now and hes an extremely smooth talker who has hurt, cheated and manipulated other ppl including me. he was then deeply hurt by someone he really cared about, and after that he started talking to a professional as he felt like he had lost himself when he started becoming an egotistical ass. now hes been so nice to practically everyone and his attitude towards me has changed but some ppl still think this is an act. is there some way to tell he is lying or putting on a show or has he really changed? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): First and formost, do not absorb too much of what 'Rae1031' has stated. She is partially right but it is obvious she may still be bitter towards what she has experienced. Unfortunately it is very sad there are guys like that. However, if he is finally being genuine about his change, it is nice to know some men have the courage to admit thier mistakes and get the help the feel they need. Not all situations are about control and manipulation, but actually wanting to change after experience hurt themselves. NOte to yourself, you do not have to jump into anything if you decide to take another chance. Take time and see if he actually has changed, you can test him without having to be with him. Besides guys like that have no patience, so take your time and see what happens.
A
female
reader, Rae1031 +, writes (25 January 2009):
I am no expert in this field by any means. As a matter of fact if there was a gold metal or some kind of "Miss Bad Judgement Call of The Year Award", it would be hanging from my neck right now. One thing I can tell you is that my husband is you friend (in descriptive terms of course). So are thousands of other men out there, that is why there are so many abused woman, like me, on this site crying out for help. Every one of us trusted a man that hurt us and some of us, like me,thought that we had finally found the strenght to pick our selves up and live our lives without the man that hurt us, only to find him at our front door or on the phone line begging for forgivness and doing everything within their power to convince us that they had changed. There is a double fear involved with that. The first obvious fear is that if he lied and abused us before he might do it again. The second fear is, I spent so many years tolerating this abuse, just hopeing and praying that one day he would "see the light" and become the loving, caring, sincere man that is standing in front of me right now, the one that I love. If I reject him now, if I allow him to walk away without giving him a chance I may mess up my one and only oppertunity to get the love and respect that I deserve from the man I love. I fell into the second catagory and even agreed to move away and marry him as a symbol of our true love and a fresh start. It took approx. 2 months for him to turn right back into the abusive a-hole that he actually had always been. I am not saying that your friend did not make some real changes, since he did reconize his problem and seek professional help, I would say that there is a far better chance that he has really changed then my husband. I am also not saying that people can not change because I have seen it happen, in different situtations. What I will tell you is that the one thing that could have spared me from going through the abuse that I am currently suffering through with my children would have been time. I was so scared that if I did not take him back right away or if I showed him any kind of rejection at all he would give up and I would "blow my chance" at a great future with him. I was horrified that some other women would get the love from him that I deserved so I rushed back in before that could happen. What I did not stop to think about was that he was the one standing before me asking for a second chance because he blew the first one, not me. I also did not stop to think that if he really has changed then why should I fear him giving up or giving all this newly found love in his heart to some other woman. If he is here because he loves me and has changed so much then he should understand that the damaged he has done will take time to heal and he will stand by my side and help this pain to heal no matter how long it takes. He should want the whole me back, not the broken me that he left behind when he walked out. If he is so busy helping me to heal then he won't be bothered to be out there "shopping" around for other women to give his love to anyway. Yea, this is how I should have thought. This would have saved me so much greif. So there is your answer - TIME! Time reveals all. Use it to your advantage. Also, have you ever told your friend that you felt he needed to get some professional help to overcome his abusive ways? Now that he is telling you that he has gotten the help, do you think that he may only be telling you this because he knows it is the only thing that will convince you that he has changed? Find out when, where and how he got this "professional help". Please always keep in mind that people who are abusers were very often abused throughout their own childhood. The emotional disfunctions that come from this sort of abuse take years of counceling to correct. If what he is concerding to be professional help is spending two hours online with DR. Fix-it-all then he has not gotten the help he needs, he has only gotten a band-aid that will eventually fall off. Check into it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): Yes. It only takes the right person to change someone. Maybe that one person that hurt him is what he needed. Maybe losing that girl was what made him see who he really was.It made him realize what he had become. Sometimes pain is a good thing, if it is caused by the right person.You should try talking to him. The people that think it's an act probably don't know him that well, or most likely aren't even that close to him at all, let alone tell you who is he, or if he has changed.Trust what is in your heart, not what people tell you about him. Try talking to him again. Maybe he really has changed.You will never know, unless you find out from him yourself. If you keep listening to what everybody else says, you might miss out of a really incredible thing, rather it be a relationship, friendship, or Etc."Happiness is not to be talked about only found"
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