A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm 17 years old and I'm dating a 21 year old man. We've been dating for 2.3 years and I lost my virginity to him over a year ago. He is my first boyfriend and was my first everything. Anyway, we have a pretty active sex life (3-4x a week) and the sex is great, but he always wants me to give him oral sex and I just don't like giving him oral sex. He's clean, shaved, and doesn't smell bad but I just don't like it. I always feel so slutty doing it and I just hate every aspect of it. I've told him this and he says he understands and that I never have to do anything I don't feel comfortable with, but I can tell he wants it. He makes little comments about it a lot. Is this normal for me to feel this way? He gives me oral sex and I love it but I hate giving it to him because I feel gross. I know he loves me, he has said multiple times how he even wants to marry me soon, but I'm so worried that he's going to leave me for not giving him oral sex! What do I do?
View related questions:
lost my virginity, oral sex, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): you don't have to do exactly the same things that he does for you. but if he does oral on you, then you should return the favour in another way.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 April 2012):
 I think this comes down to your age. You're not "there yet" where you are completely comfortable with your own body and his body and your own sexuality. It is weird to be repulsed by oral sex. Most people love it. There are some who dislike it, or don't care either way, but few who are outright repulsed by it and feel slutty by the thought of it.
Why are you even thinking of getting married at your age? Get engaged if you want, but do not marry until you are a bit older. This isn't to sound belittling or anything, but strictly speaking you aren't mature enough. Your body, and your brain, isn't fully developed until you are around 23 years old. You're not comfortable with different aspects of sex, you need time to get to know yourself really too, because you've just become a woman, or barely a woman. You'll experience huge changes ahead, and by the age of 25 you'll probably want something completely different in life than what you want right now. At any rate, if you're thinking about marriage then it's for life and you can afford to wait it out. It is way better to see if he'll leave you over the lack of oral sex NOW, than if you are married.
And then there's the last piece of it all.. you say HE talks about wanting to marry you soon, but you didn't say anything about you wanting to marry HIM. So do you? Is he the one? Or does it just sound nice to get married? Think about this carefully. Your relationship isn't ready for marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 April 2012):
 OP we have the same problem only it's my fiance that can't stomach giving oral...
I disagree a bit with Cerberus as I often tease my fiance about wanting his head between my legs (but NEVER while we are in bed) as I miss it very very much. I accept however that this is a limitation of our sex life. He really gags from performing oral sex... and yet for HIM not getting blow jobs would be a deal breaker... thankfully I like to give them and he likes to get them so it works out for us
but yes I'll tease him about it... I'm not leaving him over it... I'm not cheating on him over it... I do have to "take care of myself" so to speak since without oral I will not orgasm during sex... but he is ok with that... and often will participate in other ways....
My wonder for you is if the only thing that is the stumbling block for you to give bjs is that you feel slutty... what else is there that bothers you about it?
because it's not a slutty thing you know.. it's the ultimate act of trust for a man... YOUR TEETH near his most precious (to him) body part???
if you don't like giving them and he knows this and you never gave them as a way to "hook" him.. then while he teases you about it and would probably prefer that you do it, you should accept that he is aware of this sexual limitation and he's willing to compromise for you.
you are very very young... don't worry about marriage just yet dear one...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): I have to disagree with person12345 on this one. Your boyfriend says one thing and says he understands and that it's okay but why all the comments then?
He is actually pressuring you by making those comments all the time, slowly trying to wear you down to the point where you want to give him one. It may not be a malicious or planned thing on his part but the effect is the same. It's like a kid whose mother has told him he can't have ice cream. "I really like that flavour ice cream, that's my favourite, if I had a million quid I would buy all the ice cream in the world, oh that kid has chocolate ice-cream I don't like chocolate ice cream, Ice cream would be really nice right now, if I was allowed to have ice cream I think I'd pick that one, no, maybe that one." You see what I'm getting at?
OP next time he comments you have to call him out on it, you have to tell him straight up that he should stop the comments because you're simply never going to do it because you can't. See how "understanding" he is when you completely shut down the possibility of it happening, ever.
It's obvious he wants it but is he really going to be okay with never getting it? Because the fact he keeps hinting at it tells me he still wants to try and convince you otherwise, now you're not going to buy him ice-cream then you need to tell him that so he'll stop pressuring you.
