A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Simple question ; after you get married and settled down, is it okay to have friends of the opposite sex? Text them? Hang out with them? Strictly platonic that is.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): There are several points to think about here. Not everyone will react the same way to their partner having an opposite sex friend. My opinions:If your husband doesn't appove of it at all, then you need to drop the male friends. You should have know that before you married him.If a male friend is a former lover, then, NO, it is never OK to remain friends. Even if nothing would ever happen again, your husband (and you) will always be remembered of those sexual moments everytime you hang out with the guy.My wife and I are married a long time, she has some male friends (some from HS, some more recently made). None are anyone that she ever had any sexual interest in. And our rules (jointly agreed upon). 1 on 1 get-togethers must be out in the open (i.e. husband knows beforehand), and must be of the type friends would do. My wife can meet a male friend for lunch, go out after work if it's a group of people, etc. Even movies are OK. Romantic 1-on-1 dinners are NOT. Even if nothing comes of it, other people will see them and assume they are a couple, that is not fair to the relationship.Keep your male friends, but make sure everything is out in the open. My wife and I have complete access to each others phones, facebook, e-mails etc. And it has never been a problem for us at all.Good Luck!
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 April 2014):
 It's perfectly normal and reasonable as long as you're transparent and the boundaries are made very clear to EVERYONE and maintained at all times.
That means no flirting with male friends 'as a joke' or because it's you're 'nature'. And the moment one of them even hints at having a romantic or sexual interest in you, regardless of the accompanying sob story, you stop all one on one contact.
If you're out with your boyfriend, or husband or watching a movie together don't send or read texts from friends, male or female. Don't allow time spent with one to intrude upon time spent with the other.
It's not enough to do the right thing. You have to be seen to be doing the right thing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 April 2014):
 I think it is IF you BOTH share the shame notions of what a friendship is.
I have read SO many stories on DC where(specially females) seems to think that cuddling, hand-holding and kissing is OK in a friendship - maybe I'm just old-school but I don't think THAT is a friendship.
Also SHARING intimate details and problems within the relationship BF/GF with an opposite sex friend can easily end up in some kind of mess. I can end up in a mess if you share too much with your female friends too, no doubt.
I think if you BOTH are rational, open and honest about friendships and can RESPECT boundaries, it should be NO problem at all.
Growing up I had mainly male friends, some I still occasionally talk to (we live pretty far so seeing each other isn't practical, but we do phone and e-mail.) Same as most of my female friends, though I do talk to them more often then the males. My husband has no problem with it. He just asks (usually AFTER the phone conversations) what Klingon business I just conducted. (he doesn't understand my native language). And I will tell him who called and what it was about. I have nothing to hide.
My husband had MANY female co-workers ( subordinates and superiors)when he served in the Army and some he is still in touche with. Don't bother me either.
I would NOT drop my male friends because my partner doesn't think I'm capable of having male friends. I would NOT marry a guy if he thought like that. Nor would I marry a guy if he had female friends who were inappropriate and he did nothing, stating it's harmless.
ALWAYS talk about issues like that and BE 100% honest about it.
It's NOT about friends VERSUS a BF. Or rather it shouldn't be.
INTRODUCE them to each other. Let them get to know one another. Have nothing to hide.
And IF a romantic notion occurs with a opposite sex friend then obviously it needs to be nipped in the bud and the friendship re-evaluated. It shouldn't be hidden.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 April 2014):
 My ex had a close 'friend' for a long time. Except that it was a well-known fact that this friend liked my girlfriend. Always let it be known. Any time we would have a fight, of course, that friend was always right on over! I expressed my discomfort with their friendship, seeing as how this 'friend' kept letting it be known she thought they were supposed to end up together. My ex justified it by saying she didn't feel that way in return, so therefore, I should just trust her. BS!!
I kept hoping my ex would just do the right thing by me and cut off the relationship because it was inappropriate. But she never did. Then one night we had a big fight and split up. this 'friend' came over that very same night and they slept together.
We talked things out a few days later, and when this news came out, I felt heartbroken, deceived, and pissed off. We broke up after this. Why? Because she disrespected me and our relationship the entire time by staying friends with this douchebag. And she wondered why it made me uncomfortable?! Because she slept with them immediately after us breaking up!
