A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Is it ok for a married man to text or chat with other woman? I have been married for 7 years and from the beginning I have expressed to my husband how I feel about this subject after reading a conversation between him and another women about how bad her marriage was. I told him I was uncomfortable with him chatting with other women especially about subjects this personal. This has been a struggle through out our marriage. He continues to chat with other women and tells me he isn't going to change. He also tells me to stop acting like his mommy. He changed his facebook password so I couldn't look at it . He has all my passwords and I have nothing to hide since I don't chat with men. I know he isn't cheating but I am also not naïve and know that it could lead to that.. I am so hurt by this I try to let it go but it eats at me. He was chatting with other women this weekend and when I got upset about it he called me phycho. I don't know if I am in the minority here but my spouse is was more important to me then a girl friend I haven't seen for years.. How do I get through to him? I should also add that when I did get upset about his chatting he said this is why people do it in secret..
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female
reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (14 January 2014):
 I've been married for 6 years...I have let go a lot of make friends when my husband and I got married. My husband and I have a lot of friends of the opposite sex...but we hang out with them. There's a fine line between chatting and being too personal. If I need to talk to someone about my marriage, I turn to my mom, sisters, or a gf of mine. If he is hiding things from you, it's because he knows you won't approve. I think you need to talk to him. Y'all have been married for this long...he needs to respect you and your marriage. Otherwise, what he wants is to be a bachelor all over again. When you get married the "social life" is gone. And im sure a lot of people disagree...but there isn't room for any distractions in a marriage...I'm sure if the tables were turned he wouldn't like it. You are not a psycho, you're protecting your marriage...and there is nothing wrong with that. So speak your mind! Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): No its not ok. Its not right that he continues something that you are uncomfortable with. Have you met any of these female friends? Why are they such a distraction his priorities are wrong. My ex husband would message women in a similar way and mention women at work in a way to wind me up but then called me 'psycho' precisely the same and a jealous ****. Interestingly he was incensed when a male friend of mine made a comment on my public facebook profile that i looked sexy. More interrsting still he married one of his message women 12 mths after he instigated divorce. Turns out all his activity was not so innocent...and i was not the psycho. People often accuse others to deflect the issue when they are guilty themselves. My advice to you is to stop giving him your attention and refresh your face to face social life with new and interesting hobbies. If he wants so much private time he can have it but don't wait for him to change otherwise you are a doormat. This advice is mine with hindsight.
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A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (7 January 2014):
 Whether it's okay for him to talk to other women or not depends on what they're talking about. Obviously, anything of a sexual nature is inappropriate, and so is exchanging any photos that suggest sexual interest. I get it that you think the one woman talking about problems in her marriage is too personal. Although, try to see it from her point of view. Maybe she thought getting the opinion of another married guy would help her see her husband's point of view. Talking to her female friends or single guy friends just wouldn't be the same. After all, how would they be able to give proper advise not being married themselves? It's great that you have nothing to hide, but you MUST try to fight the urge to check up on him. Obviously that isn't working anyway, as you've only caused him to change all his passwords. This doesn't mean he has anything to hide, he's just tired of being called out by you every time he talks to someone you don't approve of. I know I would be pretty angry if my husband was logging into my facebook all the time, looking through my messages, and questioning me. He has my password as of right now, but he wouldn't for very long if he were to start doing that. That doesn't mean I would change my behavior on facebook, either. I would continue on the way I have been, just without being monitored. I don't think your husband is suddenly going to start having more inappropriate conversations with women just because he's no longer being monitored by you. Look, if he's a trustworthy person, he's that way regardless of being watched or not. If he's only "trustworthy" when he knows he's being watched, that's not going to last anyway. He'd find a way to cheat regardless of what you did to try to stop him. I do feel his calling you names like "psycho" is an immature and inappropriate way to handle this situation, and isn't helping his cause one bit. If he IS indeed only platonic friends with these women, and has no plans to take it further, he should know better than to say ANYTHING that might make you think otherwise. That would make me wonder, if he says that to my face, what is he saying behind my back? And if he's bashing you to other people, that could make other women think he'd be interested in a "escape" if you know what I mean. So he needs to watch what he's saying, if nothing else. As for what you should do now, you just have to keep your mind busy with other things to take your mind off it. Don't dwell on what's already happened, is what I'm saying. That will just make you angrier still. We all make mistakes, but if you dwell on them, you're more likely to repeat them without even meaning to. Read a good book, it will stay in your mind for days after you've read it. Or watch a GOOD horror movie. Trust me, if you're scared out of your mind, you won't have time to think about your husband. You'll be too busy checking all the places in your house that something could hide lol. Give yourself something, ANYTHING else to focus on besides how angry you are at your husband.
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A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (7 January 2014):
 One of my best friends is male, we worked together for years used to go for lunch together alone, and go out for drinks with other colleagues sometimes going for one last one before heading home - his wife his lovely, we: his wife and I don't socialise but I see her on Facebook. She called once when we were having a drink and he said I'm with kits and I heard her laugh and say I know what you too are like I'm off to bed I need to get some sleep before you come home and snore in my ear all night. He has nothing to hide about our friendship it's purely platonic when I was going through a terrible relationship he spent so much time helping me, I learnt a lot from him about men and how there brains work he has learnt a lot from me about women and how our brains work!I think to healthy to have friends of the opposite sex, especially when in relationships, I'd have hardly any friends if I didn't have male ones as I work in a male dominated industry, I've even known men have best women at their weddings - because a guy is talking to a woman doesn't mean he is going to want to jump her bones and not every woman wants to steal your husband they might just like their company and it might make them better menTalk to him about how it makes you feel, he should reassure you but he shouldn't give up on his friends that's just sad
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2014):
 Um it really depends on WHAT they are texting about. If it was "sexting" and sharing "I love you/miss you's" it would NOT be OK.
