A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am posting this question partly out of my own insecurities but also because some people are talking behind my back. I am a virgin who is in his first relationship. My girlfriend is a friend from school who got divorced not too long ago. I used to be a shy kid so she never noticed me. We met again at a school reunion last and have bonded since. Sometimes I ask myself this question, is it possible for an attractive woman to fall in love with an ugly man like myself. I couldn't be more different than all her previous partners. They were all good looking, athletic, and confident blokes. None of these are qualities I have. The only thing I have better going for myself is that I am financially stable. Her ex husband was always between jobs and was a jerk who physically abused her. Actually most of her previous partners were jerks. I am asking this question now because I overheard two of my colleagues gossiping that the only reason a hot woman would date me would be for my money. They are two co-workers I don't get along with by the way. Been having a lot of self doubt lately. Been a couple almost a year but I haven't initiated sex because I am embarrassed about my lack of experience. She has not initiated either I assume because she doesn't find me attractive. We have been together for ten months. It is quite obvious she didn't fall in lust with me. But I do have a sense of humour and she says I make her laugh.
View related questions:
co-worker, divorce, her ex, money, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (8 June 2019):
 A website called "beautifulpeople.com" is MEANT to be shallow, hence the URL. Most people would get kicked out for not being model-like. That doesn't mean you're "more ugly" than the average person.
Ignore her family. Attractiveness to others is largely unimportant and you're not dating them.
Are you happy with the makeover? Do you still feel like yourself? If yes, keep it. If not, tell her nicely. You HAVE to stay true to yourself because being someone else's sculpture is exhausting. Also, growing a beard doesn't mean you have a weak jaw. You're just looking for reasons to put yourself down. Watch Queer Eye on Netflix, if you can; ordinary people get made over to styles that better suit them. Often knowing what suits you (that you also feel comfortable in) makes you more attractive.
If she buys you more, it's unlikely that she's after your money. Besides, if she's trying to get you to show some skin and wear "sexier" clothes, she probably is attracted to you.
The main sexual incompatibility people have is refusal to learn what each partner likes. It's common for guys with tons of casual experience to be crap in bed because they don't actually try to please the women - they think they know what women want, but they don't because each woman is different. Your inexperience is irrelevant in that regard. As long as you try to please HER and listen to HER, you could become one of the best she's ever been involved with.
You need to have that conversation. Have you made out? Have you done more than pecks and cuddles? You need to talk about the future of your relationship. Does she WANT marriage? Do you both want children or not? Is she on birth control? Both get tested for STDs. First time sex in a new relationship often comes from the right atmosphere and making out - like after a date night. She won't rationally think you're using her for sex if you've been together this long without it and don't make that the main part of your relationship afterwards.
In the nicest possible way, you're making this more difficult than it needs to be because it's safer for you to avoid sex and think you're ugly. You need to just go for it, whilst making sure she wants to by reading her body language, going slowly so she can stop if she wants to and listening to her if she says anything.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2019): OP, time to find out. Is it possible she’s shallow? Yes. But it’s also possible she’s not. Only one way to find out. No one can tell you or find out for you. I feel like you are an incredible guy, don’t sell yourself so short! I don’t date guys for looks or money. Chemistry, personality, humor, intelligence are all very attractive to me. I’m not attracted to looks, or rarely am I. If anything, she may be as nervous as you are. Have the conversation with her, give her a chance. If she is shallow, lesson learned. There are many women, like me, who make our own money and who aren’t dating the most attractive men. Confidence is sexy. Intelligence is sexy. I want someone I can debate with. It sounds to me like she craves stability. If that’s what you offer than I promise you that she finds you sexy. Btw, I want to punch whomever took your confidence from you ;-) let’s get that back.
As far as your first time together. Don’t stress about it so much. Make it all about her. Make love to her. Massage her, kiss her, romance the hell out of her. I promise if she’s been with jerks her whole life she’s never had sex be about her. She will enjoy that immensely. There are many videos about pleasing a woman. Orally and manually. It doesn’t all have to be about intercourse. You can wait on that if it makes you more comfortable. So do some research, and things will go great. Good luck! I wish nothing but the best for you!