I've also seen so many questions on this site of partners asking if their significant others 'friendship' with someone else is appropriate or not. Nine times out of ten, the upset partner has every reason to be upset, as their partner is being incredibly thoughtless about their feelings.
Not saying your friendships aren't appropriate. But if you've had issues with it in the past and these ex's aren't typically crazy and possessive, there may be a reason they aren't comfortable with it. And you should look into that.
Problem is, people get so blinded by their own desire to maintain their friendships, that they stop acknowledging when they may be being unfair to their partner. They want to stay friends so badly, they convince themselves they're truly not doing anything wrong and their partner is fully to blame because they're just acting crazy. Odds are, they're acting that way for a reason.
In general, I'm a very chill and laid back person. And I'm not jealous. If you have a friend in your life that makes me uncomfortable, you're doing something f*ed up. Otherwise, I wouldn't be acting jealous. Anyway, in general, no, jacong friends aren't wrong. But you should make sure they don't come across as the wrong type of friends.
That's my two cents.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 April 2014):
 My kids are married, and have friends of the opposite gender, mostly when they got together with their friends they took their girlfriends or boyfriends with them, the friends had a chance to get to know the new partner, and vice versa, so that by the time weddings came around the wives and husbands and friends were already familiar with each other and comfortable with the relationships.
Friendships can also be formed after marriages etc take place, these can be a little trickier but not impossible if all parties are aware of boundaries and have respect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked bc I'm kind of serious with a guy, but I've been here and done this. I don't want to give up my friends. The other relationships ended and my friends were still there. I wouldn't cheat and my friends would respect it and not even suggest it. But some people are just automatically against it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2014): I COMPLETELY agree with llifton!Every time I've had a guy friend he's ended up liking me, and then we were no longer friends. My experience so far has suggested that men and women (if they're both straight) cannot be just friends. Like they say in "When Harry Met Sally", haha!If I was in a relationship, I personally would not hang out one-on-one with another guy without my boyfriend being there, too. (except with family members, obviously).An exception would be if a guy is friends with both you AND your boyfriend…then your bf will not feel as threatened, I think.Another ideal scenario is if you have friends who are couples. then you can go on fun double dates and stuff without having a third wheel.One last thought--if you have a guy friend, you need to be completely honest with your bf! Any kind of secretive friendship is definitely not OK!!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 April 2014):
Well, seeing as how I date the same sex, I'll answer this in reference to the preffered sex.
Of course it's okay to be friends with someone of your preferred sex while married (or committed). But that also all depends on how you both define platonic. To me, if someone remotely has feelings at all for the person you're with, or is acting as though they do, despite having actually admitted to those feelings, then I think it becomes unfair.
In my experience, there always seems to be one person in the relationship who seems to think their relationship with the other person is completely platonic and within fair boundaries, while the other is really uncomfortable with the whole situation. Both don't seem to be able to get on the same page about what is and isn't a 'fair friendship.' In those instances, you should typically respect your partner and their feelings.
However, if you've legitimately been friends for a long period of time and your partner truly is being overly jealous and controlling for no logical or legitimate reason whatsoever, then I, of course, suggest encouraging your partner to work on becoming okay with it. But like I said, most experiences I've run across, the partner who is friends with the preferred sex friend is usually justifying and rationalizing their behavior and unfairly wanting to be friends with a person that justifiably upsets their partner. But always insists on maintaining that friendship, even at their partners expense.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2014): Of Course! Life does not end with marriage. I've been married for over a decade and don't want to imagine writing half of my friends off. Where do these kinds of ideas come from? It's irritating.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 April 2014):
 Guys like having "platonic" women friends who put out for them.... Does THAT make things any clearer for you????
Good luck. (You're gonna need it!!!).
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2014):
 I have friends from college I hang out with, text with, strictly platonic of course. My husband knows them, I don't hide texts, he has full access to our shared email account and I let him know when I'm going to have lunch with one of them.
Is there an issue you need help with or is this more of a poll question?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (28 April 2014):
I believe if both partners know the friend, if the friendship is open in that nothing is hidden from the spouse, if the friend also includes the spouse in communications, and as long as the spouse has no need, real or imagined, to feel threatened by the friendship.
A good friend of either gender would recognise that in a marriage the spouse comes first.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (28 April 2014):
If it bothers the partner then no it is not ok. If both are fine with it, then it is ok.
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