A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure whether to stay with my boyfriend or not. We had a bad argument last night. He said something that upset me. He told me that a man and woman that he knew had sex with each other infront of him ( i'm not sure why he was in the room at the time. This was a long time ago, by the way. ), and they asked him if he wanted to join them , but he refused. However, he told me that he had thought about doing it. It upset me when he told me he had thought about it, even though he didn't do it.He has s aid that he has always been faithful to all his girlfriends, and his ex wife, but i was upset that he thought about encouraging another couple to be unfaithful to each other. Well, i'm assumming they were a couple. I think he was single at the time. I have never done that either, and i have never even thought about it. I went in another room as i was upset and wanted to calm down. After a few minutes, he came in and turned the light off, and i could tell he was angry. We both went downstairs and then he started shouting and kept punching himself in the face. I got scared and started screaming at him to stop punching himself. I opened the front door , and he shoved me out and shouted at me to go home and shut the door. A neighbour, who lives across the road, saw me being shoved out, and asked me if i wanted to go into his house, so i did. I have met the neighbour a couple of times. It's embarrassing, but he rang the police once before, a few months ago, as me and my boyfriend were arguing then ,and i was screaming then . I don't like screaming, as i don't like disturbing the neighbours either, but i can't help doing that when i am scared. The neighbour asked what had happened, but i only told him about it briefly. I called a taxi. When i was waiting for the taxi, i went back over to my boyfriend's house ( i know i shouldn't have ), and he wouldn't answer the door, and shouted at me to f*** off. I left in the taxi soon after.He sent me a couple of text messages today.One said that he had a fracture, and that he had to get some painkillers, but he didn't feel it last night when he punched himself, and said that if i loved him, i would go round to his asap. The other said that we should stay together forever. He sent some more messages later on, from a social networking site saying that he shouldn't have to apologise for what he did,and that he loves me, that he will see me again when i decide to see him, told me to take care of myself in the mean time until we see each other, and todl me to get intouch and tell him that i am ok. I sent a reply saying that it scared me when he punched himself, and that he shouldn't have done that, and said that i love him and i will go and see him soon. I didn't want to talk about it too much in a message. I would rather talk in person.I'm not sure if we should still be together or not, and i'm not sure if we should both get counselling, or if we should have a temporary break from each other, or if we should break up for good. He is 20 years older than me, by the way. Usually , i don't mind about the age gap, and we do get on well most of the time, but i guess i find it hard hearing about his past sometimes.I lost my virginity to him, so obviously, i don't have a past like he does. I love him so much. I'm not sure whether to go round there tonight, or leave it for a day or two or something. He won't get my message until Monday at the earliest now though, so that would mean i would have to go round without arranging it, if i go before Monday. He doesn't have the internet at home.He has a mental illness too, by the way, and he was drunk last night. I feel that it makes him worse when he has had a lot to drink. Is it my fault that he punched himself though ?. I can't help blaming myself. He might be upset if i don't go round and see him soon , and he might think i'm not bothered about him being physically hurt.
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drunk, ex-wife, his ex, lost my virginity, neighbour, text, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): Thanks for your replies everyone. I'm finding it difficult to leave him. I think either we should both get professional help, if we do decide to stay together ( he needs it for his mental health problem, and i think i need it because of my retrograde jealousy. Maybe we both need it for other reasons too ), or we should break up . I kind of hope we can be friends though if we break up. I just can't imagine not having him in my life at all. My family are very concerned, because of what happened last night. I'm not sure if i should have told them about what happened, but i did.
I feel like going round to see him tomorrow, but i don't want to stay there too long, as i still need to think things through. He lives quite close to where i live. I'm very worried and upset about him having a fracture, and he might think that i don't care about that , if i don't go round to see him. I'm surprised that he wants to be with me though, after what happened. I dont know if he will have changed his mind about being with me now though, as i didn't go round to see him today.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2012): THANK YOU HONEYPIE! She said it best. I think its extremely unhealthy, WHO seriously hits themselves? Thats insane and emotional black mail? It worries me since he IS so much older than you; he should know better. Him being mentally ill, just adds to it, esp if not medicated. Its not a great situation. If you want stay, get couples counsellin and him evaluated. But be very careful, shoving eachother in a heated row thats one thing and realistically, that happens.(not saying its right and that there shouldnt be consequences) Abuse and angermanagement issues are above that; but hitting yourself and going so far as to break bones? Thats another issue entirely, so again becareful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2012): It is not your fault. You did nothing wrong but didn't care for what he was telling you, that is understandable.
He punches himself in the face & shoves you out the door. Leave this man, he needs professional help.
For you to go back, you're sending the message that this behavior is something you are willing to tolerate.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 November 2012):
 I think you both overreacted.
I don't honestly think there is a DUDE out there who hasn't thought a 3-some might be fun to do, but on your BF's case he didn't like the moral implications so he didn't do it. I don't see how you can think it's HIS fault they offered him to join in. So you were upset over something he DIDN'T do but that he was TEMPTED to do. Not really fair is it?
I think you should look up posts about Retrograde jealousy. It is understandable to not want to hear about a partner's past but you HAVE to accept that you can not change his past, you can't wipe it away. What you CAN do in the future is tell the guy up front that you don't want details from his past relationship, nor will you share your own. However, it doesn't mean that stuff didn't happen BEFORE you met and dated a guy.
And why he was hitting himself? I have no idea.
I don't think this relationship is healthy AT ALL - and I really don't like the fact that he is emotionally blackmailing you. He is BLAMING all this on you. Which I think is pretty unfair. Maybe you started the argument with your attitude or opinion but HE HIT himself, HE threw a fit.
I think you need to end this and REALLY look at the relationship as a whole - look at it and see it for what it is.
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