A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've always been a woman that holds myself with dignity and believe that I have a lot to offer a man in a relationship. I am in no way saying this to brag or boast myself but my personality has always shined and others have told me so as well. I went on a date with a guy a few months back and I felt the first and second date went great. (We didn't have sex on the first two dates). I was positive, fun, kind and funny, pleasant and went home knowing he would call me again, which he did. Long story short, he ended up just wanting to have sex with me, and we continued a sexual relationship after that. After snooping a bit through social media, I noticed that he had been seriously dating a girl before dating me and that she is now his GF.I keep wondering if the fact that he was interested in someone else before dating me had any effect on why he decided to keep me in the FWB category of it's because he felt I didn't have a good personality. I know he thinks I'm pretty, but although I know I have a good personality, I can't help but to question it based on his decision to put me as someone not worth getting to know--the idea hurts me--that he saw her as someone worth cherishing and that he feels I have nothing to cherish and love. I'm so hurt. A dating coach once said that if a guy puts you in FWB it means he doesn't like your personality and I'm so shocked cause everyone has told me they love my personality. Again, not trying to boast, just giving info to better assist in people that want to give advice to this question. Is this my fault I got put into the FWB category??? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 January 2017):
Either your dating coach is wrong or your misquoting them. It shouldn't be a blanket statement because a guy could want you only as a FWB for dozens of reasons. You seem to be sensitive about people liking you so maybe you held on to that one.
I'm sure you're plenty likable but as someone else said, not everybody likes the same thing. Maybe he prefers people that are exceptionally funny, or intelligent, or serious, or goth, or artistic, or Street smart, or dance well, or have a particular kink in bed, or any number of other things.
You didn't do anything wrong except for questioning your value because the guy didn't want a serious relationship with you.
It wasn't a competition and you didn't lose. Find a guy who is looking for what you have to offer.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2017): OP, there is NOTHING wrong with you.
You just had the misfortune of hooking up with an asshole.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2017): Hi BrownWolf,Yes, if you are a drug dealer and offering another person drugs, it is YOUR fault. You are partly to blame.You should not have offered that person drugs to begin with because drugs are not good for them. But likely you already know that and are offering them anyway because you are trying to get something out of them. You are wanting to feed their addiction for YOU by being the supplier of the drugs, so they get hooked and keep coming back to you for MORE. More drugs which in this case equals sex. If nobody told you sex was a drug, then I am here to tell you that it IS. Clever men know that the way to rope a woman is to engage in sex. Because women have this misguided notion that if they have sex with a man, then he will eventually grow to LOVE them and WANT to be in a relationship with them. And this is a deadly mistake.Men who are suppliers of the drugs know which people to sell the drugs to. So, they are conniving and manipulative. So, yeah, there are absolutely to blame for feeding on and profiting from the drug addict's ultimate WEAKNESS!
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 January 2017):
Honeypie is right.
Fact...If you agree, then whose fault is it? If I offer you drugs and you agree to take them, and you become a drug addict...is it my fault?
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (20 January 2017):
 Honeypie is spot on.
From a guys perspective if I offered a woman a Fwb and she accepted that's as far as it would go for me.
If you accept an arrangement based only on sex I think it really lowers your worth as you're saying: 'Yes I will happily have sex with you with no commitment' which for me personally would mean you're not relationship material.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 January 2017):
 Honeypie is right about the pitfalls of FWBs. Many women don't get the rules and there are rules. There is a heap of difference between having no strings sex and being used for sex. Whether there is a double standard in play here or not, some men having no problem having an easy lay (a great personality is an added bonus) and then going to see the woman with whom he wants to have an "official" relationship. This is hardly a new development, it's centuries old.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 January 2017):
 I don't agree with your Dating coach. I don't think it's your personality he didn't like. I think it was because YOU were willing to "settle" for an FWB. You were willing to have sex without knowing him all that well and without being a "couple". The ridiculous double standard pops up when it comes to sex. If women want/like/enjoy casual sex they are "not" relationship material in some guy's eyes... YET, the same guys are willing to be causal with any girl who says yes....
If someone tells you I DON'T want a relationship, just sex. It's entirely up to you if you want to do that or not.
If you are OK with just sex, then him starting to see another girl or even dating her is NOTHING to do with you. Unless SHE wasn't wanting sex unless they were IN a relationship. So he could see her and get his rocks off with you.
Now you ASK if it's YOUR "fault you ended up in the FBW category and I think it partly is. YOU accepted casual sex. If that was NOT what you wanted you shouldn't have agreed to it.
BUT he doesn't really sound like a winner if he is interested in ONE girl but is willing to bang another...
And like Auntie honesty said, not every guy is going to want to be serious with you. Not every guy is going to be a good match for you.
I'd remove him from my life and move on.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (20 January 2017):
 I guess that maybe atm his gf isn't giving him much/ enough sex... Or he has a problem with monogamy...
You see it"s not a reflection on you- he's a cheating user. He doesn't seem to think a great deal of anyone- this gf he's cheating on isn't that cherished :/
You could be sitting there being great entertainment, but a guy who's got one thing on his mind isn't taking the time to know your quirks, positives and what makes you tick... They're thinking about how to get a lay.
I also agree with aunt honesty- not everyone clicks personality wise... Seems he's not got a lot of it himself.
I tell a lot of jokes, witticisms, excitable try and maintain interests, keep.informed about world when socialising.. Most people really enjoy being around me, but I went out with a guy who just couldn't stand me LOL.
I know what you mean I don't mean to be arrogant, but it's good for self esteem to be proud of your good points.
You may just be a star key trying to fit into a diamond keyhole.
Take care and at least you're not his poor gf :(
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 January 2017):
 If you hold yourself with dignity, it means that whatever men do in your life, you don't take it personally or find fault in yourself. Honestly, I think this reflects on him, rather than on you. He was two timing you. Who would be able to trust him if women knew that he's capable of being a lie and a cheat while being in a relationship? I don't think this has anything to do with personality. More like, she made him wait for sex until she can trust that they are officially in a relationship. Trying to keep up with the façade that he can be patient, he lied and found you on the side and to his favor, you thought 2 dates was enough. Not to say this to upset you, I myself am not the waiting kind either. There are people who did first date sex that led to long term relationships. There are also women who made men wait and still end up with FWB situations due to whatever reason men can't commit. So do not beat yourself up about this. I would feel sorry for the other girl who's kept in the dark about this as I am sure she does not know about you. See, she's doing the right thing, being the good girl, and look at what she ended up with.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 honestly not every guy you date is going to look at you as a life long partner. I don't say this to upset you. Yes many have said you have a great personality, that does not mean it is a one fits all. Different men like different things. Therefore really you shouldn't be annoyed that one guy choose another girl. Nobody is perfect and he obviously did not feel the spark with you. There is a lot of things involved in wanting to be in a relationship with someone, a lot more than personality so don't allow it to hurt you, just accept that you where not meant to be together.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 January 2017):
 You put yourself there by not establishing a proper relationship before sex.
That dating coach was wrong; a guy may or may not like his FWB's personality, but that's not likely to be why they are just FWBS, as the most common reason is just that FWBs is what the person wants and doesn't see you as more.
That said, not everyone will like your personality, so try not to get hung up on it.
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