A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have recently started seeing a women who is in her early 20's. We're very different, but she always has a way to make me smile. The problem is she does confuse me in the way she acts around me.For example she goes very hot and cold. We'll have a lovely evening, theres passion and fire etc..., then 2 days later she'll have a change of heart and worry that being with me isn't the best idea. We were friends for a while, but we got much closer when she started to confide in me with things that were going on in her life. I listened and tried to offer any advice when i could, this eventually led to us both realizing we liked each other as more than friends and here we are.This has been going on for over a month and since then she's had a "Change of Heart" twice, on both occasions we spoke how it wasn't the best idea to risk a strong friendship, especially as shes starting a full time job and a part time job, to pay off debts she ended up with after she did her training for work, plus I'm heading off to university in September. Although in my mind i always believed this as worth the risk mainly because even in my past relationship of 2 and a half years i never felt this way about someone.I do like her as more than a friend and it's odd because usually i think with my head and not my heart, so I'd never get myself in this sort of situation. It's just i can't seem to get her out of my mind, she is unbelievably attractive, most of my friends have massive crushes on her, but its more what she has to say and the way we talk that i think about when I'm not with her....I know bits and pieces of her past and it seems she was very different as in the not too distant past. For example taking drugs (something i would never do) as well as being depressed, this was a mix of unhappiness with her situation as well as the fact she was with someone who was strongly violent towards her. Its not my place to know about that, in my opinion, because its something she's tried to leave behind and if i want to have any chance of being in her future i guess it's always best to let someone have a piece of themselves they don't want known forgotten. Therefore i haven't really pushed to know anything more about the situation in her past.But I'd imagine that type of past has a massive effect on her views of relationships now and is the main reason why she is reluctant to say we're a together, so instead she says we're just friends, even though she's admitted to me I'm the only person she likes in a romantic way and visa-versa. Also she doesn't want other people to know about us seeing each other, except from a few of her better friends, this means in public shes very distant from me, sometimes it seems like we're not even friends. This contrasts how shes like with me when we're alone massively, as we always have the funniest and passionate times together.She says the reason shes off with me in public and she doesn't want people to know we're together, is down to her brother, i know him quite well, although i wouldn't class him as a friend nor would i class him as someone who i didn't get on with, but he has more than bit of an anger problem. So shes worried it'll irritate him and he'll end up either being aggressive towards me or ignoring her. Although him being aggressive towards me doesn't concern me, i don't want to be responsible for him being annoyed at her so I've not mention to even my closer friends who i am seeing.Is it worth pushing for something like a relationship if its possible she could never want to be officially in one with me or shes just is not in the right place to have one at the moment because of her past? Or is it just a case of giving her time? If so how much time is required before i attempt to stop believing i could have a relationship with her and realize it wont work? Or should i just leave it and try to escape before my heart gets hurt?Any opinions would be greatly appreciated, I'm usually very easily confused in relationships anyway, so I'm worried that all this is just simple and I'm just over complicating things.Thank You.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dreamlover  +, writes (15 May 2009):
 You remind me of me, clear logical thinker but when it comes to love we fall at the knees.This 'problem' you have is actually not ures, to be far its something that she needs to deal with, and all you can do is support her and be there for her, unfortunately there is no time frame on love, you however in my opinion need to be frank with her and let her know that you will be there for as long as possible but there will come a time when you will walk away from the relationship side.In all fairness, if she wants this to work she will make it work.My advice is to level with her and get down to the bare essentials of what you both feel, is it worth hiding or is your love stronger than that
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