A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Lately, I haven't been able to get over my guilt. My boyfriend and I are very much in love. He is the most wonderful, understanding, and loving partner I could ask for, but he's so wonderful that I feel guilty for being unable to measure up. Lately, I've been feeling guilty about everything, but to understand, I need to explain our relationship a bit.My boyfriend and I began our relationship online. We wrote emails back and forth to one another for nearly 8 months before meeting in person. During those 8 months we wrote very passionate emails and I was definitely falling for him, but I didn't think we were officially together. With friends and family telling me I was crazy and that I needed to keep my eyes open for possibilities right in front of me instead of focusing on this guy who was thousands of miles away, I made out with a few guys.I didn't find out until later (after I went to visit and we made our relationship official) that my boyfriend thought we had been "together" the whole time. I told him about the guys I made out with, and he has forgiven me, but I still feel awful. What's more, during that time period, I wasn't completely sure about him...sometimes he wrote things that kind of annoyed me, but I realize now that it's because of the medium of email, not because he annoys me in real life. But now I feel guilty for every doubting him or thinking badly of him. Is it normal to feel this guilty? I know it's because I love him so much now and I wish we had always been together, but I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): He forgave you, you didn't think it was exclusive.
Stop being petty, because that's what your being. I know you probably can't help feeling guilty but you will ruin it if it consumes you any more. Just focus on the positives
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): Stop feeling guilty!!
You haven't done anything abnormal or wrong here. Firstly, you didn't realize that you were 'together' with this guy when you made out with other people, so you had no intention of cheating. Call me old-fashioned, but I'm not sure you can be 'together' with someone you've never met, who is thousands of miles away from you! Attracted to them and fascinated by them, yes certainly, but not 'together' as a couple. So your behaviour to me seems entirely normal and nothing to feel bad about. Plus, you've been honest about it with him, and he has forgiven you! So if it's not even an issue for him, why are you making it into one for yourself?
Secondly, it is quite normal to have a few doubts and a few questions about someone at the start of a relationship. There is a period of adjustment where you are both getting used to one another's way of being, in which miscommunications can easily occur. That is exacerbated on email because you lack the tone of voice and gestures that make meaning all the more clear. So of course you were uncertain! In fact, it would be actually worrying if you had rushed into this with the idea that he was some kind of perfect being! Again, your behaviour has been completely normal and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Please stop worrying! I wonder if there is something deeper at work here, to do with your self-esteem? From the tone of your email, it sounds as though you don't feel quite good enough for this man. I have no doubt that he's every bit as wonderful as you say, but don't forget that you, too, are an amazing and unique person and I am sure he wouldn't be with you if he wasn't equally fascinated by you and equally in love with you in return! You need to get out of a cycle of feeling 'not good enough' so that you can get into the present and enjoy it to the full. Never forget: you deserve to be happy - so stop worrying about non-existent past issues, and start enjoying the wonderful first flush of your love together!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): You have no reason at all to feel guilty. An online relationship isn't a real relationship and so of course you could not know that you were supposed to be exclusive.
What matters is that now that you both agree that you are a couple, you will be exclusive with him.
And stop telling yourself you're not good enough for him; if he truly thought so, then I'm sure he would not be with you. So stop thinking like that!!
good luck
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