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (29 April 2012):
 I'll agree with "person12345" that "oral sex is not a requirement," but I also think it is a two-way issue. In other words, you are receiving oral satisfaction from him and you say that you "love it." But you don't want to return the pleasure.
In that case, you should do without yourself, but he probably enjoys giving to you. So you are, by withholding, denying an intimate pleasure that is perfectly healthy if with a clean man without disease.
But such is your mindset - it's all mental, yet something that you may never be able to overcome. One possible solution is to employ flavored condoms. In doing that, you are essentially just sucking on rubber, but it may help keep him from straying in order to fulfill his desires. Or you can accept that he may do so at times.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): first you say he 'always wants' you to give him oral, then you say he is understanding and doesn't pressure you. but then he makes little comments about it.
If he really is understanding and not pressuring he wouldn't always be asking for it, let alone making little comments about it. one time of you saying you just don't like it, should have closed the subject.
If he keeps bringing it up over and over, even though he then says "that's alright, I understand" but only to bring it up yet again tomorrow or make little comments about it he's not really being non-pressuring it's just a more subtle passive-aggressive way to pressure you.
And this could be why you feel so conflicted. On the one hand you feel this immense pressure and yet you also feel as if he's being a nice guy about it so you feel guilty on top of feeling pressured. that's a pretty negative combination of emotions to have surrounding sex which should be a beautiful and joyous activity.
with my last ex I hated doing oral because he was always asking for it. that started to turn me off a little, so then I would naturally not be thinking of doing it as much so he would start asking more to the point of pestering, such as asking me hours in advance for "assurance" that I would do it later that night or also making these little comments about it all the time. I found this a huge turn off. I hated being pressured to do something and being denied the chance to freely choose to do it on my own. that just sucks (no pun intended!) all the enjoyment out of it for me. And it made me feel like he didn't actually care much about me only what I could do for him (which actually was true in more ways than just this, which is why we're no longer together.) ... Over time, this pattern led me to just hate doing oral, but I didn't hate doing it per se I just hated doing it with him.
with my current partner, he does not pressure me for anything at all, so I'm free to give as much as I want and can. which is how it should be. and as a result I LOVE giving him oral, with him it's always a positive experience, I can't get enough of it and I give it to him almost every chance I get!!
...............................
A
male
reader, DunKair  +, writes (29 April 2012):
I think that your boyfriend is being very nice about it. I doubt he is going to leave you because he want to marry you soon. Believe what he says, he wouldn't leave you when he has plans to marry you. The reason he keeps mentioning it is because he has hope that you will do it for him.
Another thing worth mentioning is that it is not slutty to give oral sex. Do you see your boyfriend as slutty for going down on you? It isn't slutty for doing something that makes your SO happy, and he would never think you were slutty for something that he WANTS you to do, so try not to view it that way.
I can understand why you feel bad about it, it is something that he wants and can't get. If my SO had problems with doing oral, i would NOT leave her because i can't make her do something she doesnt want to. Yes, i would bring it up sometimes too, but i would accept that it is the way that she is.
I sugguest something like getting him a couple coupons for it when it is his birthday/christmas or something. Limit the times he can use it though, like "you can only use one coupon per month".
If that doesn't work, another solution is don't accept oral if you won't give him oral . Unless your SO enjoys going down on you, it isn't fair. This might not be the best of solutions as he might get upset about it.
Lastly, try to think about the situation reversed. If he refused to go down on you, and you always went down on him. Wouldn't you want your SO to do the same for you sometimes?
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (29 April 2012):
 "he even wants to marry me soon"
"I'm so worried that he's going to leave me"
I may not have a degree in linguistics, but I'm pretty sure if someone says they want to marry you that means they don't want to break up.
Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy who is being totally understanding and not pressuring you at all. I'm not sure where you feel the pressure to do this if you hate it, but I'm pretty sure it's not from your boyfriend. Stop looking around online for how other men feel about this as there are some real jerks out there who seem extra vocal online about these issues and don't represent all men or your boyfriend. Certainly don't take your cues from movies or TV where you have certain actors being terrible sexists about this because again, they don't represent all men or your boyfriend. Your boyfriend sounds very understanding, so I don't see the problem. Stop putting the pressure on yourself. You don't like it, your boyfriend is OK with it, just relax and enjoy other parts of sex. Oral sex is not a requirement.
...............................
|
