A
female
age
30-35,
*iddenHeart
writes:So I've had a pretty rough past two weeks here. My boyfriend of two years (lived with for a bit over a year) just broke up with me after a big incident. We'd decided we decided to move in too soon, and we figured a break would be ideal. We still love each other dearly. However, he's slipped into this "I'm not sure what will happen, but I would like things to work," stance.The thing that makes me uneasy is his friend started having him hang out with this girl we'd met at some parties. He's confessed to me he's had a "crush" on this girl for a while, she's nice and whatnots. I was pretty upset, because I don't think that when you love someone you should be crushing on another person, but he said it's completely normal? Most of the people I've asked are female and think it's not. Is it just a guy thing? He said he would have never acted on it while we were together since that's just wrong.I'm relatively worried about it all now, since he's been spending more time with her since we broke up. He said he doesn't want to date anyone for a long time, and that he doesn't even know if he would want to date her. I asked if she liked him, and he said he had no clue. He said she doesn't know he likes her, either, and that he doesn't like-like her enough to even tell her. I think he's just rebounding now, and I know him well enough to know he just wouldn't enjoy being with this girl long-term. (Even mutual friends of ours are saying she's just not his type.) It worries me, because there's still feelings between us and we'd like things to work, but if he goes and dates this girl I couldn't get back with him depending on how far it goes. I have to move back to California on Saturday (I moved here to Colorado to be with him) and I'm worried about what will happen. I'm hoping that she'll just not have any mutual feelings for him or that she'll be to shallow, since he's not that horribly attractive, while she is. (I'm attracted to him because I love him, but most girls are really turned off by his acne scars and silly bushy caterpillar eyebrows.) He still swears he loves me, and always will. I want to think that if he were to date anyone else he'd sort of wake up, if my absence doesn't do so. It just seems like we're being torn apart due to the unfortunate circumstances in our lives whether we like it or not, but that it doesn't have to be done forever.So, is it normal for guys to have crushes on other women even in a dedicated long-term relationship?Should I worry about this, or just shrug it off? Should I just get over him, or hold on hope while expecting the worst? Are "breaks" always an end, or can they be good? I know it's a lot of questions, but my head is spinning with all that's going on lately. Thanks.
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female
reader, HiddenHeart +, writes (19 May 2011):
HiddenHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you everyone for your answers. It's helping out a lot.He told me this morning that she's not even interested in a relationship, apparently. (He didn't ask her, it just came up in conversation.) She's focusing on school and work, and is saving up for a trip to Europe. I'm hoping this dissuades him from pursuing her while I'm away, and gives him time to clear his head and think about us a bit. I also realized that this girl and I look very similar, could this be why he became attracted to her?
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 No its not normal. I can talk to other guys of course and get along well with them, but having a crush...no. Iv never thought of any other guy romantically ever since Iv been in a relationship with my boyfriend and I really dont see how people can have crushes on others' while in a relationship. But then I guess, to each his own
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): "So, is it normal for guys to have crushes on other women even in a dedicated long-term relationship?"
No, to me it's not. OP anyone who uses "it's a guy thing" as an excuse for anything except pissing standing up, is full of shit.
Being attracted to someone else is normal, even liking/fancying someone else is normal, in the respect that you have a good connection with that person and you know you may consider dating that person if you weren't single.
But crushing on someone else is not. Because a crush is far more serious than just liking someone, a crush is too close to love to be comfortable.
To the posters that said it is normal, such as the anon who said he has a crush on the red haired girl, does it hurt that you can't be with that red haired girl? Do you think about her lot, is the idea of her being with someone else to hard for you to bear? Because that's a crush dude. That's why it's called a crush, because it hurts not being able to have them you're "crushed" by your feelings for her.
If that is the case then that's not normal, that makes her a threat to your relationship because your feelings are too strong. But if on the other hand you only fancy her, that's fine. But a crush is when you can't get someone out of your head, when they're all you can think about and you feel so strongly for them that not being with them hurts. That's a crush and while that may be normal for some, it's not a good thing.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 May 2011):
 I always say "I'm married not dead"yes it's possible to like/crush on someone else while in love with your partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): I would like to answer your question. For me the answer is a resounding 'yes.' And for women and men too. I look at other guys when I am in love or not; we are not robots!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): The fact of the matter is that one cannot help who they are physically attracted to. With physical attraction often follows a 'crush.' Simply having a 'crush' should not be taken as an insult. Often times people have crushes, but they do not act on them. I am currently engaged, but I have a crush on a beautiful woman (a red head, by the way) who works at the circulation desk in a library I use. Of course, I have no intention of getting to know her and I do not discuss this with my significant other.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (19 May 2011):
 first off, i would suggest figuring out the actual status of your relationship. you say you two would like to work things out, but it seems as though you both haven't come to a conclusion as to where you stand. that would be the first thing i would suggest.after that, depending on the answer, i would go from there. if you two decide to go your seperate ways, then it no longer becomes your problem. although i know it's never pleasant wondering what your ex is doing. and if you two decide to try and work things out and stay together, then he needs to cut this woman out of his life completely. do i think it's relatively normal for men and women to have small crushes on other people while in a committed relationship? sure. to some extent. but what really matters is how we choose to handle these situations. i know personally, if i began to develop feelings for someone while with someone, i would completely cut all ties to that person and not even entertain the idea of them in any capacity. it's easier when we don't have temptations in our lives. not only that, but it's unfair to the person you're with to have to share you with someone else.so to answer your ultimate question, is it normal to have a crush on someone else? i wouldn't say it's normal, but it does happen. and this more than likely won't be the only time this situation arises. but it's how we handle them that shows our character. tell him to either get rid of this girl from his life or you're gone. best of luck.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 Yeah it's normal for guys. As long as he doesn't act on it it's fine. Some Guys aren't made to be monogamous.
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