A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel that I give more than I get. I feel that my husband hasn't got a clue what love really is...We've been together for almost 15 years. We met when I was 25 and he 27. In a way we grew up together. All the major life decisions (and efforts) we made together (finish studies, move to a foreign country, find jobs, buy apartment...).We both work (I even work on weekends), but I'm the one who takes care of everything on daily basis - cooking, cleaning, feeding the cat, buying groceries... After work, he's either glued to a screen (TV, PC), or more often to his chisels and gauges (he carves wood for a hobby).We tried several times to even the load, with no results. After a day or two, we're back to our old roles. I get up make breakfast he gets dressed and eats it.What really bothers me (and where my real question lies) is that I have the impression that he's not really there for me when it counts.Lets start with a minor example, a few days ago I sprained a muscle while exercising. When I got back home, he was watching something on TV. Instead of having a normal reaction (after 15 years with him I lost the notion of what it is supposed to be. Being worried? Cracking jokes?), he was angry with me. How clumsy I am. I don't know how to walk let alone jump... I thought that he was maybe just worried but didn't know how to show it. Wrong. This went on even when I pointed out how inappropriate it was. It went on for days. I saw a doctor alone. I went to do the ultrasound alone. He didn't even listen when I told him about my appointments let alone offered to come and pick me up after his work. What he did was came home for lunch (I had to make one!) on his break, because I happened to be home. I told him I wished I let him know I had needed him to pick me up after his work, so he would have known I needed help... that I wished we had ordered a pizza instead of me preparing a lunch (with my leg that hurts like hell). He became angry again and didn't want to talk about it. It's the same thing whenever I fall ill. Fortunately it happens rarely. It's somehow my fault... I'm just not strong enough.I have a feeling that whenever I'm not functional he's angry because his toy (robot) broke down and he can't have what he's used to. I know how horrible it sounds.The worst example I can think of is when my mother died. It was too complicated for him to leave work and go with me - I really get that. We had money only for my ticket - I get that too. When I returned from the funeral, I was also the one who had to rush from the airport to the lawyers office to sign some papers. It was scheduled months before, I could do it for him but he couldn't do it for me, yeah we always seem to organize things that way, so I really get that as well. But what I absolutely hated was when I actually got home and found him watching a film on our PC. No dinner, no hug, no nothing... He even said he had a terrible day. ?!?I never argue with him... but I do tell him when I think that his reactions are wrong... and than he gets angry...I haven't mentioned the good things, because these bad ones are really bothering me...I don't want to leave him (yet). I love him. I would have loved him even if I left him. Is there anything I can do to make him take a part of our load? To make him feel, be and act as a normal human being?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2014):
 So part of you reluctance to say no stems in fear of him going off on you. Maybe not 100% consciously, but it's there. It's a "I better do it or I'll have to deal with him yelling and being an ass to me" attitude. I have a husband with PTSD, if he gets into one of his "moods" where he is "pitching fits" (no better way to describe it) I tell him, if you want to talk about this, you need to calm down. Then I'll REMOVE myself from the situation. And if the kids are around - them too. Because I REFUSE to cower in fear in my own home. And I REFUSE to be talked to like I'm an idiot or whatever. It took time to learn that. I used to BE SO good as pretending it didn't bother me, and the cry later on. Did nothing for me or the marriage. I tell you that.
One thing YOU (and every other woman :) ) have to remember, is that YOU CAN NOT change a person. YOU CAN NOT "make" them BE someone they are not. In your husband's case, more caring. HE has to work on that himself. The therapy is a good start (if his counselor/therapist) is worth a darned. But even that... IS slow going. Which is why I say, START with yourself. Because... YOU can change things there. Such as setting limits to crap you will put up with and what you don't. Saying no, and meaning it.
And like SVC mentioned STOP catering to him. He is a GROWN MAN, and can make his own breakfast. And I would STOP picking his plate up after dinner and put it in the dishwasher for him. HE needs to DO those simple little things himself.
It will be HARD to ignore some of the things that all of a sudden won't get done, but if you keep doing EVERYTHING - nothing will change.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 November 2014):
 Things must change here but I’m not one for thinking that talking to him will work. My husband of two years takes me for granted already. I am a caretaker. I like to cook and clean and take care of him. Yet the fact that he takes it for granted pisses me off no end.
Every so often I shake up his world when he starts being too complacent and expects me to be the primary EVERYTHING in our home.
