A
female
age
36-40,
*orka
writes:Sorry the Q is a bit long but I need to give you all the details, I really need your help!!! My boyfriend and I have an almost perfect sex life. Last night we came back very drunk from the club and started playing around for fun in order to have sex. We would switch positions, I would go back to oral on him and so on. It was taking him long to ejaculate (this never happens, only when drunk). So, at a certain point I was giving him oral sex and he asks: do you mind if we put some Porn? I flipped out and I was very very hurt. This had never happened before. He then apologized, he said it was a joke and he also said that because I had talked to him about porn before and I was ok about it, he felt comfortable to ask. I still feel very hurt, as if I didn't do my job well, I mean it's been 5 months of unbelievable sex and then this! So who is the crazy one me or him? Is this a normal thing? Or should I worry hat I'm not turning him on like before?
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 September 2014):
 Ihave a difficult time try to understand why him watch porn while you give him oral sex would alarm you. It sounds to me like it would be an extra turn on for both of you to watch while giving oral.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014): All these people who are making out you should feel bad and have sympathy for him really surprise me . It's not as if porn is a mans god given right and that us women should be used as the flesh and blood sex toys whilst he visually enjoys other women to get off Serioulsly? Has it gotten soooo bad that women are now not even allowed to expect a mans exclusive attention whilst in the act of sex?Wow , perhaps he should have hired a prostitute to perform oral sex whilst he watched the porn. I mean, he obviously wasn't car ongoing much for the fact it was a act between TWO people who love one anotherYes OP you have every right to be extremely upset IMO
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014): Yes you should be hurt, porn should not be in a relationship in any way shape or form (just my opinion)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 September 2014):
 He was very drunk, which disrupts and delays orgasm. He misinterpreted your statements about being okay with porn as it being a tool during partner sex. He wanted to use it in the same way you might use a vibrator to add extra stimulation. It wasn't about you being "enough" for him.
Sex is best left for either sober people or those who drink very lightly (1-2 drinks max) because drunk sex can dampen sexual response and performance. If anything, he would be the humiliated one because his biology failed him due to the drink.
I think that this could be a learning moment between you two. You shouldn't be hurt...I know it was jarring during sex, but it wasn't MEANT as a hurt. Part of the sexual adventure is the "hit and miss" aspect of it, and some things suggested on either side will make the other uncomfortable. There are couples who use porn as a mental vibrator during sex and aren't hurt in the slightest by it, while some guys get insecure or feel threatened by the use of sex toys. It's all about getting to know each other. Once hurt feelings and the stifling of honest communication happens is when a sexually adventurous relationship can become stunted or dysfunctional.
I wouldn't want porn during oral...it wouldn't make me hurt for him to suggest it, but I wouldn't want there to become a dependence on it for any stimulation. I also want him to be stimulated by knowing that I was giving him the oral, otherwise I'm no more important than a fleshlight.
And, maybe if people are sloppy drunk, postponing sex is the best option because alcohol puts Little Willie to sleep!
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (1 September 2014):
 I feel terrible for your poor boyfriend. He was having a hard time finishing and so he suggested porn which he thought you were okay with because you had said so. Then he gets reamed for it. As chi girl said, he will have a hard time opening up to you now. He won't be as comfortable as before. You need to apologize for flipping on him. I understand you were upset but it isn't his fault in my opinion. Watching porn while having sex isn't unheard of and if you came across as being okay with it then this was perfectly acceptable of him to request. And remember he did ask if it was fine, he didn't just pull something up and expect you to service him.
