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age
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writes: I'm just curious, I apologise in advance if this is TMI. I've been with my partner for 6 years, living together for one. We used to sleep together several times a day every time we saw each other... But for the past year of living together it's only about once a week. Sorry if this is TMI, but my partner used to do foreplay, kiss me, etc. and now it's just 'sex' and nothing more.. In fact I think he only has it with me once a week to keep me quiet.I've mentioned this a few times and he often says it's because he's put on weight and feels insecure, or says he has a low sex drive. I understand and try to work on this with him, but I'm worried in case it's something more, such as me. He told me the other day that he watches porn almost every day, which I don't mind at all... But it shocked me how often he watches it, considering we don't have much sex. I find it hard to understand how he doesn't have sex ''because he has a low sex drive" if he watches so much porn. He always reassures me that the lack of sex has nothing to do with me or our relationship, however nothing seems to improve. The other day during sex he almost went a bit soft, then he had to touch himself to finish. I got a bit upset, does this mean he doesn't find me attractive?Does this sound normal? Is once a week sex normal when living with a partner?
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male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (31 August 2016):
 It maybe normal for somebody but you make an obvious observation that it isn't normal for you two: you used to have sex often, now you don't. Since you are willing and he isn't then the problem is with him.
Sure, weight can attribute to that, but that can be fixed by hitting the gym. Men build testosterone, hence penis strength, every time they excercise. So join gym and make him go nuts there. Include some supplements to enhance the endurance, weights and cardio. Those supplements (like arginine, citrulline) also build or is hardness.
However, you got to get him off porn. Although you don't mind from the notional side, the practical problem is that every time he watches porn the visual arousal from it displaces his ability to get aroused by you. He keeps conditioning himself to think that imaginary eroticism is more arousing than the actual erotic stuff you offer. If he jerks off while watching then that's a total disaster when with you. In general, a man who has a woman should avoid and ignore porn because porn makes him want the visual arousal and not you.
So force him to stop the excuses. Put him in gym and take issue with porn. If he is otherwise healthy, changes should come within 6 months.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2016): Please understand that there comes a point in every relationship when sex tapers-off. It starts off hot, because sex is readily available; and you're a novelty to each other. Over time, you become very used to each other; and you have to be romantically-creative. Creativity, mood, and setting-up a warm and cuddly atmosphere around you; keeps that passion in the relationship.
Sex doesn't always have to be intercourse. It doesn't always have to be the white-bread missionary-style position. Talk about what turns you both on and experiment.
Don't judge or give him fish-eyes, if he sounds weird or freaky. If it doesn't work for you, don't do it. Plain and simple!
This may not apply to your relationship; but it may apply to others. Don't scrutinize his every move during sex, when all you do is lie there like a dead fish letting everything happen to you, and doing nothing for him. If you're doing everything to heat him up, and he doesn't seem to react; then you should be concerned.
I want to remind you ladies that men are not machines that spring-up on cue. Sometimes, just like you, he's not as much in the mood. Your boyfriend explained to you he feels insecure about his weight, but he also watches porn. Those over-sexed well-endowed porn actors will make the average Joe feel quite inadequate. The same affect it has on normal women who foolishly compare themselves to those bleach-blonde blow-up dolls with implants who spend every dime they make on weaves, injections, and surgeries.
The biggest problem with porn and masturbation is; it can easily become addictive. A preferred alternative to intercourse; because it demands no creativity, its self-rewarding, and requires very little effort to get to climax. It's quite selfish, because masturbation doesn't require satisfying anyone but yourself. It's a man-thing, and no amount of explanation will make sense to women. Our sexuality and plumbing is different, and how we pleasure ourselves is totally different.
You may want to help him with a diet and exercise plan. Exercise is known to raise testosterone levels in men, and good diet also helps. His libido increases due to the better blood flow and increased energy. If he's lazy, and all he does is lie around the house and eat junk; his testosterone drops even at a young age.
If he's becoming bored with your sex-life, he's substituting porn and masturbation for making-love. It demands less, shelters his insecurities, and it's all about him. That's not fair, and all of the above is downright lazy. That's when it's time for porn to go into the trash; because he is desensitizing himself, and it's becoming a selfish indulgence.
Talking about it doesn't always work, because men have this thing of not wanting to hear when their sexual-performance or sex-drive is less than satisfying. It's personal and a blow to the ego. Most go into denial and refuse to talk about it. They also deny porn has any effect on their libido; and oh but it does! If you're playing with yourself more than you play with your partner. What's left for your mate after you've drained the sack? Too much tugging and pulling of the penis will desensitize it. Then will there is real intercourse; it may take longer to get an erection or harder to maintain one. I'll give to you straight.