Other than taking care of the cat because it’s not the cat’s fault your husband is reacting this way I’d stop doing for him. AND I would LET HIM KNOW why. IF you feel unappreciated you can tell him “I’m not going to do these things anymore since clearly you do not care if I do since you make no indication that you appreciate it”
For example when my husband DEMANDS/ASSUMES I’m doing something and says “when will my laundry be done”” I will smile and say “when you do it, the instructions are on the machine” Yes he can do it. He knows how and it’s not hard to figure out and he’s smart. But he’s gotten lazy and complacent about these things.
Dinner will be “I’m hungry what’s for dinner” and I’ll say “whatever you make yourself” and go make myself a salad or something.
It sounds to me like your husband needs a LOT of down time from work to be in his own shell.. that’s me most of the time.. I just want to go home and read or play my game… I don’t want to do anything with anyone.. maybe watch tv… but that’s it… perhaps your hubby vegging out in front of the screen or in his workshop is his stress reliever.
My suggestions for you for the specifics you listed:
“I get up make breakfast he gets dressed and eats it.”
Let him know that breakfast is his own problem and make your own… don’t make breakfast for him. In my house I never make it on work days for either of us and on weekends, he has been told if he is UP before noon (he rarely is) I will make him breakfast and join him. He’s learned that cereal and milk are always available. DON’T make for him if he doesn’t appreciate it and say thank you and return the favor. He is a grown man he can feed himself and figure out how to cook or go buy something.
As for your pulled muscle…. Well did you tell him you wanted him to go to the doctor with you? While I keep track of our schedules for us in a joint calendar I do not assume my husband wants me at his medical appointments unless he asks me to go. IF I want him there I ask him to go.
As for his reaction, I can’t say… if my husband came home and said “I pulled a muscle” I’d say “oh poor baby would you like an ice pack and a vicodan?” in my most sarcastic voice. I would get him the ice pack and the vicodan but I would make it clear to him that he was over reacting… WHY? Because he does. He’s a pain wuss and a huge baby.
NOW when I am not feeling well he will remind me to take meds or something but wait on me hand and foot… only after surgery.. for day to day boo-boos we tend to be ON OUR OWN.
Is it possible he got angry because YOU NEVER get hurt and he was worried and he can’t put it into words and by pointing that out you pushed a button that caused him to continue to react badly? DID YOU TELL HIM WHAT response you wanted/needed? DID YOU ASK HIM to go with you? IF you don’t say clearly to him “I NEED YOU TO… “ or “I would like you to…” how is he to know?
WHEN he came home for lunch why did you make him lunch? I would have said “sorry I am not cooking lunch… you are on your own”
So when you got home from signing papers and your mom’s funeral you walked in and EXPECTED HIM to have a meal ready and be happy to see you…. DID YOU expect him to read your mind and know that’s what he needed to do or did you tell him? IF I do not tell my husband what I need/expect/want from him, how is he to know???? IF I did not call him and say “when I get home tonight I have to rush to the lawyers to sign papers, then I’ll be home and I do not feel like cooking so we can order out” Because if I don’t cook we order out. He does not like to cook and he accepts the cost involved when I’m not cooking… IF you tell him you are not cooking and he blows a fit you say “fine feed yourself and I’ll feed myself” then DO IT.
Communication is the big problem in many relationships and I think his constantly getting angry is a sign that he either knows he’s bad at it or he’s wrong and defensive or else he really has no clue and therapy may be the only hope for the marriage.
Part of the issue is if he doesn’t do something you want him to do you do it for him.. STOP taking care of him.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 November 2014):
 I've alwayd been told that giving more than you recieve is the definition of love. Those that take more than they give without remorse are obviously the opposite.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Honeypie, thank you so much for your answer! You gave me a lot to think about. The hardest part is sticking to any kind of chore division. And yes. He does make me feel guilty all the time. In his opinion I have more energy than him, because I don’t like my job less than he hates his. Even though I work on weekends, he thinks I have more time just because I get home one hour before he does during the week. The list goes on and on… including my happier childhood, better mother, higher IQ etc. And that’s why I should do everything he “can’t” (doesn’t want to).He has bad temper and it took me a loooong time to stop being petrified by his yelling, nagging, and overall negativity. But, I still have that mechanism of avoidance. I try everything I can not to tell him (or do something) that would trigger him. So, yes, instead of asking him to get the groceries with me (I can’t drive :), I just go and do it by myself to avoid having to listen to him complain all the way through, because it somehow always ends up being my fault (high prices at the supermarket, traffic jam, waste of time). And I’m not kidding myself; this is a kind of abuse.I just think that he’s not the worst part of himself and that he needs help. He’s been seeing a shrink, but I doubt they discuss our relationship because he doesn’t see it as a problem. And yes again, I have a major problem with saying “no” to people just because I don’t want to do something, I always need to have a reason, so that “won’t” becomes “can’t”. If I don’t find one, I do it anyway… I’ve been discussing this with my shrink.I’ll reevaluate my expectations. But they seem pretty low to me (and it kind of saddens me). I’d be happy if he’d put his plate in the dishwasher instead of leaving it on the table.It’s a relief to hear someone else say that I need to work on myself. Even though I work two jobs, I’m not independent (living in a foreign country) and my husband knows it (at least he is subconsciously aware of it). It’s much easier to take someone for granted that way… Thank you again!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2014):
If you have already expressed how you feel about it, and nothing happens you will have to try a different approach.
