A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok I want to ask this and give my opinions on this subject.First let's use some scenarios. #1guy has a past of hitting women, or criminal past, but has not been in trouble for years he's "changed" as some would say. #2 women has a past of cheating, sleeping around, drug use, really disturbing stuff, has even had stds and multiple ons and using men. #3 man has been known to in the "past" have "been a player" used women slept with hundreds, had kids abandoned them, was as in past in a gang, been to prison.Now here's a few examples of a past that some not all would see as warning signs red flags or complete deal breakers!!Now say you're a person that has lived your life in a positive respectful way you have a strong value system and high hopes of meeting your lifetime partner. You meet this guy or girl and they say all the right things they at first seem to be perfect !:) you even find yourself falling in love or fast forward you have kids and family ..then things change you start noticing changes in them there rude unloving angry maybe abusive or flirtatious with others on and on ....then you find out that this person was #1 #2 or#3 and some or all of those things disgust you, hurt you and completely don't match your values so much as to say you loose trust, respect, or even feel as some do that you never really knew the real person?So I hear people say past is past, people change, its none of your business, its their life. BUT is it a fair argument that the one lied to was wronged and has every right to be hurt? I mean yes it is the others persons past but me personally I need to know that I have the same morals or vision of life. After all I think the biggest misconception is that its not your business weather it be drugs, violence,gangs,rape,theft, slutty behavior. Men or women on that one, or history of horrible treatment of others that its their past and not the others business?? I completely 100% DISAGREE, every person does have the right to choose who they commit to, marry, or have a serious relationship with. Look a persons past is ALWAYS used as a guideline to determine certain things ,law enforcement looks at criminal ,banks look at credit ,teams look at stats, jobs look at work ethic, so why is it any different?Why do we get angry at those that struggle with the horrible truth! Or when these people find out they were lied to? I'm not saying its black or white or that people can't change but I'm saying it's not your choice to pick yourself, its up to the other based on a real history not lies and manipulation? Everyone has different ideas of what's acceptable to them, some its morals sexual choices, some its criminal, some its drugs, some it's you get the point. My final thought is these people that lie WHATEVER the reason even if they are ashamed, reformed, changed, you may be ok with it but knowing lie to get your dream guy or girl!! is selfish and I think they deserve what they get if and when the truths out!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Cupid IS NOT a forum for people to spout their passive aggressive mysogynistic views and attack people who were trying to respond to their veiled questions.lol see my point if my view point is different then yours you call me names and speak rudely as well lol I didn't attack anyone ?insult no I said living to manipulate someone to love you based on lies is messed up !i said then she was simply wrong and I was an example of someone that has been lied to and it's wrong !!a sexual past a criminal past or whatever is in fact deal breakers and just so you know I have been to counseling and shrink lol you know what they said LEAVE HER NOW ,,!!they said she was an emotional abusive partner and obviously had major issues to have lived her life in such ways lol so can you except an answer from a trained professional .? I was the victim so as saying I'm playing it lol no I'm living it!!i was lied to , I was treated horrible !!i went to marriage counseling and guess what they said leave her .."quote women that use there bodies in such ways are very emotionally disturbed ,and I don't blame you if you must separate from her "I can give names of counselers and provide so before you call me names understand just because that's the word I choose to discribe certain men and women and notice I Say MEN too I think it's sick for both sexes and so do most trained professionals :) .and to finish I will say I work with troubled youth and as a foster parent and school bus driver I'm a wonderful man with lots of patience loving nature I've always been an ideal husband loving caring faithful ,great dad ,family man ,so for you to assume I need help because I say it's wrong to lie ?im not sexist I was raised by a single mom I have an immense amount of respect for women ! But I admit none for trashy unclassy women or MEN .its not religion that forms my views it's the belief in love and having sex is great if it's with love respect not ......disgusting hotels back of cars sex parties 3 somes orgies or cheap one nighters !and for all the women saying I'm judgmental iwhats I'm saying is right and you honestly can't tell me getting bent over some couch by a random guy at a partie is classy or screwing two men in one night??and last case in point is this if your one of these men or women don't be suprized when people judge you when they find out !! Wanna live like that fine it's your body your choices I will never argue its 100%wrong but I ask please don't trick the guys or girls into thinking your something your not ....and yes even if it's the past .
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (30 December 2012):
 Dear Cupid IS NOT a forum for people to spout their passive aggressive mysogynistic views and attack people who were trying to respond to their veiled questions.
You obviously have anger issues with your wife for her sexual past, it does not give you the right to call all women sluts. You seem unbalanced in your views and maybe that indicates that you need the help of a trained psychotherapist rather than the dear Gentlemen and Ladies of Dear Cupid.