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (7 June 2019):
 I’m honestly intrigued why she hasn’t brought up a conversation about no sex in 10 months. Has nothing ever been said about this?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2019): Believe me, I am one ugly dude. I once signed up on www.beautifulpeople.com out of curiosity and got really low ratings. And got kicked out! By the female members of course. A shallow crowd there.And a more personal experience...Me and my girlfriend were attending her cousin's wedding and she wanted to introduce me to her family. We were seated at the same table as her sis and aunt. When my girlfriend went to the toilet I overheard her aunt whisper to her sister "Surely your sister can find a more handsome partner". Well of course they didn't realise a Hispanic dude might understand a little Chinese. Enough evidence of my ugliness ;-)So it's not just a case of low self esteem.Does she find me attractive?I never asked her if she found me attractive because I read somewhere that it signals low confidence.But...We were out shopping for my prescription glasses when I casually asked her "do I look nerdy in these glasses?" ...actually I asked her if I looked like Dwight Schrute, but not many people know who that is.That's when it started.She asked me if I wanted a makeover. She is a hairdresser by trade so I said why not. I gave her permission and a few days later I was wearing contact lenses and my balding head became shaven. I even grew a beard for her. I guess because have a weak jawline. Do I buy her lots of gifts?I think she buys more stuff for me than I buy for her. Mostly clothes actually. I am not a bad dresser. Its just that she prefers me to dress more sexily and show more skin. I don't have much in the looks department but I work out a lot and have low body fat. Why haven't I made a sexual move on her?Mostly because I am afraid of losing her. I don't want to seem like I ultimately just want sex from her. I really enjoy just her companionship and wish to marry her. But I also realise we must be sexually compatible before commiting to marriage. What if I perform badly in bed? Also, I feel silly, but I have no idea how to initiate sex, having no experience whatsoever.By the way, she doesn't know that I am still a virgin.I hope I didn't make her sound like she dictates my wardrobe. I actually stopped wearing contacts as they were uncomfortable and she was totally fine with that. Yea I do agree 10 months is a long time. I guess I'd better make a move now or never.Thanks you all for the advice.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 June 2019):
Looks don’t mean everything. It may be hard to believe considering you’ve not had much experience with females but I’d put that down more to your confidence than looks. I have many friends I wouldn’t necessarily class as ‘handsome’ but have done very well with females due to their personality and charm.
How are you treating this woman? Are you spending a lot on her? If so and you’re not getting intimate I would agree with your co workers that you’re giving her a free ride. 10 months and no sex in a relationship of your age range I would class as bizarre. I can see your side of things but what’s the deal from hers?
She could very easily of just realised the guys she usually goes for are huge wastes of time and you treat her with the respect she deserves, don’t be so cynical! You’ll never get sexual experience if you don’t try it, the longer you wait the more awkward it will get.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2019): Being divorced is a stigma ? Wow not where I live isn’t or at least it hasn’t been for the last fifty years or so And yes of course she can love you , looks arnt everything . At least they are not to women . Women tend to be far less superficial than men
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2019):
You say you're unattractive but she's divorced. That's worse because unattractive can be subjective... surely there will be someone out there who will find you desirable... But there's no two ways about being divorced; once divorced, always a divorcee. She will always have that divorced tag with her and no matter where in the world you're from, that carries a certain stigma with it. My advice to you would be to take her down from the pedestal that you've placed her on. Looks are NOTHING. If beauty was everything then all Hollywood actresses and supermodels would be happily married for eternity. Use your brains OP. She's just a normal person who made bad judgements in life.
Now on to the next part. It's possible that she's with you because of the money, the financial security that you bring, along with the fact that you're a nice guy. It's possible she's been learning from her mistakes and will not go for the "bad guys" again. It's more likely, however, since you haven't had sex in ten months, that she sees you as a very safe investment, as a relationship which requires almost zero effort. You most likely pamper her and buy her things because that is your way to compensate for your looks... You're scared she might leave you if there's nothing for her... While she happily takes whatever is offered. Why else wouldn't you be intimate? And more importantly, why are you settling for a relationship where there's no sex?
You're a smart guy OP. Put two and two together.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2019): Typo correction:
"Genes can be tricky little buggers!"
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2019): Someone's looks aren't always the "it-factor" that stimulates your sense of attraction towards them. Personality and chemistry comes into play; and people pickup invisible-signals that draw them to one-another. Real-love seeks something that comes from within; what projects from the core of the person. Not what's only on the surface. Love can be blind to the appearance; and seek something more important.
A superficial-world obsessed with youth and beauty has conditioned us to believe that ugly can't attract beauty; but reality sets the rules. What lies beneath the angelic-surface may be horrid, corrupt, and ghastly!
The truth is, people worry about what others think; so they are ashamed to be seen with less than attractive people. They are concerned about their image; and the perceptions of the judgmental-public. Yet could love someone deeply and dearly; in spite of their unattractive appearance. Then again, they can fake it.
Some fear they might not make pretty babies. They go so far as to forgo their feelings for worries regarding what their offspring could look like. Two pretty-people don't guarantee pretty children. You have to roll the dice there! Genes cab be tricky little buggers!
It would seem to me you're friends and companions. If you haven't made a romantic-move towards her; she is comfortable with you in the friend-zone.
I don't condescend or pander to people seeking advice or an honest opinion. I'll be straight-forward with you.
If you've been lavishing her with gifts and spending a lot of money; it isn't you she's attracted to. You're enticing her with your money. Bribery doesn't make people love you, it encourages them to use you.
No-one knows how she feels about you, but her; unless she has verbally-expressed her feelings towards you. If you're here asking us if she could have feelings for you; and she hasn't given you any clue that she is attracted to you in a romantic-way. I would safely guess you're a platonic-friend.
