A
male
age
41-50,
*igBullOC
writes:I just recently started dating someone new and she has had a lot of friends that are guys most of which state she's hooked up with or has had sex with in the past two weeks ago she slept over at her friends house which was a guy in the same bed and she has had sex with him in the past. However she says they are just very good friends now and she has always slept in the same bed when she was too drunk to drive. She doesn't know why I don't think that is acceptable while being in a relationship am I wrong for feeling this way?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2014): She could have slept on the couch or in another room, no need to sleep in the same bed. The fact that she discussed this in that way with her friend, as if his opinion matters more than yours, is ridiculous. I would end it now and leave her to all of her friends.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2014): She is the one being unreasonable according to most people. She, and her friends, can call you insecure but that doesn't make them right. You also have the right to know if she has a sexual history with anyone that she still spends time with. A past partner is not "in the past" when they are still around. That makes it your business. Staying in touch with old friends is one thing, sleeping in their bed is another. She sounds like she wants her BF to be a stupid pushover.She probably says you are trying to stop her from having friends. Bullshit. Old lovers are more than friends even after they stop being lovers. The dynamic is forever changed once you have sex. She doesn't have to like it, they don't have to like it, but its true. Its a matter of respect to you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 October 2014):
 She doesn't understand why her sharing a bed with a man who is not her boyfriend because she's too drunk to drive might be upsetting to the boyfriend. Then she gets the man who is not her boyfriend on a speakerphone and he gets to accuse you of being jealous and judgmental. Ah. So it's a judgment AND a drinking problem. She has the drinking problem and you have the judgment problem.And you are with her because...... ????Why are you even asking this? You are in your late 30s, presumably you have enough life experience to know that it's up to you to decide what your boundaries are, express them to your girlfriend and if she can't seem to stay sober enough to even make a sensible decision, well... it's on you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 October 2014):
 I think your girlfriend is a mug and so are you if you choose to stick around. The more I read about her the less I think of her. Inviting a former bed buddy to evaluate you and your relationship over speaker phone? I don't know what further evidence you need of her character.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 October 2014):
 You know, these things vary. You can't say that things should be one way or the other just because you think this is how everyone else does it. What WE think about it, and how OUR relationships are, have absolutely NOTHING to do with yours!!!
Just because some people do not share beds with their friends does not dictate that no one else can! I think in this debate, her negative response was probably more about your attitude than about what's good for this relationship or not. She's not cheating on you by sleeping in the same bed as a friend of hers. This is a gray area, and something you and her need to discuss and come to an agreement on. But the discussion does NOT start with "you did something wrong and you need to stop it". It starts with "I am uncomfortable with the level of intimacy you have with friends of the opposite sex. I don't know you, or your friend, well enough to know how to feel about it. I would be glad if you would not be so intimate with male friends, at least for the time being, and I hope this is something we can discuss".
I've slept in the same bed as guys I just randomly met, without anything happening beyond us sleeping out the booze. No groping or kissing or anything. So I know how little can actually happen. Not everything is about sex. Anyway, bottom line is that if she's not willing to adjust, and you can't cope with her behaviour, then STOP DATING HER. Really. You're not compatible if she's liberal and has a "free" style, and you're a more conservative man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2014): I do not think it is acceptable to be in contact with ex flings and ex hook ups when you are in a relationship. I myself have a lot of dude friends but I do not sleep with them, never have, we really are JUST friends. So even though I have a boyfriend, I do not feel bad being in contact with my dude friends. But when you are in a relationship you have to tone things down out of respect for your lover, even with your platonic dude friends. What's worse, in this case, is that her friends aren't even platonic. When you have had a sexual and or romantic relationship with someone, it changes the dynamic of that relationship. And when you are still contacting these people and letting things get that intimate that you are sleeping in the same bed as them, regardless of whether it turned sexual or not, that is blatantly disrespecting you. And if she chooses to see it differently, then let her. Face it, she is not girlfriend material.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 October 2014):
 sleeping at someone's house when you are too drunk to drive should be done on the couch or in a spare room, not in the bed of the host.
If my husband did this, i'd point it out to him just that way. NOT because I don't trust him, but because it shows a lack of respect for me that he would even think it was acceptable.
IF you don't like her doing it (and you have every right to not like it) BUT she does NOT agree (and she has every right to not agree)
THEN you two are NOT compatible.
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A
male
reader, BigBullOC +, writes (21 October 2014):
BigBullOC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your responses and I will definitely take them to heart. The funny thing was that she had called this friend of hers on the phone while I was in the car and put him on speaker and told him that I had felt a little uncomfortable about it and his response was that I might be a little insecure and jealous whichwhich would not be good or last in our relationship. Also she feels that I should be okay with her having other guy friends that she is close with all of whom she has had sex with in the past as well. I feel that whether she is dating me or not she is sending the wrong signal and it will eventually bite her in the butt. Your thoughts?
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (21 October 2014):
I think your concerns are perfectly valid.
Your girlfriend's actions tell me she's receptive to something happening with this guy and therefore doesn't think much of you.
And you can be certain it tells her guy 'friend' the same thing.
When honest people learn someone has romantic feelings for them that they don't share, they tend to put some distance between themselves and that person to avoid misunderstandings and awkward rejections. Your girlfriend is doing the opposite.
If we want people to trust us we have to behave in a way that doesn't raise questions in their minds. They shouldn't have to rely solely on faith.
OP, a decent, sincere person wouldn't need this explained to them. They wouldn't put up some smoke screen about how you're the one with issues and you're trying to control them. So I wouldn't waste time or effort spelling this out for her. If she really did like you, then let being dumped by you inspire her to behave better with the next guy.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 October 2014):
 you are definitely not wrong to be feeling that way about the way your Gf is behaving;
Is she trying to suggest that there was no other option? That the guy could not make up an alternative bed on the couch for him or his guest?
How vulnerable she has made herself in the past. So she had, in the past, drunk too much so she shares a guy's bed?
at the very least it suggests that she feels a great degree of rapport with this guy. perhaps has also, in the past, shared intimacy with this guy.
Personally I think her actions are a step too far.
If I were in your position I would not find it acceptable.
To give the other party a chance to shares their values and attitudes are not on your page then what other values and attitudes does she not share with you?
I think you can discuss your values and attitudes with her and let her know what is not negotiable for you in a relationship.
She can either respect your values or not.
If she cannot understand or does not value your values and attitudes then perhaps she is not the girl for you? Yes that is a sad outcome, but better to discover this truth now, not 10 years later
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 October 2014):
You are free to set your own boundaries... That's not an outsiders job.
She is free to respect them or not.
You're free to determine whether she is right for you.
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