A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy a while ago and he was always telling me how unhappy he was in his current relationship. I liked him a lot and eventually I started to love him. he told me he loved me and he was going to leave his gf for me. I told him no and to stop flirting with me because I didn't like that. We were friends but because of our feelings I wanted to be honest so I told him there is a guy i'm interested in and I wanted to start dating him.As soon as I said that he broke up with his girlfriend. Because he said he couldn't stand watching another guy have me, I told him I don't want to date him right away because he will still be thinking about her while we're together, and he said he doesn't like not having someone so they got back together. and the whole situation was dropped.Soon I brought up the idea of me dating someone else again, and he said if it makes you happy go ahead, but ever since that day he hasn't shut up about the fact that im talking to someone else. Its an everyday thing. I knew he complained a lot, and was always depressed but this is the time when I really noticed it, and was completely annoyed by it. When I first talk to him like a friend he would complain about his relationship and life a lot but I just figured everyone has there days but its been months!! and ever since the new guy came in the picture everything he talks about is depressing "Why did god put me on this earth", "im not happy" "ive been crying all night"" if you stay with him I will never be happy" its starting to get annoying, ive completely given up, trying to talk to him. Im starting to dislike him I will always care for him but its like everything about him is depressing, he ruins my mood everyday because as soon as I wake up I see a depressing text and I get them all the way until I lay my head down to sleep, and if I don't text back he sends long paragraphs and message after message after message.How do I tell him his depression is annoying without sounding like a complete jerk? how do I tell him im starting to dislike him in that way and I have feelings for someone else without making it worse? I always try to convince him that his life isn't so bad, there are people out there that has it worse but he just doesn't get it, he gets depressed and complains about the smallest, dumbest thing! idk how much more I can take. he said when he goes to his friends about his problems most of the say something along the lines of "sorry I cant help you", but I totally get it because its 24/7. I don't want to be like that but its too muchPlease help
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 June 2013):
 It's not selfish at all to leave this dude alone. It's not selfish at all to put yourself and your own feelings, your own mental health, before his. He is not your spouse, you are not married. To sacrifice your health and sink into depression yourself over this guy is ridiculous.
Even if you were married to him I'd say keep him at arms length and get him to therapy. Do not get caught up, keep him at as much distance as possible. Because when he sinks he needs someone to stay afloat. How can you help someone if you yourself are drowning? You can't. This is basic airline instructions: always put on your own mask BEFORE you help others. Because if you fall you're just another problem, and wont be able to help anyone.
But you're not married to this guy. You're not bound by any law to stay by his side. So go. Get away from him. Don't be involved with him. It's not selfish by any means, it's ground one in how to survive and not be a burden to others. Always help yourself first. Always take care of yourself first. He's crossed way over the line of what a "friend" can expect. I have best friends that I've been friends with for 13 years, I do NOT call them endlessly, send texts to moan and complain day and night. What he's doing isn't friendly, it's terrorizing you. And you've become so brainwashed (or are perhaps naive) and think that putting up boundaries is selfish.. Oh no, it's not selfish at all. It's basics of how to survive in the world and not be taken advantage of. This guy doesn't care squat for your well being. So why on earth would you feel selfish if you stopped caring soooo much about HIS well being? You can still care about him, without indulging this behaviour. You're just setting up some boundaries, that's all.
When he's dealing with his depression, and getting better, and not still looking to get into your pants, but actually wants to be a friend and treat you right as a friend, then he's welcome back in your life and to be a friend. Sure. Of course. But until then, don't carry on the contact.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay I completely understand what you're saying. But there is some confusion I guess. I do not have a boyfriend. There is a guy who wants to date me and I want to date him but its not like an official thing, he can talk to others and so can I. he does know about the situation and he's telling me basically the same thing, to leave him alone because He will ruin my life. I sound completely selfish but I just cant handle it. and I didn't want to be the reason they broke up I tell him all the time but I guess I give him mixed signals when I tell him I love him too but tell him to stop talking to me like that because id rather we just be friend.and No I know love is a serious word and as bad as it sounds these are the only two guys I ever said I love you too because I do mean it, I love them both just one I cannot be with and knowing his situation and his depression I donot want to. I feel selfish for putting my feelings first but I don't ant to be miserable forever dealing with his depression. Thank you all for the advice I know I should leave him alone and i'm definitely going to
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (14 June 2013):
I will try to make this simple for you to understand, but in order for you to benefit from this advice you must put aside this stubborn idea you have of being right and knowing what you're doing. You don't know what you're doing, and you're not right.
You are complicating things. You're certainly not doing anything to help. You see, you're not his friend. You're the girl he's cheating on his girlfriend with. By continuing communications with him, KNOWING that all he wants is to have you for himself, you are also cheating on your boyfriend. This guy has told you he isn't interested in you as a friend. He tells you every day by complaining about how you are with someone else.
This guy is also using his girlfriend on the lowest of levels. He's just using her because he didn't want to be alone. He can't be alone? Really? What's that about? So instead, he sweet-talks to you (cheating), then dumps his girlfriend for you (cheating definitely confirmed), and then he's too much of a sulky baby to be able to wait for you as a single person. So he gets back into a relationship with the girlfriend, pity her.
