A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I need some help to figure out how I feel about my bf...what confuses me is that when I'm with him, I feel so happy, excited, content and we talk about our future dreams of living together and I feel great! But, when we're not with each other, I don't really miss him all that much...For background, he's a great guy, kind, friendly, caring, funny, gorgeous. We've been together 8 months, don't live together (although he says he'd like us to), and see each other about 3 times per week. Things have been great since day 1, but 3 months ago, I think things changed for me in terms of how I feel about him because he asked me to pick up his mobile phone when it went off at 2am, and there were 'sexts' (sex-texts) between him and another girl, with him saying he wanted her to make him 'hard' while he was in the cinema (we'd gone to the cinema on a date!!). I was really hurt and ready to leave him, but he kinda talked me around, and things got better. Then, a month later, after he had a drunken night out, I found him in bed with 2 other women (although he says nothing happened). They were female friends of his (who I don't really know) and two guys were sleeping on the floor in the same room. Both my bf and everyone else who was in the room have since told me it was all innocent, that he was drunk and passed out in the bed. I was upset, and he realised how bad it looked to me, apologised and said he never wants to upset me again. It's like that shook my whole view of him, like he'd been on a pedestal up to that point. We talked it out at the time, and he knows he hurt me and tells me he never wants to put our relationship in jeopardy in that way again. I feel I can trust him again, and everything else in our relationship remains great, but I wonder if the whole episode has changed my feelings for him at a deeper level?So I'm left wondering exactly how I feel about him. He's talking about us moving in together in the next year, but part of me thinks I wouldn't want to give up my own place in case he breaks my trust again. And part of me doubts what he says when he talks about our future...I think to myself that he is sweet-talking me for some reason, although why he would do that for 8 months, I can't fathom. So, is it normal not to miss someone when you're not with them if you really do love them?Can anyone interpret my feelings, 'cos I'm confused! Thanks :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2011): "So, is it normal not to miss someone when you're not with them if you really do love them?"
In your circumstances yeah that's normal. OP this guy keeps betraying you, why would you miss that when he's not around?
He has a way of charming your knickers off when he sees you in person but when he's not around he doesn't have that effect on you because your brain doesn't completely trust him. Even if you think you do, your subconscious doesn't agree.
"And part of me doubts what he says when he talks about our future...I think to myself that he is sweet-talking me for some reason, although why he would do that for 8 months, I can't fathom."
That's your gut talking OP and it's right. 8 months? Why not? Where else is he going to find a girl who will let him mess her about the way you have in the past? Sexting is cheating, so he cheated on you and then ended up in bed with other girls while drunk.
You see OP he is sweet talking you because his actions don't match his words. He apologizes for the sexting then ends up in bed with other women, if that's what he does while drunk then you're in serious trouble.
You don't miss him when you're apart because you can think clearly, you can see what he's doing and your gut is telling you something is up with this guy. He just keeps screwing you over OP. In person you ignore that because everything is so sweet, passionate and it feels "right" but take away all that and your brain really doesn't trust this guy at all.
Trust your gut OP and remain cautious. By all means stick around if you want to but he has a hell of a lot of work to do to ease your mind and get to the point where you truly can trust him.
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