A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my husband for 2 years (but only married for about 6 weeks) - we got married mainly for practical reasons, he's in the forces and lives abroad and the only way i could live with him was to marry him. Before the wedding I was 100% sure that's what I wanted, I had a lot of doubts about some of the things he did - but he is a very genuine, lovely person and doesn't have a bad bone in his body. Anyway, about a week after the wedding (haven't yet moved abroad to be with him) I met someone else! It's completely ridciulous as I've never so much as looked at another man, and all of a sudden I've completely fallen for someone else. The other guy feels the same way about me, and is desperate for us to be together. It's completely ruined my relationship with my husband, he came to see me recently and i couldnt even stand being near him, obviously he is completely confused and hurt but I can't help myself! I was convinced we had to break up, and tried to end things (with husband) but he wouldn't let me go. Anyway, I now feel I have ruined the marriage from the start - even if it wasn't for the other man, i have destroyed the relationship and made the worst possible start. What can I do? I'm supposed to be moving over to be with him now, when all I want to do is be selfish and pretend he doesn't exist.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2008): Hunni, I had to reply as I'm going through exactly the same thing. My husband is in the forces and we have been married just over a year, we kind of got pushed into it as the forces make things far easier when you're married, I thought this was what I wanted, but I have come to realise that we are more like best friends/brother and sister than husband and wife. Now I have feelings for somebody else who feels the same way about me, nothing has happened as I refuse to cheat, but my husband is a great guy and it gets harder to leave every day. Please take my advice and don't end up in my situation. Work it out now. I am stuck abroad with nobody to tell and seeing this other guy around is keeping me going. I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you x
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (11 August 2008):
Yours is a common problem as the British army does seem to put the pressure on for marriage.
However, if you were ready to move in with him then surely you must have been over the part when you would fall for someone else.
Talk to your husband and tell him you feel like to rushed into marriage and are freaking out a bit. He can do the march in to your married quarter on his own if need be. As a wife you'd be expected to do it alone if he wasn't there.
Then you have to figure out if it's just panic induced lust with this new guy, or some real feelings, and take it from there.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): Girl you have gone and fallen in LUST with this other man. YOu need to ask yourself two questions. First is this two year relationship worth saving and Do I really Love My husband? Only you can answer these questions. After you find the answer to these questions then will you know what to do. I fell into the same trap about two weeks ago when my husband wasnt being much of a husband he was being more of a loafer than anyything and griped and argued about everything. So I began talking to this other man even met with him once. But in the end I had to ask myself those same questions. Needless to say I do still love my husband so I know that giving him a chace to change is something I have to do, I do think that my marrage is worth saving. I hope that you can find it in your heart to try and work it out. Its apparent to me that your husband Loves you very much. Im sure that being away from him is hard, and I know a woman needs comfort but hunny your barking up the wrong tree. OHH and to what the other lady said about living on base with your husband is bull sh*t I know plenty of other women who live on base with there husbands and not all of them have children, and alot of them are in there 20-30's give or take a few years. I have family who is over seas and he is in his late 20's with a wife around your age and they have no children yet. She loves it over there with your husband and you should be greatful that he is being sent to a place that you can actualy be with your husband and not to IRAC or a HOT ZONE as some would call it. A good man is hard to find so once you have found him dont let him go with out a fight.
I hope this helps
Take care and God Bless you and your Husband.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (11 August 2008):
 Hi,
you do sound very confused. And I think you may just be convincing yourself that your were 100% committed to the wedding. I rather doubt it, if you were you wouldnt have simply fallen for another man so quickly.
I think the marriage is over personally, if only because the ease of which you fell for someone else. If you only had eyes for your new husband this never would have happened.
Maybe its time to come clean and start afresh, he can as well. The life of a military forces wife is a lonely one, you havent even got there yet and already you have had a change of heart. In this case I would advise against packing everything up and joining your husband. Most of the other wives will be a lot older than you and have children; if you are only in your early twenties you may feel alienated , you do already by the sounds of it.
The military life looks like it isnt for you.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, jlovinj  +, writes (11 August 2008):
Well, I think this is a sad case of SELFISHNESS! It seems as if you really dont care about anything but your own situation. If you ever had an opportunity to do the right thing before please think deeply about the crossroads that you've just arrived at. Your decision at this time will forever effect the outcome of your life! My opinion is that if you love your husband then love him now and always with devotion and sacrifice to your vows! This new guy will only be a fling and a horrible mistake in the future. When it's all said and done you will probably want him back later on. I wonder if you have already had relations with the other guy because you're so taken by this other! It's all about making the right decisions and I feel sorry for the situation you're in at this moment.
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A
female
reader, kool aid +, writes (11 August 2008):
You cannot move in with your husband--especially in the state you are in now. You need to sort out your own feelings before involving another person, especially someone you are so close to, and someone, i'm sure, despite the fact you don't want to be around him, whom you care about. You have to talk to your husband, tell him your situation, or atleast tell him something. You can't leave him in the dark--its hurting him, its not fair, and its simply not right. He cares about you, and i'm sure he will be hurt, but he will understand. if this is happening to you, you are not ready for marriage, and moving in with your husband will result in you being miserable, and and him being miserable, and you would both end up resenting him. Telling him the truth could save your relationship, believe it or not. you cannot control your own feelings about this other man. But make sure your feelings for this other man isn't a reflection of something else you are feeling inside. If you truly want to be with this other man, then be with him. Don't be with someone you don't love. Sort out what you want, and then go for it.
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