But for my husband to text/chat with women about things isn't something I see as a threat. He talks to his ex-wife every now and then, she will usually be the one venting about HER life because I have already told my husband that I don't really like for him to share anything about me or us - for the simple fact that she has treated me as dirt for so long. But I do think he can regard her as a "friendly (not a friend) female that he just happens to share kids with and was married too for a couple of years DECADES ago.
He also get texts from some of his "old" staff. The girls that worked under him and either need help or a guy to talk things through. He is pretty good at that, both with males and females and again, I don't have a problem because I can't see him crossing the line into being inappropriate.
I think YOU have a problem with it because in your eyes - texting WILL lead to cheating. I don't agree. And I also do NOT agree that a spouse HAVE a "right" to tell their partner WHO they can talk to or who they can be friends with (UNLESS it get inappropriate, then I DO think you can say hey, that isn't right).
You are making HIM talking to others about you. It's not. He should be able to talk to others. You should NOT be the only person he is allowed to talk to. You are not his prison warden.
I do think you are WAY overacting too. And the more you try and force the issue, the more YOU are pushing him to lie about it and hide it and THEN it becomes suspect.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 January 2014):
 It sounds like you're smothering him and he's acting out to make a statement that you can't mommy or control him. Why would he feel the need to change his passwords unless you were snooping or surveiling and calling him out on every communication he's having with any other person?
To get to your original question, is it okay, sure it is if they are platonic and have never had feelings or a past relationship. If she is an ex, a one night stand, or if he's had feelings or if she had or has feelings for him, then no it's not okay. But if she's a colleague and there has never been anything non-platonic between him, then why not?? My husband has platonic friends and I do too. He has his passwords open to me and I do to him as well, but I haven't gone through his email in years, and that's only because he asked me to to get a phone number and his work has barred access to firewalls in the years before the smart phone was invented. I trust my husband. He's had lunches and has gone to happy hours with friends, some of them female. We just have boundaries. He doesn't go out with them at night alone, and I don't have guys buy me drinks and I don't go have dates to the movies and stuff alone either, and we're open with each other about everything. As far as personal subjects, why not? I have only asked that he not discuss our sex life with anyone we know.
If someone's a cheater, they're going to cheat whether you are watching like a hawk or not. It does no good to constantly snoop and question, as it shows insecurity. If you know he's not cheating, and he's not flirting with women and making inappropriate conversation or sending pictures of genitals, then there needs to be space to breathe within a marriage.
The truth is, you opened this question talking about reading one of his conversations he had with this woman about her marriage. How, exactly, did you get ahold of that? That erodes trust as well, if you're constantly going through his conversations and reading all of his emails. Yes, you're married, but he never gave you any cause to suspect him outside of the fact that he has a friend who isn't a guy. That's not enough. That's not proof, that is your insecurity. You'll strangle and choke out the marriage because of YOUR trust issues, and they are your issues.
You need to decide what to do. If you don't like a guy who has female friends, then you need to leave your husband. He has told you his stand on having them. Otherwise, you need to give him space if he's never given you reason to distrust, as in he hasn't cheated before. It's one thing if he has cheated before, as transparency is the hallmark in re-establishing broken trust. But what if he hasn't broken your trust?
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (7 January 2014):
Well, I hate to say it, but he has a point.I'm a married female, same age range (I'm 43), and my husband and I both have very close opposite sex friends that we text and/or chat with. Yes, we share close personal details with these friends. I've always had male friends, he's always had female friends. We're both honest about it, I like his friends and he likes mine.You've dug yourself a hole here. He was honest with you. You freaked out-repeatedly. You MUST ask yourself why are you so insecure, and why so intent on snooping and learning ALL the details of ALL the conversations? If I had so little trust in my husband, I wouldn't be with him.He's now hiding it- yes, this is a problem, but from what you've said here, it's a problem that you've created via constant nagging and insecurity. He TOLD you he isn't going to change. His friends are his friends, and are going to stay that way.The mistake here lies solely on YOUR side- if this was something you are unable to deal with, why did you not leave when he honestly and openly told you he has no intention of changing? You can't change someone who doesn't want to change, do you realize this? I would feel differently if the initial contacts all happened in secret. I would feel differently if he had EXPRESSED ANY INTENTION OF DUMPING HIS FEMALE FRIENDS TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.According to you, this isn't the case. My advice? Lighten up, Nellie!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 January 2014):
 You ask: "Is it ok for a married man to text or chat with other woman?.."
Yes... it IS "OK" as long as that "other woman" is, either:
1. his Mother,
2. his Sister,
3. his Aunt,
4. his daughter,
5. his tax accountant, or,
6. Heck, I can't think of another one which is justifiable..... Sorry.
P.S. If hubby's "chat" partners don't fit in to one of the above categories.... then YOU need to have a "chat" with hubby!!!!
Good luck....
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