You won't get very far talking about it too much. That's just how it goes; because you may not like what he would admit if he would or could confess exactly how he feels.
It's something you sort of workout indirectly. You ease your way into the conversation; until he is comfortable enough to discuss it. Be tender and patient. We're talking about an expression of love and affection. You'll get no communication through direct confrontation. Try as you may!
Complaining and placing him under cross-examination is the fastest way I know to make a man clam-up and shutdown. You'll also give him the perfect excuse to avoid the discussion and to reject you. Making nasty accusations doesn't make you desirable under any circumstances. You might think accusing him of cheating would force him to try to prove otherwise. Nope, he'll go on the defensive and will go limp just at the thought of how mean you were to him. He'll be humiliated and feel emasculated. Don't believe me? Challenge me on it. How a man performs sexually and how his penis functions is something he's not even comfortable discussing with his doctor, or best buddy.
Well, after a few shots or beers, he'll tell his bud just about anything; because he knows he'll understand and can actually empathize. He's male, and we all experience it.
I know first-hand as a guy. Careful about pointing fingers and being accusatory, you'll cause more problems than in the bedroom. He'll start to dislike you for it and pull-away. Tension and resentment builds, and sex will come to a complete halt. Women don't have to achieve erections.
He may play tough and hide his feelings, but he has feelings. His penis rises not only based on physiological health and biological mechanics; but also depends heavily on what's happening in our heads. Bills and finances, aging, job issues, insecurities, body dysmorphia, weight, feeling like a loser; or overall low self-esteem will affect sexual-performance and lower the libido. You have to be a guy to understand it completely.
The wrong approach, and he will shut you out, write you off; and there will be no sex, instead of less sex. All that stuff about getting it elsewhere? Well consider how much he's away from home and off the couch? Does he have so much opportunity to get out and find it elsewhere? Seriously?!! Use common-sense about that.
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female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (31 August 2016):
I can fully understand why you were worried over the Once a week love- making.There is an old saying if he is not getting it at home,then where. Put your worries away, there are many people only have sex once a month, and their relationship is working.Its not easy being a woman ,because the First thing we think ..as you thought does he not fine me attractive anymore,and the answer is Yes he does find you attractive.However to give you some tips to help him along..Try and find a book, by the name of ..THE JOYS OF MAKING-LOVE...then with the help of tips from this book,try and stop him from looking at porn.A little time and understanding will hopefully sort this situation out.Kind regards Nora B.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2016): You're not alone. We're in the same boat!
Also 2 years nothing for the exact same reasons you gave.
He stressed depressed extra weight, me high sex drive and I've been sexy then overweight then sexy again and nothing changed.
The guy has to be in a good place. Its not about us.
I love my guy through it all, one day he will return I'm sure ;)
Meantime look after yourselves :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2016): It was hot and spicy cause he used to chase you, he didnt see you all time, and was ampt up sexually for the next time. Now that youve move in with him, why bother? It sounds like he sees you everyday, hes getting bored. Move out, starting living an interesting life outside him, create boundaries and he will be on his toes trying get you back.
Dont make it easy on him, dont make life on easy on you. Cohabitation is the easiest way to lose chemistry and 50% of unmarried couples who move in together, DONT Stay together. And they often marry to save the relationship, but it ends up in divorce by 70%.
Why would a guy feel excited to be sexual with you when he sees you all time? Keep him on the chase a little. Make him know youre not always available. Move out and chase your dreams, DO NOT get too comfortable. Youre not married, dont be complacent about your boundaries
And if your not getting enough sex, masturbate masturbate masturbate. If attempts at sex arent getting anywhere, it wont by trying talk about it. FULLFILL YOUR OWN NEEDS IF YOURE MAN CANT. YOu can only change yourself. Move out, work on you, know what you cant and can accept
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2016): Im in a similar spot. Wish I knew the answer. I'll be listening to this space for advice.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 August 2016):
 Stop worrying...he is telling the truth.
My husband and I were insane before we moved in together. Then he moved in and while it was not too bad it got to be less and less... then he started gaining weight... and he does not feel sexy any more...then he got stressed from health and work issues... now he's depressed and has gained a ton of weight and he wants NOTHING.
I have a huge sex drive and I would be happy with once a week... nope.. October will be two years for us... He used to be a porn guy...now he's not even interested in that. BUT it does not mean he does not love me and want to be with me. I even went and checked his phone and computer... no texts from anyone, no porn, no emails... NOT cheating. Just no sex drive.
Your guy going soft is because he's used to his own hand and porn... it's much easier and faster to get yourself off than interact with a partner.
Ask him to stop the porn ...offer him blow jobs instead if he feels the urge..as long as you still get what you need at least once a week and things may improve.
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