A
female
age
36-40,
*onnie25
writes:Im in a relationship with a guy I have known for a long time and we now have a baby together. I really love him and want to be his wife one day, but I always think hes cheating if hes not with me I think hes cheating of flirting I hate for him to be on myspace or facebook or any social network but he dosnt want me on any sites either. But he sneaks and has a facebook page I used my cousin's log on to see what hes been upto and he hasnt been doing anything but it makes me furious to know that he told me not to have one and he has one behind my back. I dont want his to speak to any ex"s or anything but he do anyway but he dosnt want me to do it. Im so comfused, I don't know if its my own insecurities or if hes really in the wrong. Please...... please give me some advice about this.Thank you in advance
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 December 2010):
 It seems that your concerns about your relationship and the perceived actions and motivations of your partner and what you see as your insecurities are impacting on several areas of your relationship with this guy.
If a partner (A) has not in any way betrayed their partner's(B) trust and is completely committed to B and has behaved always in a respectful way, (in A's heart and in A's estimation), then accusing A in any way of the opposite will seriously and negatively impact on the relationship and A's trust in B.
Similarly Neither A nor B should contact one of a partner's ex's about one's existing partner and existing relationship. To attempt to make this contact or even threaten to make this contact is a serious breach of trust with a person's partner. I do NOT think you would ever do these things.
Your feelings, and the level of Trust, respect, communication you sense in a relationship are very important. Any fighting, where it is not fair, but is instead 'dirty' fighting with your partner that always hurts a relationship.
Our mind, our eyes, ears, even our sense of smell and our feelings at the time something occured are all filed away somewhere in our brains. In fact we often pick up all manner of non verbal clues which go into our brains faster than we can analyse all these clues at the time. But they still nestle in our brain.
But we also have past history. And sometimes we erroneously start to think one situation is exactly the same as a previous situation. When it is not. These previous issues from the past can wreck a current relationship. (so an ex purchased & wore a red shirt the day he acrimoniously broke up with you. That day is one you will remember for all time. Your current guy purchases and wears red shirt the day after you argued, he walks in, wearing that red shirt (and he knows about your ex) but he has no intention of breaking up, but you might have a sense of dread because of red shirt = irrational.) And you think the 'red shirt' might be an attempt to hurt you, when it is not. He just grabbed the red shirt without thinking when he bought it.
But a 'red shirt' can push our buttons.
People we love know our 'buttons' to press - positive and negative -
And it is lovely when they press our positive buttons as it shows they care and know us well and are listening to us. But it is a betrayal of trust when they raise something they only know because we told them in confidence, and then they press that negative button. Inflaming an already negative situation. Doing so makes us trust them less.
This is 'dirty fighting' if they use negatives they would not know, if we had not told them when we trusted them.
Or they say or do something hurtful in an unguarded moment. This is 'dirty' fighting. Their action chips away the trust we have in them.
Or one or both parties discuss or promise marriage will occur, but then one party doesn't want to discuss it again. Or continually stalls, or puts up objections and excuses to delay. Time drags on. One or both partners are disappointed by the tension over the issue and over time this issue can hurt trust, over the failure to honor the original promise.
So trust needs to be rebuilt in such a relationship, if it is to survive long term. And good communication, done in a non judgemental way.
In the short term, if he is made aware of your feelings and the need to rebuild trust then he can take some actions to help show support and love for you. When things settle down and the trust has been rebuilt you should be able to laugh about how you worried so much.
But if a partner were to cast scorn on our concerns or became accusatory and defensive that would only make the situation worse. This is dirty fighting.
We might have what we feel are irrational thoughts, fears and insecurities that have been ticking over in our minds, yet it is all those things that impact on a current situation. What we surmise, and it seems irrational, does sometimes have a basis in something we have seen, heard, felt experienced unconsciously previously.
So your insecurities need addressing.
By better open communication with your partner and a rebuilding of trust.
And he needs to respect your 'deal breakers.' Any person can live and manage their life without Facebook. Especially if they are in a committed loving relationship. After all if there is something you need to tell your partner, you can tell him to his face.
Ditto re mobile phones. Sometimes one phone is being recharged, so is there any problem if the other partner says, here, take my phone? I'll use yours once it is recharged. Why would that matter? As a couple you can always add his contacts to your phone and vice a versa to his phone. In a committed loving relationship such a swap is not unkown. But if one partner has something to hide then such a suggestion would cause consternation, due to secret texts or sexting. Trust would thus be compromised.
Same with the Internet. Put it in the main living room where all can see what is being looked at. In a committed loving relationship this is often the norm, But again trust would be compromised if one partner objected strongly to this suggestion. Why? Is then asked. Trust is compromised.
Perhaps work through one issue at a time. Tell him how important he is to you. Tell him your hopes and dreams, tell him how you feel when he does something.
If you have to raise an issue of concern only deal calmly with that one issue, not several at the same time. eg:
''when you forget to tell me you will be late and don't phone to advise you will be late and you don't come home at the time you said you would, I FEEL concerned and worried that you may have had an accident and that makes my chest feel tight and I get a dry mouth as a result because I care about you.''
This way you are only detailing the behavior that upsets you and how it makes you feel. It is assertive. It is not aggressive and it is not a 'dirty' way to express a grievance.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): It's natural to have insecurities, even more so if you realise the person you love has been doing secretive things. Unfortunately the only reason you think he is possibly in the wrong is that you are feeling insecure at the moment when you dont have any evidence to say that he is actually cheating on you. The only reason you feel insecure is that you love him don't want to lose him and he obviously feels the same by not letting you have facebook; trying to keep your life focused on him.
I think you should get your own account on a social networking site despite what he thinks and give yourself a bit of freedom :) If he has a problem with it just reveal that you know about his account and talk about what's been bothering you and work through them together :)
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