A
male
age
41-50,
*r. Dutch
writes:hey there,I have been in a relationship for seven years now and my wife continues to reject my spontaneous advances.I understand things could be approached the wrong way, but I try and be fun or cute and at times alpha to initiate something spontaneous. I am talking something outside the bedroom, somewhere else in the house. in public or out for a date etc....the shower ? a surprise ?I find myself getting nowhere and feel like i am not being taken serious if being acknowledged at all.Unless its the bedroom with lights off then notbings happens and no matter my efforts i have to wait and wait and wait.Am i out of line for being frustrated and rejected ? is there anything i can do ? ps: i keep myself clean shaved presentable and am good looking...help. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (7 November 2014):
 Mr. Dutch,These issues are called living up to your vows. You didn't think life was going to let you make those vows and not test them to see if you were telling the truth did you??We are all tested, and the better our relationships, the bigger test. When you start letting something as simple as sex build up frustration in you, it then lead to resentment towards your wife. The same woman you claim "for better or worst" for when everything was great. Now that you hit the "worst" part, all the "better" just went up in smoke.It's like your job. You could be the best employee at your job for 10 years in a row. But make a big mistake, and no one remembers the last 10 years of good. They just focus in the bad thing.Same with your marriage. Do not focus on the tree and lost sight of the rest of forest. If the lack of be spontaneous is your only issues in your marriage, then give thanks for that blessing. Things could always be worst.But give yourself a pat on back for stepping up better than most husbands...Be proud of that.
A
male
reader, Mr. Dutch +, writes (7 November 2014):
Mr. Dutch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again,
I work fulltime and she is a stay at home mommy. I will say she does soo much around our house keeping things functioning and staying on top of the bills etc.
I would not discredit she has a busy day and can be tired at the end of it. I don't think either of us have more on our respective/collective plates than others do either however.
And I am not saying we have a kid at home awake or in the next room and I am suggesting I want to take her right then and there on the kitchen table or what have you.
I feel I pick my spots, like in the car, when the child is out and the house is left to us maybe on the couch ? like really not anything absurd here.
An honest craving for her, a desire to " go with it " in the " here and now " when it makes sense or what I thought did. She has now explained to me she only feels comfortable in the bedroom and she doesn't want there to be shadows a neighbour could see ( doesn't make sense as you cannot see a shadow with our type of blinds but ok it's her concern )so that's why it is in the dark.
I will respect her side of this absolutely but I am finding this is leading me to for me a more boring style of sex and I want to experience more.
I think we have a bigger problem, I make a lot of compromises as we all do, but this is getting to be too much for me.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (6 November 2014):
Mr. Dutch,Thank you for giving us more insight on your efforts, and I commend you on those efforts. Too many times I hear men want sex, but have done nothing to receive such reward. And yes, sex is a reward, not a right.Unfortunately, a lot of women go into mother mode when they have small children. Meaning, the child needs comes first before you are anything else. My wife was just like that.Although some women see trying to sneak sex in with kids around as be risky, and adventurous, my wife was not so in favour of that..."in case we got caught." Just having the kids in the home, even if they were sleeping, kept the mother mode "on".Find a baby sitter who your wife feels comfortable with. Then plan a night of wild fun. If that does not work...Then a good long talk with your wife may shed more light on your situation. Thank again.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 November 2014):
 so let me get this straight, she is running a home and raising a child... if she is also working outside of the home then she has a lot on her plate.
IF i had a small child I would be concerned they would be affected by our spontaneous in the kitchen or on the washing machine sex.
Maybe let jr go stay with grandma and grandpa and take wifey way to a lovely resort where you can have your spontaneous sex anywhere you like for the weekend???
