A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am with a wonderful man whom I love very much. We are in a long-distance relationship but he is endlessly sweet, thoughtful, and loving to me. We talk every day on Skype. In most ways I feel I could not ask for a better man. But. He has been hurt by many women in the past, and he's told me many times about how for 20 years he put a wall around his heart and did not love anyone, nor allow anyone to love him, for fear of getting hurt again. He tells me that he was miserable before I came along. He also says that if I were ever to leave him, he would put the wall back up around his heart, would be miserable again, and would not even try to love anyone else for the rest of his life. (He is 50, so this is conceivable, and knowing him, I believe it might actually be true.) Although we are close and can talk about most anything, I would not marry him yet, because we just don't know each other well enough. I love him because he is a good soul and there is no one with a kinder heart, and don't plan to break up with him, but I still don't like feeling pressured to stay with this man forever or else always carry the guilt of breaking his heart and ruining his life. Is this normal, or am I being a jerk, or what? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 October 2011):
 Goodness, he is quite the drama-queen, isn't he? Manipulative and mean, not to mention incredibly selfish. I guess some people never mature, no matter their age. You'll be growing up and he'd be stuck in his stage of arrested development.
I'd block his feed on FB so you don't read it. Just ignore him for now. He'll have heal his own wounds. Frankly, he set himself up for this heartbreak in the first place. I wonder why. Some people engineer their own traumas, don't know why but whatever the reason, it's not your fault. Ignore that message and go no contact for 4 months. Revisit your situation at that time and reflect on your own personal growth at that time.
I think hiding the relationship from your family is a strong indicator that it was dead from the get-go.
The only deviation from NC is a mailed Christmas or holiday greeting card. That's it, I think.
Have you told a real-life friend or family member yet? I think getting real-world support would be a good idea. Get off the computer and out into the university campus and spend time with new friends there. Enjoy your time. I'm sitting here at the auto service lounge jealous as heck that you get to be in college and enjoying all your experiences there. Don't throw it away by getting stuck in the virtual fantasy world. LIVE OUT LOUD, girl. You only get the one life! LIVE IT!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 October 2011):
 You did the right thing. NOW if it's going to hurt you, remove him/block him on facebook at least for a bit.
His postings are drama queen in nature and designed to elicit sympathy from you and any mutual friends you may have.
Take the high road and ignore him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your answers Tisha-1. Yeah, he really is 50. I think one of the reasons we got on so well is that he doesn't have the maturity of an average 50-year-old, to be honest - at least when it comes to personal and emotional issues. My family isn't on Facebook, so they won't see his status, and we don't have a ton of mutual Facebook friends either, so I doubt there will be much explaining I have to do. He sent me a private Facebook message this morning reminding me that I had said I would never hurt him on purpose and now I have twice, and he wishes he'd never met me and thanks for the pain. It hurts so much to read that. But I figure I need to give it at least a month's break this time before I decide whether to go back to him or not. Maybe more like 3-4 months. What do you think?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 October 2011):
You did the right thing and you are not a bad person. I pushed the enter button before I had finished my post!
Do you have a lot of mutual friends on FB who will ask you what is going on? I think you might feel more comfortable to have an answer ready.
"Yes, we have broken up. I have concentrate on my studies and it was an LDR that really didn't have a viable future."
What will you tell your family when they see his status?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 October 2011):
Is he really 50? That post certainly sounds like a guy who is very immature and needs a lot of attention, be it negative or positive. So I guess your family will see it too? And know he's talking about you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay. So I broke up with him again, and I'm actually still functioning. Wow. Just hoping not to completely lose it sometime in the next few days. I'm going to miss him so much, it was so hard to tell him "it's over" when I still do love him. He just posted on Facebook something along the lines of "Every time I give my heart to someone it gets broken! I should have known better!" and he knows I'm going to see it, and I feel so guilty and also ticked that he's telling the whole world I broke up with him, but what can I do. Somebody please reassure me that I did right? I feel like a crappy person and just need the words of support. :( Not going back to him this time.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
He knows it's coming. The reason it took 2 hours to break up with him is that he was probably trying to talk you out of it.
A few things. One, you are not his counselor, his shoulder to cry on, his confidante any longer. This is non-negotiable. He will have to find his own consolation his own way; you have enough looking after yourself to try to mop up after him. So NO contact after the break on Skype. ONE email after 48 hours or so has elapsed, and then no contact for at least a week.
You don't have to explain your reasons, he knows what they are if you've been talking to him about this.
