A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 and a half years now...we have had our fair share of ups and downs and have split before for 3 months, but started to see each other again because he said that he really loved me and that he has really missed me. At the moment things are not good at all.i suspect he is cheating because the way he is acting and because its doing my head in the things that have been happening. I know i shouldnt and wants to stop, but things go on in my head and i end up accusing him without having any evidence. He has 2 jobs, he is a builder in the daytime and a barmen a couple of nights in the week and weekend. when he has work at this pub he gets home from his daytime job, he jumps in the shower and then leaves for work again.He has only been doing the bar work for 6 months of our relationship, to try saving for a car and has told me that he would never of been able to of saved if he was back living with his parents.Every time he has work at this pub, he begins to act funny and when he gets home he is even worst. he is very distant and i can see something is on his mind, ive asked him but he says nothing.One night when he came back from the bar job, we were having a heated discusion, when he turns around and says... "do you think your pretty".. then.. " do you fancy anyone"...then " have you kissed anybody"..saying these things with a smirk on his face...why would he say this to me? was he telling me in his own way that he has done these things himself or is he trying to wind me up?He has also come back from working at the bar with stains in his boxer shorts, but says its dribble stains.He is always calling me paranoid and that im fucked up, its as thou he is drumming it into my head to make me believe i am paranoid or am i? He has also told me that im ugly in an argemen,which really hurt me and has really damaged my self confidence.We have always had a healthy sex life, but the past 2 months, he hasnt come anywhere near me. The only time he ever has sex with me now, is when he goes to sleep and wakes in the middle of the night and then jumps on me, but never remembers the next day.We hardly argued when he was only doing the day job but the arguements are nearly everyday now and have got alot worst just recently and when i try to resolve them, he either laughs and then ignores me or he carries on watching tv or falls asleep.When we do sit down to talk he gets all frustrated and groals out load which puts me on edge.Ive really been trying to make things better in the relationship and have asked him to try also, but he hasnt. He tells me that he has and when i ask him what have you done in the sense of helping us... he replies " i answer your your question when you want to know something". Would you call that TRYING?There`s a girl that i know he likes that also works at the pub and when i have gone to the pub for a drink whilst he has been working, all the staff act strange towards me.He once said to me whilst he was really tired and half asleep " you make me laugh.. one minute were cuddling in the carpark and the next your like this" i havent ever cuddled him in the carpark and he says that he got all mumbled up.. what would you think?Another time he said " i cant believe you being like this over a little fling"..but says he meant thing..do you think im being stupid?I know i shouldnt accuse him, but he is showing obvious signs of cheating.I asked him last week , "why dont you sleep with me any more and when you do, you have to be asleep". He says that he is fed up with the arguements and that he just doesnt want to have sex with me and he`s just not interested in me. when i asked why.. He says ..he doesnt know why. Does this mean that he is not attracted to me anymore? or is he getting it from someone else?The arguements arent alway about me accusing him, but because he doesnt do anything around the house and just sits there watching tv and just that he never never trys to do nything off his own back and im left to keep asking him. He has made a few sly comments that i should go with another man.We moved into a new house and there is so much todo,like decorating and general household stuff, but he just lets me do it all. There is things i cant do and have asked him if he could do them, but ive been waiting for ages.He is never conciderate towards me and often forgets anything i say to him and never shows any interest in anything i do.Ive always been there when he needs me and have always shown my support for anything he has ever wanted to do. Ive helped him achieve some of his goals he has set himself, but when it comes to the things ive got to try and do, he`s never around and never asks about things.I have no support from anybody. He is very selfish and always thinks about himself. To him he is no 1 and that he`s better than anybody else. He often looks down on me and other people around.He is very secretive, espiecially when he is with his mates and his mates often act strange towards me too.Last week i found out that i am pregnant and he said straight away that he wanted me to abort it, as he doesnt want a baby just yet, but when i said i wanted to keep it, he went silent. Then it was basically swept under the carpet for a while.A few days went by and then out of the blue he suddenly expressed that he doesnt want to be with me anymore and wants to leave because of the accusing and the arguements and that he is feeling unhappy at the moment, but will wait for a couple of week to see if things could get any better and see if we could try and sort things out.Its always been a one sided relationship, where im alway the one giving, but he never give any thing back.I do his washing and gets everything ready for him, i also clean everything up after him(cleans the bath, picks his dirty cloths up, as he leaves them all over the