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A
male
reader, Mr. Dutch +, writes (6 November 2014):
Mr. Dutch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the feedback, yes we have a child and no she was not always like this. I would also point out I have tried numerous times to talk about it, not in anyway pointing any fingers or making her feel im coming down on her and pushing blame her way. I am honest with her and how it makes me feel.I would consider myself a romantic, I am the guy who buys flowers, makes Valentines for her, does spur of the moment things because I want her to feel awesome and know she is important.We have arguments here and there, nothing major and we get along fine, I pay attention to her in all aspects, not suffocating but not absent either.I believe she enjoys our sex life, she reaches orgasm regularly and gets plenty of attention. My frustration is we used to be " risky " and spontaneous to a degree. But now if I try and initiate it is rejected, or I must wait until after midnight, in the dark when she wants it.The exception is the odd time she will accommodate me orally when I am in the mood and she is not, but I am always ready and willing for her and it's just what 30% of the amount she used to want and is only in this darkened almost robotic state.I feel like I want to grow sexually and explore and enjoy this part of my life with her and she has stopped at a different level. I don't want to come off as taking her for granted or anything, and I almost feel quilty about just wanting to be sexual with her now and this is frustrating the hell out of me.Thank you everybody for your replies, much appreciated.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 November 2014):
 There is a reason why sex is reserved for the bedroom, although lights on is find for me. My boyfriend and I had tried looking for places in public. Never found one. In the summer time too many mosquitoes. It's either too hot or too cold here. In the bathroom, the standing up position wasn't comfortable. The only thing I was able to do was a blow job inside the automatic carwash. We also had it in the basement of where his grandma lives and she's always upstairs with restricted mobility.
Your wife is someone who needs to feel private and safe to make love to you. You may feel bored doing the same thing over and over again.
I get a feeling even for bedroom lights off sex you have to beg for it too. If that's true you have to work through what obstacles she has. Does she need to feel romanced, swept off her feet? Have you asked her what excites her? You can still have great sex with lights off. When people say lights off they think insecurity and body issues but you can use your imagination because your minds are your own universes. In the dark your sense of touch is more acute. Maybe develop a sensual touch?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 November 2014):
how often are you in the bedroom in the dark with the lights off?
how often are you trying to be spontaneous?
has she ever been anything but an "in the dark in the bedroom under the covers" kind of girl? if she was and she no longer is then
DO YOU HAVE children?
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (5 November 2014):
When you met and started having sex, what was the reason for that?? Simple...her heart!!. You touched her heart, and she would have given you the world. Now you just want sex...but are you still touching her heart like when you met? Are you still making that same effort?
Don't look at her rejecting you. Look at what you are not doing that causes her to reject you. We are quick to point the finger at the other person and say "She this or she that." Now point the finger at yourself and ask "What am I doing to make the marriage the best thing ever?"
You will be surprise at how little you have done to win her over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): It's ok to want whatever you want as long as it is mutual.From little what you said (bedroom, lights off), your wife does sound conservative in that department. If we leave out the possibility that she's going through the motions keeping your encounters as far a part as possible, because she's not attracted to you and/or doesn't love you, it leaves some sort of frustration.Try talking to her without accusing her. Try to make her feel wanted all the time. It's not the sex you want, it's her.When I say wanted I meant sexually, but not only. For women sex begins outside the bed (or shower, or kitchen table). If she feels that you only pay attention to her when you want to get lucky, that's a major turn off.It means that you're not interested in her otherwise. I have no idea what she does for you and how romantic you are as a couple, but the person who becomes aware of the problem, should to something about it.Does she enjoy sex? What makes her climax? Or to get back to the basics, does she climax at all? Even today couples rarely discus problems with female orgasm. Many women are ashamed and think it's their fault.Whatever seems to be the problem, I'm sure you can find a way to talk it over with her. Just be open and prepare for anything. At this point I must even mention a possible sexual abuse. Sadly, it's far from uncommon and it's mostly suffered in silence.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 November 2014):
 Been there; done that.... EXCEPT without the planned-out intimacy, as well.....
You simply have to reconcile if you and wifey can find ANY (other) means of intimacy that will "go to" your desire to have intimacy (sex) in some manner other than in her scheme....
Me? I figured out that my G/F-at-the-time wasn't really much interested in sex, at all..... so decided that it was time to go our separate ways. I never regretted making that decision....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 November 2014):
 Just curious, do you have children?
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