A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We've been married for 4 years. He has left because he says I have changed. He has moved into our other house. He says I am not the same fun, confident woman I was when we got married. I don't know what happened. I hadn't seen it until now. I can't eat or sleep. I've lost almost 10 lbs in just a week. I try talking to him but he shuts me out. When we got married I told him I would do it one time only. I'm not willing to give up my marriage. He says he still cares about me but he cannot say he loves me. What is afraid of? I will do everything I can to show him that I AM the same person he fell in love with. I have chosen to seek counseling. Am I doing the right thing? Is it possible for him to still love me even though he won't say it?
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (2 September 2008):
 I think this can be looked at two ways. Either you have let him consume your life and have stopped wanting to do anything alone so therefore appear needy to him as you are suffocating him and not allowing him space or something is going on in his life and its not in fact about you,its him, he has changed the way he feels towards you. What he once found loving and cosy is now clawing and annoying.
Take a step back and see if you can find what changed and when. Did you in fact become too dependent on him or did his attitude towards you change first?
I agree that you maybe need to give him a little space and leave him to think about this. I know its hard as its not what you wanted, didnt see it coming and want to spend the rest of your life with him. I would probably do the same in your shoes but I bet its driving him further away. The best thing to do is to appear strong, you dont know what the hell is going on his head but if you keep crying etc it will make him worse whereas if you appear outwardly strong he wont know what to make of it and may open up a bit more to you.
Unfortunately at the end of the day you cannot make him stay if he wants the marriage over but I do feel there maybe more to this, but he wont tell you until he is ready. I wish you luck x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): I had this kind of thing said to me when my husband was actually having an affair - I didn't know about it. He put all these things onto me saying I had changed , wasn't the woman he married etc etc. I would have a think if there is anything different or strange about him. You are scared now and upset so you are behaving in a desperate and needy way. Stop this at once as this shows you are dependent on him and men hate this. I too was very confident and outgoing prior to marriage and then became cozy and I suppose complacent as time went on. Stop showing you are upset and don't let him force you into councelling or anything else unless you actually want to do it. I was made to feel very small and I became a shadow of my former self, begging him to come back, not eating, crying grovelling etc , saying I would change everything about me if only he would come back/ try again etc. The fact of the matter was he was using these things because he wanted to be out of the marriage and really it wasn't me it was him. Now you need to be strong, stop crying and be assertive and confident when he calls. Tell him that some space will be a good idea - even though you don't want this- and that he obviously needs to find himself. Don't grovel, be calm and get him off the phone quickly. This will surprise him and make him wonder what is going on. He sounds controlling to me. I know you love him and want your marriage but this is the best way to behave as it shows him you are calm, rational and able to perform perfectly adequately on your own. No more crying, be hard and you stand a good chance of him coming back. Seek some personal councelling if you want to do it but not just because he says things are wrong about you and you need to change etc.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 September 2008):
 This all sounds rather fishy to me. If you have no clue why he thinks you've changed so much then you most likely haven't but he has. The fact that he has moved out to your other place makes me think he's up to no good. I hope I'm wrong but he may be cheating. Check that out and stop beating yourself up over something that was caused by him.
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A
female
reader, Tevote  +, writes (2 September 2008):
 Hey there.
I am very sorry to hear about your situation-NO this doesn't happen to every woman or every marriage but sometimes it does.
In your case just give your husband some time, don't over think the situation. Marriage is a very hard thing, but any problem can be worked out. From the sound of it, it seems as though your husband may need time away-to think. In the mean time, stay strong, find yourself again.
Maybe he does still love you, he could just be afraid of admitting it, but only he knows the answer to that question.
So just give him some time, if he doesn't contact you then simply...Write him a letter perhaps? Leave him a message, tell him you're willing to work things out because you want to, You don't want to lose someone as important as him in your life. But don't be to pushy, men are not always best at dealing with emotional situations.
I hope that some of my advice has helped, and that everything works out for the best.
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