Maybe after 15 years your husband is just taking you for granted. The marriage has "worked" a certain way for so long and it suits him. He doesn't LIKE change.
Maybe YOU are a little like me? You just DO stuff instead of asking or simply not do it for him? Because it seems EASIER to just DO it.
You have to start with YOURSELF.
If you feel that no matter how unhappy you are feeling, you don't say anything but hide it deep and resolve to pretend you're okay with what's happening, because it's EASIER then trying to talk it out. Specially if you have tried OVER and OVER to talk it out - it seems pointless to do so.
If you are starting to RESENT him because you feel he is not pulling his weight, but you don't want to upset the status quo with an argument. And you KNOW he reacts NEGATIVE to you not doing the "what he is used to you doing".
Then you need to change YOUR approach.
Find nice ways to say things like no, stop, not again and do it yourself. It's OK to say no. Even to a partner.
Practice clear speaking. Ambiguity about your wants is a major reason why some people choose to take advantage of others.
Be more optimistic and put yourself FIRST more than putting HIM first.
Learn to stop taking things personally. YOU have BOTH set up these routines, they have over the course of your relationship evolved into what you have today - BUT that doesn't mean they can not change.
Learn to ACCEPT that HIS lack of planning is NOT your fault. If he doesn't PLAN for it... TOUCH cookies, LET him HAVE HIS lessons in managing his time better.
Don't have expectations that you know aren't going to be fulfilled - like when you were hoping he would order pizza when you sprained your leg. YOU would have done that FOR him and thus expect he THINKS the same way. YOu should know that by now, he DOESN'T reads your mind and he DOESN'T think the same way as you do. If you start to lower your expectations of him, he might actually start to improve and live up to the "lowered standards". Which in turn will make you less resentful. It might sound silly, but altering YOUR perceptions and expectations can help YOU.
DON'T give into "emotional blackmail" - if he tries to GUILT you into getting stuff done FOR him. Let's say you tell him no, I can't do XYZ for you today, I have gym (or whatever) and he tries to make you FEEL bad for saying no, DON'T buy into it. YOU, like EVERYONE else are allowed to say no. It's NOT selfish to not want to be your partners maid or servant.
Don't beat about the bush. Tell your husband, no and why you can't do it. Do it in a polite and firm manner. And STICK with using "I" instead of "you". Like I'm not doing YZ because I'm done feeling taken for granted. Instead of saying, I'm not doing XY because YOU take me for granted. Because if you use the "I" over the YOU he won't feel like you are "blaming" him for everything.
Be consistent. Dealing with people is in many ways like dealing with animals. CONSISTENCY wins.
Sit down, make a chore list. Figure out what YOU think is fair that YOU do - then STICK to them. Tell your husband that you FEEL like you don't have time to do them all by yourself so from NOW ON (and STICK TO IT) you will be doing abc and not abcdefghij....
I would also suggest YOU two DO things together again. Seems like neither of you are happy. He is on the computer/TV as an avoidance to interact with you. So I would suggest you two TAKE the time to go out, for dinner, museum, walk or make popcorn and watch a movie on Netflix.
I used to be HORRIBLE at telling people no. And people around me would take advantage. Like neighbors who would ask me to baby sit and it would go from a once in a blue moon to constant dumping their kid(s) on me. I was a stay-at-home so what else did I have to do in life? Right? I learned. Took me some time, but I'm getting much better at it. And it made me LESS resentful of others. YOU have to be able to say no if it's something you really DO NOT want to do.
Hope this will give you a little food for thought.
Sorry for typo's it's still EARLY in the morning here :)
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