Best of luck to you and I hope you learn to live with that anger.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): You say you can't know the real person without knowing their past - I disagree. People are who they are because of their past. I don't think people should lie or hide important things about themselves from their partners, but neither do I believe they should have to lay out every detail of their past on a platter so someone like you can judge whether they are good enough or not. In all honesty I don't blame them for lying when I see your reactions - it looks like you'd have them hung, drawn and quartered for behaving in a way you don't like. If you are looking for a perfect person with no past to be your partner, then I'm afraid the planet earth is probably not the home for you. Dating is and always will be a risk - you have no choice but to take people at face value, and yes sometimes people lie and you get hurt. It's not nice but it's life unfortunately.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with the original poster on this .and janniepeg your wrong !sexual past does mean a lot to certain individuals I'm one ofthem I'm considering leaving because of my wifes lies,the question is not if the person lieing is ok with themselves lol its if the person there dating is .I agree that your personal details should stay private UNLESS there's going to be a chance of serious relationship then you have to be honest .and you saying three domes and anal with random men but not you lol yeah that is an issue no guy has respect for that knowing your lover gave all kinky stuff to strangers but can't be open and kinky with her husband?really lol wow .I personally have absolutly NO respect for slutty behavior and its a red flag I can't look over .its no different then having these other issues !what I'm saying is not that I'm right and your wrong I'm saying arguments about easy women /men being is an issue it obviously does break marriage up sometimes and is the most important thing in closeness in a relationship .think about it so if you say the past is past and bla bla people change great so you find out your partner used to be a booker or Porn star really if she lies to some poor guy and tells him she's been with three people and he marries her then finds out the truth !!!!!I would hope he leaves her luring ass!and yeah she deserves happiness but not from lying and tricking some guy !!she should find someone like herself and be open .BOTTOM LINE #1 #2 #3 ARE ALL RED FLAGS AND IF A PERSON GETS LIED TO THEY HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO LEAVE THE PERSON WITHOUT GUILT .as far as nasty ,easy ,disgusting men /women go .no self respecting person should give them a chance its gross .and its so obvious that low morals on this site TONS of nasty trashy men and women here defending slutty behavior !reality check sluts and male slits have and always will be looked at with no respect because they don't respect themselves
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): I think this is a very difficult question to answer because it's impossible to tell what information is 'necessary' to reveal and what is not. It's all a matter of personal opinion on what is a deal breaker to someone and what is not. The examples you give are very extreme and I agree that hiding a past like that is unacceptable, but how much should someone tell about their past and when? Is drug use forgivable but sleeping around isn't? What about a DUI? Or a shoplifting charge from when they were 16? Is it misleading not to tell a partner about that? And should a person tell a potential partner right up front or can they wait until they know them better? Take me, I was sexually assaulted and became very promiscuous afterwards as a result. I even knowingly slept with a married man once when drunk. This is totally against my morals and stooping that low gave me the shock I needed to get help and get my life back on track. I can promise I will never do something like that again, but because it happened should I tell my partner? Even if it doesn't and never will affect our relationship? Not telling him would not be me trying to mislead him, more the fact I am utterly ashamed and disgusted in what I did (please note I have told my partner about this but I'm using it as an example).
Plus, while the past might be a good indicator of what people are like it is not always the whole story. People can mistreat you whether they have done it to someone previously or not, it's part of the dating game I'm afraid. You have to keep your guard up and trust your gut before committing fully to anyone regardless of their past.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): Is it okay to lie about your past on a job application? How about a bank loan app? Is it okay to lie to your partner about your criminal history? Or about schooling? Income?
It's ridiculous that this topic even gets debated.
Many promiscuous people don't want to take responsibility and deal with the consequences of their actions. That is what really underlies the idea that these lies are acceptable.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 December 2012):
 I see #1, #2, #3, as red flags but unfortunately not a lot of people would confess their past sins when they date. But the nastiness comes out when in time they get overly emotional, argumentative or controlling. Something seems off with their personality. People lie because things are not resolved, whether they are financial ones or emotional ones. There is a difference between people who say they have a bad past, but they learned from it, it made them the person today and become mature and stronger. Versus people who still has a lot of hatred and pain in their hearts, and are waiting for a time to lash out. A relationship for them becomes a trigger for hurt. If a person reforms from bad behavior and the past no longer haunts them, it is not misleading. The partner may not need to dig deep into their past to find out how evil they had been. A person who is confident about their ability to lead in a relationship does not need to spell out every single life event, being afraid of ommitting anything, because he is a changed person and he wants his partner to focus on him today, and not dwell in the past.
Unfortunately people who came from broken families and lived destructive lifestyles, then changed into productive, successful individuals are the minority. I have to emphasize that.
To answer your question, it is not okay to mislead or lie. When a person feels the need to question another's credibility it means something is going wrong in a relationship.
Dating could be similar to a job application being different that it is more personal. You try to be more cheerful, polite, knowing what to say to sound pleasant. When you apply for a job it is more mechanical, logisitical. A lot of people do lie in job applications. I would say people are better at keeping their jobs then keeping their spouses happy.
You can't rely on a person's words alone but always trust your gut when something doesn't feel right.
You are justified with your anger if your lover promised she would not cheat but then goes on dating websites because she wants to tease men not actually meet them. This hurts commitment.
You are not justified if your lover had done threesomes, anal in the past, you want to do them and she refuses. There is a time when going to the past does nothing to move ahead in your current relationship. This one has little to do with commitment.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (29 December 2012):
There are only two possible things you can do with HURT.
1)Recover from it and move on
or
2)Keep it like a sheild around you and have it destroy the rest of your life.
Anyone who thinks their own HURT can effectively change another bad person into a good person is deluded.
Some people can forgive someone who lied to them, some people cannot...but the very act of forgiveness can never change the liar...Only the LIAR can choose not to lie.
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