A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, is it normal to fantasize about another guy when you are married with kids? We have been married for 22 years. I am for the most part happily married but when things don't seem to be going right--meaning a disagreement or frustration in our relationship--my mind does wander to thoughts of a gym trainer flirting with me. So far, the trainer has texted me and likes to go out of his way to talk to me when I am in the gym. He likes to tease me a lot too.it has not been anything more than that. Of course I feel horribly guilty about this. I do try to talk to my hubby about things in our relationship to iron things out--but sometimes it is so easy to let one's mind go. . .
View related questions:
flirt, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2015): Thanks for your advice Garbo, Honeypie. I Don't Lie, Tisha-1, and Anoynmous. I am the OP. All words of wisdom. It is all very confusing to me. I was initially flattered and shocked by all the attention. I thought the gym trainer was just a player/joker type and did this to all the women at the gym. But others at the gym are noticing that he likes to "pick on me.", tease me and make references that something is going on between us.He did text me first. My life with my hubby can be mundane. I do like the attention--almost crave it at times. My hubby does try but has never been the Romeo type. We are trying to plan a getaway. But sadly, it has not come into fruition yet. I need to push that it happens. Thanks again.
A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (30 March 2015):
 To answer your question first: yes, it is normal to fantasize about someone else even if he is specific person like your situation. What I have a qualm with is that you are indirectly flirting with that trainer because, apparently, you interpret his behavior as flirtatious (maybe he does too). And that is dangerous water that could quickly spill into extramarital disaster. What that flirting and affection says is that your marriage is lacking something and you are right, you need to work it out with your husband. You don't have to necessarily bring up the guy but bring up the qualities that the guy has which make you tingle and get your husband to do them. Who you fantasize about is irrelevant but what isn't is whether you can maintain this fine line that won't spill.
...............................
A
reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (30 March 2015):
 It depends on who you put this question out to. Many might not agree with me, but personally, I find it absolutely normal behaviour to fantasize about someone else whilst in a long term relationship. It's not ideal, and it can be hurtful to your partner if he learns about this, but feelings and attraction are intangible complexes of the human mind.
However, you owe it to your relationship, especially having been in it for 22 years, your partner, kids, and most of all, your own peace of mind, to dig deeper and reflect if there are any underlying issues of your own arising from this fantasy. Two main questions - you will need to do a little bit of soul searching on and be absolutely honest with your answers.
i) Would you act out on any of your fantasies in the physical (ie, cheating on your partner)?
ii) Has this been a recurring theme, and is it something that has 'plagued' you for a long time?
If you answered yes to any of the above, then unfortunately, you are faced with a trickier problem than just 'admiration of beauty' of the opposite sex, which happens even to the best of us. It could be that you have problems in your own relationship, maybe your partner doesn't necessarily make you feel sexy anymore and you are craving for a bit of attention, or maybe being a mother to children have made you feel less like a woman and more like a 'mum'?
It is good to want to iron things out and laying it out with you partner may seem like the best thing to do now, but without first confronting your 'demons', you run the very real risk of going around in circles with your partner.
Hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 March 2015):
 Fantasies are very common (as in normal) but perhaps texting someone you have a crush on? Not a good idea.
I'd leave the fantasies in the realm of the mind.
Have you tried going on a nice holiday with your husband and get the heart pounding by sharing new experiences and some challenges that bond you two more closely?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 March 2015):
 I think having fantasies are absolutely normal, personally I have learned to keep to "fictional" characters. Because once you start to fantasize about a real person who is in your life (like your gym trainer) it crosses a line into the murky waters of a possible emotional affair or fling, which you MAY not have thought possible.
The trainer really has no reason to text you. And you really HAVE no good reason to text him. SPECIALLY not if you use him for "fantasy fodder".
As for the banter at the gym? I think that is totally OK as LONG as you are MINDFUL of not making it into some semi-sexual flirt.
I'd say, how about you set up a weekly or bi-weekly date-night with your hubby? Where you DO NOT discuss "boring" subjects like kids, work, chores and money. Or family outings. It doesn't HAVE to be expensive. Going hiking or bowling or having a picnic doesn't cost an arm and a leg.
It might let you and your husband see each other in a different light. I mean I can TOTALLY understand your NEED for escapism if you feel like there are a LOT of "let's talk about this or that issue" instead of enjoying each other. Take some STRESS of each other.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2015): no everyone has fantasys I have many what you do with the fantasy is a different matter
...............................
|
