A
female
age
30-35,
*inkbunni3xz
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. Lately in the last month, it was extremely rocky. We've been getting into a lot of arguments I admit a lot of it has to do with me picking at little things. He wanted to break up in the beginning of the month and then after a week of NC he comes running back and realizes what a mistake he has made. Then when we get back together when we argue or something, he immediately shuts down and then doesn't talk to me for another couple days. This has been going on and off for the past month and I am just so sick of it. He knows what I need in a relationship and that is to feel safe and secure and not having someone just running off when things gets bad or throws the break up line. I know he's not cheating because he values loyalty a lot and I've actually knows him through a long term friend so I know he's not a cheating type. I am just so tired of this indecisiveness I told him let's just take a month's break until Feb.He claims he needs time to think. He doesn't understand why he promises me and then can't commit. He just started school and is learning a lot. He told me he needs time to grow. When I mentioned if we should see other people, he got so mad and said " I wasn't even thinking about that, but if you want go ahead".I don't even know what I'm looking for from your responses. I know what the deep issues are. I'm just so torn inside. I know if he wanted to be with me he would know. I don't think I need to convince someone to be with me. During this month we know that if we want to get back together he need to make a fresh start. One of the things we need to work on is trusting each other. I wish things wouldn't be so complicated.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 December 2011):
When I read this, all I could think was that he's not really interested in commitment unless it's entirely on his terms. He seems to be expecting you to fit into this nice, neat little box and never complain, and then just take him back like nothing's happened when he's had his whole 'no contact' thing.
I think the most honest thing he said was that he 'needed time to grow'. And I think that's true.
The problem is that you could wait a lifetime for him to grow, and he probably still won't do it.
My personal advice to you is to move on from him. Changing takes a long time, and he may never even do it. Better to let him go so he can grow as he wants in his own time, and so you can move on to someone who won't just run away and hide when problems arise.
A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (24 December 2011):
 I believe that he is probably finding it hard being in a committed relationship, and starting school which is also a very big commitment. He is young and trying to be everything for you. You said that - 'he knows what I need in a relationship' - Do you know what he needs in a relationship? Possibly just at this time in his life he doesn't need any added pressure, maybe school, and that it entails, is pressure enough. Try relaxing, and just be there for him without picking at the little things. Give him the space to grow, and you may find that you will grow closer together. Just something to think about. Be happy. xx
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