"John, I'm sad to tell you this but I am ending the relationship. It isn't working for me, for all the reasons we've talked about in the past. You are a great guy and I really do care about you, but this just isn't a viable relationship for me. I have to get on with my life and my future and due to life's timing, you will not be my boyfriend any longer. At some point in the future, if we ever do meet again, perhaps there will be a friendship.
"I know that you've been hurt badly before and I'm sorry to do it to you again, but you will find a way to cope, I'm sure. If you can't, I think it's probably a good idea to get come counseling, so you can figure out how to remove the wall around your heart. You'll just have to do it on your own, it's probably healthier that way.
"I'm a college student, I have a lot of growing up to do and I want to fully experience my college years without being tied down to a long distance relationship. I am exhausted from keeping this from my family and I just can't do it any longer. I am sorry.
"I'm going to hang up now, and I know the next few days will be rough on both of us, but I know I'm doing the right thing for me in the long run. I hope you'll take good care of yourself and try to understand as best you can.
"You deserve to be happy, with someone who is there with you. That alas, cannot be me. So with a great deal of sadness and a heavy heart, I will say goodbye. You take care now, okay? Bye." *click*
Then do NOT turn back to him, okay?
If you find yourself breaking down on the Skype call, tell him you have to cut the connection and that you will write and finish the break up via email. It might be a good idea to write down the email BEFORE you make the call, so you can read from it if you get stuck.
I would go ahead and 'fess up to your family, so they can support you through the sad feelings you'll experience and ask your friends for help too. The more you open up and are honest about your feelings, I've found, there will be someone there to provide the emotional support and morale boosts when you need them.
Good luck.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 October 2011):
OUCHIES... a dear john email... ugh.
if you don't talk on the phone then I guess skype it is.
but you can keep it short...
"hey insert name here I really need some time to think about how I want to proceed with my life and I think it's best if we end our contact. I don't really wish to discuss it further by voice as I will be very upset and it will hurt both of us but I can give you any clarifications you want for the next 48 hours via email"
this way you do the mean deed (and he will see it as mean and YOU will HURT) via voice but end the contact so you aren't on the computer crying hysterically for hours...
then you let him get some closure over a SHORT period of time.... IF you do not give him a time frame for the END of contact he will drag this out and manipulate you.
YOU must be strong honey... YOU must set strong parameters and stick to them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne other question. Do you think it would be acceptable for me to break up with him by email? Last time, I broke up with him on Skype, and it wasn't pretty. Long story short, it took forever, I cried for the better part of two hours (it blocked up one of my ears, which still hasn't gone back to normal, lol), and it was really painful. I'll feel like a jerk if I break up with him in an email, but at least it won't be so dragged-out and it will give me the chance to explain my reasons clearly without me breaking down and without him trying to talk me out of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1: Thanks for your answer. Yes, that other question was me. I broke up with him and then went back to him the next morning. Not the smartest thing I've ever done. I regret not sticking it out; it would have been a lot easier than breaking it off a second time, which I see that I have to do. My gut instinct has been telling me that for a while and all the advice here has helped confirm it. (I appreciate it, guys.) I do love this guy, despite whatever issues he has, so it's not going to be easy. After breaking up for real, I'll post an update here.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
Is this you? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-think-i-might-be-falling-out-of.html
I'm actually happy to hear that you broke up with him. Look, flat out. There is something creepy and wrong about a 50 year old guy, dating a 19 year old online and making her responsible for his entire happiness. It's lopsided and unbalanced and just plain old emotional blackmail.
"If you don't love MEEEEEEEEEEE I'm going to sit in the corner and pout and it's ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!"
That's the reasoning of a 9 year old, not an emotionally healthy 50 year old. Your guy is where he is because he put himself there. He is where he is because of the choices HE made. It's not your job to fix that for him and it's not your job to give up your life and your future on the off-chance he gets his life together and can man up and show up in person.
If he truly loved you, he'd let you experience your college life without any holds or bars on you.
You only get this college experience once. Spending it Skypeing with some emotionally crippled guy who has had hundreds of chances to fix his life for himself, sitting in the dark, while all around you, people your age with tons of ideas and loads of energy are living their lives, and leaving you in the dust.
You'll look back on this time with regret if you cave into his emotional blackmail.
It is completely normal to feel resentful for being handed the responsibility of someone else's entire happiness. That coming from a guy who can't get it together to come see you is rich.
And the fact you've been lying to your family about it? Also bad. Be thankful you were brave enough to end it.
You HAVE ended it, right? Wait, I'm confused. You broke off with him, but then went back to him?
