A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:The ex and I broke up after 8.5 years together two days ago. The immediate cause: his attraction for his coworker over the last 2 years, which in the last half year or so, has developed into romantic feelings (my gut feeling is that he's in love with her but he denies it, so dunno). The ultimate cause: unhappiness (arguing, unfulfilling sex) for the last 3-4 years ... So yesterday, he said that he didn't want me to leave his life, as I don't want to stay friends with him after I move out. He said that he realized that he still loved me (how can he still love me if he has feelings for another?). He also said that I never loved him the way he wanted/loved me, and he said that I was never really sexually attracted to him, and was cold and unaffectionate (I do admit that I'm not an affectionate person - I WAS sexually attracted to him though, but the spark died and in hindsight, neither of us had the experience or really knew how to get it back ...). He said that he tried so many things over the years to get me to love him romantically but he was never able to do it and he's now exhausted. Dunno .. I felt like I loved/wanted him .. maybe not to the same extent ? Anyway, I point out that he can't have ever loved me too much if he developed feelings for another. He said that if I had given him what he wanted (recpricoated his love, put in 100% effort into the relationship), he would have never developed feelings for the other girl (can this really be true? I always assumed that the other girl was just better/more attractive than me and his feelings for her were inevitable). I asked him if he still wanted to "work" on the relationship, and he said that he always held hope that I would love him enough to change (e.g. treat him better/be more friendly, not argue as much ....). To which I point out that he's wanted this other girl for 2 years and would have left me for her, what was the point? I don't want to be the type of girl who's desperate for her lover to want her again ... Anyway, What does he want? I don't get it... he said that he wants me to love him romantically and put in 100% effort into the relationship (I admit that I never put in as much effort as he did .. I kind of thought that relationships just magically work themselves out if they're meant to be). But why does he care about me if he has feelings for someone else? Does he just want me to be on the side as a backup while he pines away for another person? He says that his feelings for her would go away if I returned his feelings (is that even possible? it's not like you can magically switch off your feelings ...). Is he just being emotionally manipulative? What do you think? I feel raelly mixed ... one part of me feels bad that I never put in my full effort and will really miss him ... but I also feel that he's an asshole and hate him for liking someone else. And more generally (because I feel like I don't know anything about relationships despite having been in one), is it normal for people in long-term relationships to develop romantic feelings for others? And if that happens, do you try to work on what you have, or is it a sign that the relationship is dead/done for?
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broke up, co-worker, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (31 July 2012):
 Dear Antarctica Anonymous,
You sure did pile the questions in there. I'm sorry to say that I won't be answering them all. You are suffering under some misconceptions. Yes there is much you don't know about relationships. But, based on your age this was a first for you., so your level of knowledge is expected.
The first thing you need to know is that when a person is in an affair (cheating) either emotionally or physically or both, they don't see the world accurately, they frequently modify their memories to justify their actions or desires. To put it bluntly, don't believe him when he says you were not there for him or that you were cold. Those are likely false memories, that make him feel better about himself.
Another thing, he is probably sincere about wanting you back. It is also likely that he will wander again. Generally the shock of getting caught brings a wayward partner out of the fog for a bit, but remember he still has a bad habit.
Last some advice for a year or so from now. Relationships don't just magically work out. Work, communication, trust and work, that's what makes magical relationships. Right now you need to mourn your loss.
FA
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