Oh yeah, the girlfriend. Why do YOU feel you need to "help" him? If anything he's got his girlfriend for that type of love and support. It's not your place to "help" him. He's not your friend. He's not your boyfriend. He's just the guy who wants to keep you around in case his girlfriend gets bored with him and he "can't stand being alone" so needs a back-up girlfriend. That's you.
You are trying to fix him. What else do you think this "helping" of yours means? It means you want to sort out his problems for him. But you can't. You're only enabling him to get worse (as well as cheating on your boyfriend at the same time). If he needs and wants help, he'll GET help by speaking to his doctor about it. You need to start opening your eyes here, you're being used. You're not helping him at all, you're just making him worse, because you allow this to go on and on.
As for the cheating on your own boyfriend. Does your boyfriend know about this other guy who keeps texting you several times a day, and night? Does your boyfriend know this guy is sweet-talking you, wanting you to ditch your boyfriend for him? Does he know you continue to keep contact and refuse to let this guy go? No? The reason you haven't told your boyfriend is that you know this wouldn't sit well with him. And you know why: because it is wrong of you to entertain this guy who wants more than friendship from you. It is cheating. Not physically, but emotionally. You're leading this guy on behind your boyfriends back. Sure, you call it being a friend. But like I said, and like this guy has said: you're not his friend. You're the girl he wants to be with, cheat with, the girl he dumps his girlfriend for. And that's not a friend. So by continuing to entertain him, you're not helping him out as a friend. You're in fact continuing flirting with a man who wants to get into your pants. Just because YOU don't see it that way doesn't mean it isn't so. If this guy was all clear about this only being friendly, then he'd never bring up how miserable it makes him to see you with someone else. He'd not say that if he was "just a friend".
Your friendship doesn't mean a thing to this guy. He's just taking advantage of you like he takes advantage of his girlfriend and everyone else around him. And then he guilt trips you by saying how no one else wants to be around him, so that you will stick around in fear of being like the others. Don't you wonder WHY his other friends don't want to entertain him and this misery? Do you really think it's because they are evil and mean people? Or do you not think, perhaps they know this guy well and know that this isn't something they should get involved with as it only makes it worse?
Look, I have a depressed father and my brother is just recovering from severe depression. I know what depressed people are like. And no, you absolutely CAN'T play therapist for them. Either they get real therapy, or you need to hold them at arms length because it will suck you dry. And none of the energy you put into them will ever make them feel better. They need to help themselves, that's the only thing that works.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): You cannot fix him. In fact, you can't fix anyone on this earth but yourself. Depression is a mental disorder that has to be diagnosed and treated by mental-health professionals. People who are medically trained.
You don't tell him his depression is annoying; because he can't help it. This only proves you don't have a clue what you're dealing with.
If you want to be his friend, then don't complain about his depressing you. He may have an illness, and that is what his illness makes him do. He'd be better off spending less time around you altogether. You're confusing him.
You can't say things that will repair his mind. Your friendship is only support, not a cure for his problems.
You say he is this way 24/7. That's because that is how he feels 24/7; and you haven't helped by leading him on like you wanted to be with him. In fact, not knowing what you're doing is doing him more harm than good.
When he left his girlfriend, you bailed out on him. Then he had one more reason to be depressed.
This will likely get out of hand and you will find out how difficult it can be dealing with someone who may have a mental disorder. You can't cure or fix him, and you'll see over time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): I'm your age and I am currently involved with a guy that also had depression isssues all of his life. He depresses me too . These people are called emotional vampires. They literally suck the life out of you. I am living with him because I pitied him and wanted to help him. I am not even the shadow of the vibrant and happy woman that I used to be. .. I have to take care of him constantly and gauge his mood or what I say...sounds like your guy is super clingy like mine. Run away, run as far away as you can. Do not mix with that drama those people cannot change. ..you cannot fix him... do not get involved with him. I wish I had a way out of this. Please do not get on this situation..we are young...we deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is im not trying to fix him, like I said I care and I want to help him feel better its just that he makes a problem out of absolutely nothing. you don't want to walk away from someone you care for. IM not understanding how im complicating things. its pretty simple. I care and want to help, but there is no stopping him.
for example. this man cut his grass early in the morning, and he left some grass in the road and he complained about that for HOURS!
I don't want to lose him as a friend at all, I just want a way to tell him, he complains and gets depressed to easy. Not talking to him isn't an option I would ever consider
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): I'm afraid you will have no choice but to be honest and hurt his feelings. You started out from the very beginning by fooling around between different boys. You inadvertently lead him on when you told him you couldn't date him until he left his girlfriend. Then you told him you loved him. You can't go around casually telling people you're in love with them. That is a very serious word. Don't use that word unless you mean it. You have to be careful about playing around with another person's feelings. It could be dangerous.You broke up his relationship, now you want someone else; and you say he is depressing you.Tell him the truth and let this be a lesson to you. What you did was selfish and cruel. You have to be careful, some people are more fragile than you think. They could hurt you or hurt themselves.
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