It's emotional blackmail, he may appear to be normal and sweet but it's definitely a facade. This is not a good guy. Really and truly, he is not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies everyone. I do feel better knowing that my feelings aren't unreasonable. Yes, I have met this man in person - however, we haven't seen each other for a couple of years. This is bothering me too, that I might spend the next few years of my life (till I'm out of college and living on my own) talking to him online, and maybe getting to visit with him sporadically, without the chance to spend regular time with him in person. (My parents don't approve, so I have to keep the relationship under wraps, which I hate because I am not naturally deceptive.) It seems like an awful lot of time to invest in a relationship that may not be going anywhere. Especially as I'm giving up my opportunities to date in college. But at the same time, I do love him, he is a good person who deserves to be happy and loved, and it makes me sick to think of how hurt he will be if I leave, especially if he never finds someone else to love. :(
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 October 2011):
 Right, have you met this guy yet??
How long have you been seeing each other??
I've said this before on here, but I'm going to tell you now. You must not compensate for what he says other women have done to him. You're not responsible for trying to heal his hurt. You didn't choose the girls he dated, and *he*, not you, are responsible for this wall around his heart.
In truth, that's a manipulation tactic in order to get you to do what he wants and act the way he wants you to. Like I said, he is the only one responsible, and you will run your life off a cliff if you try to be his savior and his healing agent.
Also, I don't usually mind age differences, but a long distance one of 30 years where you Skype, you're thinking of marriage, and he's threatening consequences if you leave him is not healthy.
If he's 50 and you're 20, what's going to happen when you're 50? You're thinking marriage, so you should be considering the fact that he'll be 80. What if you have kids? You marry at 25 years old, and have kids at age 30. He'll be 60!
Not only that, but he's in a different place in his life than you are, and how's he going to feel when you want to get out there and experience life? He's already holding you accountable for his past hurts, so he's going to have issue with where you go and who you talk to. He's already had his partying and sexual experience years, and so he's expecting you to have been done with adventure too.
Being on Skype for a relationship doesn't amount to dating. You're not really getting to know him better because you're not around him for any length of time. This is a fantasy for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): Entirely normal to feel that way. Just take it day by day and see where the relationship leads. If he's trying to guilt trip you into marriage or keeps bringing it up, then you need to have a straightforward conversation with him and tell him you don't appreciate having your emotions played on he needs to go to a shrink and try and sort out these insecurities, as it could be that he is only trying to manipulate you into staying with him which is unhealty. He should just rather be focusing on having a great time with a lovely woman, rather than choosing to be negative.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): This is a bad sign and is actually a form of emotional abuse. "If you leave me I will....." (fill in blanks.) It goes up by varying degrees, the worst of which is "if you leave I will kill myself/hurt or kill you." The US army actually ranks it in their sever abuse list right up there with sever physical beatings and strangulation.
He is using your love against you to force you to stay, (even if you wouldn't go.) It is a controling/manipulative behavior and extremely unhealthy. The chances of it escalating? That's hard to say. But I would suggest that this man needs some type of counseling. He may have been abused, suffer from depression, a whole list of baggage you're not aware of. However, due to his age it is likely he doesn't believe in counseling.
I would not marry him at this time, either. He has some things he needs to work on with himself.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 October 2011):
you are not being a jerk at all.
YOU are NEVER responsible for his feelings even if you do marry him. OR live with him.
If you are 21 and he is 50 we are talking a nearly 30 year age gap.
let's talk here..
it's age gap
it's long distance
have you met IRL?
how long have you been a "couple"
if he is saying for the last 20 years he's been alone and now he's better because he has YOU on a computer long distance... honey be careful.
I'm 51 and my boyfriend is 38 13 years is a huge gap some times... thankfully he does not want children...
if you want children have you talked to your bf about this?
when do you two plan to close your gap?
I think meeting online is fine
I think age gap relationships are fine
I think here I sense some red flags....
he's pressuring you to stay knowing that you may leave (and for good reason)... make no promises to him.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (11 October 2011):
 No you're not being a jerk. I don't think this guy intentionally put this responsibility on you, but what he said does make you responsible for whether he keeps his heart open, in his theory anyway.
So don't keep the responsibility. Give it back. Tell him what you said here...
"I would not marry you yet, because we just don't know each other well enough. I love you because you are a good soul and there is no one with a kinder heart, and I don't plan to break up with you"
... but you don't know for sure what the future will hold, so you don't want to have to worry that if you ever have to break up for whatever reason, that he will shut himself off from other people again and be miserable for the rest of his life. You care for him, and that is why you want him to accept that he is responsible for his own happiness.
He can't base his whole future happiness on whether things work out between you two, because that puts too much pressure on your relationship. It is not fair to you.
With any luck he will understand after you tell him this. He sounds like a bit of a drama queen, but he needs to know how his despairing stories actually affect anther person in a relationship with him.
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