A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it okay that I feel great contempt for the man that is now dating my ex-girlfriend? They had been together before she met me, but had separated because he had 'a lot of baggage' (her words). We started dating and then he comes crawling back 'a changed man' and she takes him back and leaves me.I love this woman and I don't have any animosity towards her. We are still friends, we still talk, we still flirt. I think I can even deal with the fact that we aren't together anymore (maybe I'm fooling myself though). What I can't deal with is the fact that they are together and I blame him and I don't like him. He is a much older man of vulgar and dirty mind and mouth. I bothers me to no end to hear him jest about lap dances, blowjobs, and sex when referring to the woman I love more than anything. (I admit I am a jealous person).Like I said, I am cool with my ex, but her being with him has got me so frustrated. I can't help it when he tags along and I don't expect her to tell him not to come when our group of friends is doing something. Whenever I see them together, I get so angry. I drink too much and I become a person I hate. I'm so frustrated that I'm taking it out on myself. I started an extreme diet just to have a physical reason for feeling so emtionally shitty all the time. I have many sleepless nights. I am an emotional wreck.Today is Thanksgiving (a holiday for giving thanks) here in the USA and I feel like I have nothing to be thankful for and damn near nothing to live for.I have never had a connection like the one I had/have with this woman. She says she still loves me too which probably makes matters worse that we aren't together. I still love her more than anything.So I ask again. Is it normal to be in as deep a depression as it appears that I am in? What can I do to help myself?
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female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (28 November 2008):
Darlin' first of all I am very sorry for all your pain. We've all been there and it hurts like hell. Second, I think your feelings of contempt, anger and jealousy are all totally normal. And even though this guy claims to be a "changed man" if he is being vulgar to your ex-GF it doesn't sound like he is treating her with much respect, which is also quite sad and hard to take.
However, the way you are managing your emotions is not healthy or right. It is bad enough that you are in pain from your break-up but instead of taking care of yourself and giving yourself time to heal, you are punishing yourself with alcohol and starvation, depression and suicidal thoughts?? DARLIN'!! NO baby that is not the way.
You sound like such a good man. Just read these boards for 5 minutes and you will see how many GOOD women there are in this world who could use a guy like you by their side. I am assuming she is your first love based on your age. But trust me, we all have first loves that didn't work out, and go on to find love again.
The first thing and most VITAL thing I think you need to do is remove yourself from situations where you are around your ex and this man. All that is doing is ripping all the wounds wide open again. Then that way you also may not drink so much. Confide in your closest friends that you just need to not be around your ex until you can get past her. They should understand that. Get a good nights sleep. EAT decent meals. Spend time with your friends getting out and about in the world, get your mind off her. Make a list of things that YOU have always wanted to do, and force yourself to start doing some of them. It will be a battle, but you were a happy guy once upon a time before you met her, so you just need to get back to being that guy again. You can do it.
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (27 November 2008):
 Hi, Hi, Firstly, who is the feeling of contempt hurting more, him, her, or you. You have answered that in your letter. What good is that doing you. Lose the contempt, if helps you in no way. What you are feeling is a reflcetion of the fact that she perfers him over you, and that is making you direct this anger at this man. Sure he has all these bad habits, but something about him draws her to him? There is no figuring out why certain people like cerain people. One thing you siad which was intriguing, he came back a "changed man", if who he is is what he has supposedly changed from, he will revert back to his real or trus self. If I were you, I would start to move on with my life, find new interest, join a dance studio, a travel club, find something interesting to do. You are wasting precious time moaning over your lost love. She is deciding in this case to be with him, let it play itself out, but pleae don't wait around for her to come back, They have history, it will be her choice. You are a great person to be with, what makes you think that no one else will make you hsve those smae feelings or better. My thought has always been, I don't want to be with anyone, repeat, anyone who does not want to be with me. I am specail, one of a kind, so pick yourself up out of your self-imposed misery, and find your top hat, get out there and live your life. Don't give anyone else the power to stifle your happiness, we as humans tend to do that, take back your power to have
a good and happy life. Let the two of them go their way, you go yours and find your comfortable space. It's out there, stop wasting energy and time worrying about the one who got away. It matters so much to you because of your projection on her, take it back and heal your heart. You can
do it and in time, it won't matter. Take care and be good to yourself. It's very important to love yourself, and all that you are. Stay in touch. Happy Thanksgiving.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (27 November 2008):
 just by her telling you that she still loves you, i get the feeling she is enjoying the attention of you both. Shes gone back to a situation where she feels comfortable, like 'better the devil you know'. If nothing changed before then she could still leave him, but I wouldnt wait around if i were y ou. Wonder what she'd do if you showed up with your friends and had another girlfriend, bet she wouldnt like that. Try to move on in your life, people only stay with the ones they want, you can't force it. Sounds like your depression comes from dwelling on the situation. Start going out again with other women, that will build your self esteem up. I wish you well. hope this helps.
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