As far as being beastly in appearance; it didn't seem to discourage you from approaching her and dating her. If you're offering her benefits without sex; it depends on her character, motive, and the sincerity behind the connection you have. I don't gather it to be romantic; if you're not exchanging any sort of physical-affection.
If you feed a lovely bird from afar, it will recognize you and get used to you. If you continue to feed it, it will get closer to you. If you've been feeding it for a long-time; it may eat from your hand, but never allow you to touch it.
I think you have a lovely friend; but I don't think she's romantically-attracted to you. If she's making no moves towards you in that way; you've been friend-zoned from day one. If you've been generous and helping her; she may be taking advantage of your generosity. In the span of a year, you would know where this is going. It hasn't budged from being companions. That's your answer.
You should ask her if she is attracted to you, or are you just friends? Then you will know where you stand. You're too old to be afraid of women. If you're a heterosexual; you'll follow your instincts. Nobody can tell you what to do. Unless you're stricken with alexithymia, or Vulcan, and can't express your emotions; she has to receive signals to know what type of attraction you have for her. You don't have to hop into bed; but she has to know if you're physically-attracted to her.
If she does fall in-love with you...what are you going to do about it?
Can you fall in-love with an unattractive woman?
You've been idolizing her and placing her up on a pedestal. Most people would like that kind of attention. If you've been spending money, or paying her bills...you're her sugar daddy.
I think you're mature and intelligent enough to know the answer to your question. People will love your money, no matter what you look like. Hoping someone will fall in-love with you when you're doing nothing to ignite that kind of chemistry; is the fairy-tale approach. There is no such thing as magic. Only reality. Just being nice and generous will make a friend; it doesn't necessarily have to evolve into anything beyond that.
She probably thinks you're gay.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2019): Hey Man, go easy on yourself! As you describe the men from your womans past, they all sound pretty darn ugly to me! As for the guys that you overheard saying that she is only after your money, they sound right on par with her exs, who showed what lacking jerks they are! Remember, that you sir, according to the Bible, are made in GODS OWN IMAGE!!! I agree wholeheartedly with You Cannot Be Serious! You know, to kids how pretty pills are? They look like colored sweet candy, but they are deadly poison to that child. So too with the handsome men that were in your ladys past! Understand that plain and ugly are not synonyms! Also plain is not bad/just think Bread, Milk, Potato/ my point is plain is often better than pretty, and that applies to people too! Stay Strong My Friend! Love Conquers All Things!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 June 2019):
 Oh sweetheart. My heart goes out to you. Who told you you are ugly? Just because you are not a "pretty boy" does not make you ugly. (Ignore the bitter twisted jealous colleagues.) Also, beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder. Someone may be classically attractive but be an ugly person, and vice versa. The personality will be a lot more important than the looks in the end because people get used to the outward appearance of someone and eventually hardly even notice it, but the personality has a big impact on the relationship all the time and, if someone is a good person, their partner will see that in them and that will affect their feelings for them.
Make the best of yourself. Always be well groomed and well presented. Wear clothes which suit your colouring and build. Don't just follow fashion blindly, regardless of whether something suits you or not. You are not short of money so spend some of that money on yourself to make sure you look your best. That will make you feel better about yourself and, hopefully, more confident.
I suspect your girlfriend has matured into realizing that there are far more important things to a relationship than someone's looks. Humour, kindness, the same outlook on life are much more important in the long run, as well as a willingness to work and pay your way.
Did you think your girlfriend might be with you for your money BEFORE you heard your horrible colleagues talking about your relationship? Do you spend a lot of your money on her? If the answer to both questions is negative, then you need to see their evil comments for what they are and rise above them.
Regarding the sex, if your girlfriend found you repulsive, she would not want to be with you. Perhaps SHE feels YOU don't find her attractive as you haven't made a move on her? The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to resolve. There is no shame in admitting you are a virgin. Just say you have never met the right woman but now you feel like you might have and ask her to help you. Don't forget the contraceptive precautions.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 June 2019):
 I think you make her feel safe, respected and perhaps loved. Something she might NOT have felt with the other men.
EACH relationship is different.
IF she was JUST with you for your money, I think you would know by now. Do you pay her bills, take care of her debt, buy her a lot of gifts?
If so, then she is probably enjoying the SECURITY your income provides.
IF you are NOT paying for her or buying her stuff constantly, I'd wager that she figured out that her "usual type" were toxic men for her and she made a conscience decision to NEXT time date someone who wasn't just good looking but someone who is a GOOD person. (you).
Her not having initiated might be LESS to do about your looks and more to do about her feel perhaps RELIEVED that a GUY is with her NOT just for the sex. But at some point, I DO think you ought to talk to her about the sexual side of your relationship. Or this non-sexual will continue.
Having NO experience isn't the same as NOT being able to please a partner or make them enjoy physical contact.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 June 2019):
Looks fade. Love for the person keeps it going. COMMUNICATE. She’s with you for a reason. If she’s not a bitch, she’s unlikely to be with you for money. Time to establish what you both want sexually because she may be feeling the same thing. The longer you leave it, the more difficult it will be.
...............................
|