This doesn't negate 5 months of great sex or mean anything at all. Even if he wasn't drunk it doesn't mean anything, some couples watch porn together. This doesn't mean you are bad at what you do. But now you know this isn't for you. I'd apologize for getting so upset and reassure him that he can talk to you about anything. Then let him know watching porn together isn't your thing, it makes you feel you aren't doing enough for him, but you have no problem with it on his own. There's nothing wrong with your opinion on it either, just the way you handled the situation was unfair for him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous12345678910  +, writes (1 September 2014):
I wouldn't worry about that-you've told him you're ok with it and he was taking too long to pop so he just wanted to spice things up even more-after a while he was probably starting to sober up and get a headache from all the alchohol and not as in the mood as usual but too in the mood to stop so just needed some extra stimulation.I know how you feel though-my boyfriend sometimes puts the playboy channel on when you're having sex and it pisses me off.I think we're just being over sensitive though lol men are used to women being sensitive though so I wouldn't worry about your reaction,just try not to freak out next time he does that
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 September 2014):
 Yea, for him to want to watch porn while you "service" him would be total moodkiller for me, my guess is he knows that watching porn makes him "pop" faster. He wasn't thinking of how it might make you feel. He was thinking with his.... penis.
And honestly, if you tell a guy that you are SO totally OK with porn, how is what he did so offensive? YOU presume that he wanted to put it on because YOU weren't doing a "good enough" job, but maybe he wanted YOU (as well as himself) to make things move along or be more "sexy". He was drunk after all, not exactly thinking straight.
And like WiseOwlE said, BE honest, and tell him porn makes you insecure. If you don't mind him watching porn (when you are not there) but you do mind when you ARE there, explain that. You can't have it both ways. Saying you are OK with it, but not really being OK with it. That is sending mixed signals.
Some people think it's hot to watch porn while having sex, some don't. Now you know... that YOU don't. The more you know.
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A
female
reader, Jorka +, writes (1 September 2014):
Jorka is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your responses. They made me laugh so much! You guys are so right: insecurities kill relationships, should try knew things, don't be selfish ... :) thank you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014): You said it takes him a while to ejaculate when he's drunk. It was you who set the "timer," for reaching climax.
It's also you comparing one night to over five consistent months of "almost perfect sex." He wasn't performing up to your standard of perfection by taking a long time to reach climax.
He must have noticed he wasn't reaching climax fast enough to make you feel...secure about yourself! Your mind was apparently not on fun, but evaluating his performance.
Then out of your insecurity, you pick one particular night to erase all the past. If you were behaving like you were disappointed; because he can't perform consistently like a sex machine, he felt some added spice would be helpful. Porn apparently wasn't alright with you, you just told him what he wanted to hear. Sounds like you set him up, to see what he'd do. Then changed your mind.
So whose the crazy one? BOTH!!!
HIM for trusting you at your word, and YOU for being jealous of something that isn't even real; and no comparison to what is.
Insecurity kills relationships. Men are not machines. We're human just like women. Porn will never replace real women.
When you have something good, and make a big deal out of one incident that you think he's not "perfect?" The question should be, are you being fair? He didn't hide behind your back; he wanted your full participation in the fun.
Now go tell the "truth" that porn makes you feel insecure.
Telling people what they want to hear is technically lying.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (1 September 2014):
I'd let him choose one or the other from now on, however, in his defense, since he was having a difficult time gettin off maybe he thought that some added stimulation would help. Put yourself in his place and think would I have a fantasy while he's going down on me and I was having a hard time getting off?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014): I would be pissed off too if that happened to me.
Completely kills the moment and the intimacy.
Having said that I would let it go simply because it was the only time it's happened and hopefully the last. Let him know that you don't want to involve porn actors in your love making and leave it at that.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 September 2014):
 Didnt you just say yourself that he has a hard time ejaculating when drunk??? Why do you think its all about you? He has a hard time reaching orgasm, which btw can be quite difficult to deal with, for both men and women. He asked to watch porn because it might help him
get there. So he admitted to needing the extra stimulation which, mind you, he probably views as HIM not being good enough. And what do you do, you shame him for it and make it all about yourself. How nice. Do you think he will be comfortable sharing things with you now?? You need to stop thinking its all about you, this was about him and you didnt listen or respect him or show him any consideration. Next time, please be considerate and not just think about yourself. This wasnt about you at all.
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