floor) and its as if he expects me to to do this... and this makes me really mad.If i didnt then the house would be a slum and he would only do these things when he would need to use them again.I dont know what to do about the baby, i would like it, but i dont know if i should. He doesnt mention anything about it and i cant talk to him about it, as i know what he would say. I think to myself that i could end up getting rid of it and then he`ll leave straight after and then il end up having to deal with the abortion by myself and also dealing with losing him or just have to deal with just losing him and keep the baby. Its really hard to decide and time is running out.I know i can be nasty at times,my hormones usually get the better of me and i end up running my mouth and also if i see that somebody is just taking the piss out of me i will lose my rag. Im very highly strung and worry about things too much and i will admit that im not perfect and i can admit my wrongs. He cant, he tells his family stories about us, giving them a story that is always my fault. I try and put people straight ,but because im not always with him at the time, i cant put everyone straight. To me he is putting all the people he knows against me and damaging people view on me.He has always done this, but i cant understand why. Is it because he wants sympathy from people? or is it because he likes blaming others for everything?Ive noticed he wont admit to me that he is to blame for things that he has done wrong and often twists it to put the blame on me. There has been times when his friends have phoned him and asks if he wants to do something,instead of saying that he dont want to. He will tell them that i have decided what we are doing and that we are staying in tonight. To me he is trying to make his mates think that i am controlling and to put them against me. He is doing this alot and god knows what he is telling the other staff at the pub about me.I havent really got any close friends as some i lost when i moved away and the rest i lost contact with.So i havent anyone to talk to about whats going on and always has to deal with any problems i have on my own, he seems to thrive on this. If i say to him that i asked somebody there view on things...he gets all serious and asks WHO.Yesterday out of the blue he changed his password on facebook, which i found very suspicious. As we know each others for a while now and its never done any harm in the past. I asked him why he was doing this and he says that im always on his facebook and its incase i do something nasty.Is what i am seeing is happening true? is he cheating on me with this girl from work? or am i paranoid and thinking too much? Am i the one to blame?please help as i really dont know what to do and its driving me insane.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Karing Kris +, writes (11 May 2009):
 Well Blimey, what can i say apart from NO YOUR NOT TO BLAME! He sounds like a complete D**K!! No one deserves to be treated like that i bet you feel constantly paranoid which you should but not for any wrong reasons!
One bit of advice i will give you, you may be nothing like me, but i have had an abortion and i would not recommend it to any one it broke my heart and was very painful to deal with no matter how much you try and convince yourself its not even a little blob yet i felt like i stole someones soul from being born!
IF im completely honest your man sounds like a waste of your energy concentrate on yourself now and what would make your life happier! I'm sure he's not one of them! There is plenty of support out there for you im sure!
He is taking you for granted and you need to knock him off his high horse and make him realize this is real life and your a real person so he needs to have some bloody respect of he can go back to his parents now and let you get on with your life. good luck x x im sure you'll do whats best for you everything happens for a reason never forget that x x
A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (11 May 2009):
 Well I would have to guess that yes he is cheating on you. The behavior of everyone at the bar when you went in was a dead giveaway.
As stupid as this may sound, It usually is the truth. People that may be regulars at bars or pubs tend to develop a rapport with their bartenders, and even in the most casual of settings these regulars usually go about trying to know everyone's business at said establishment.
They acted strangely to yuo becuase they know from the interaction of your man and this woman that bartends that they are probably having sex.
Dont blame yourself. Cheaters are selfish liars who care nothing for anyone but themselves.
Best to get away from this guy if he is playing these types of games with semantics as well.
Go out and find someone who will respect you. No one deserves to be cheated on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): This may sound harsh,
Firstly read you post and place your best friend name wherever you see, I. What would you think, and what would you advise her to do.
Stop asking the question is this your fault, Even if it partially is and I honestly dont know, you have to figure out what you deserve and I reckon its better than this,
I wouldnt be trying to catch and keep anyone like this,
look into your heart and do what it tells you,
You will find love again and this guy is not it,
I realy hope this helps
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): Try and read the book "catch him and keep him" - which if you google should come up. From what I have read here, and having read the aforementioned book, it would appear that you are being a bit clingy and needy - I don't blame you really because things are not good by the sound of it. However, what you need to do is stand up for yourself a bit more - you might find then that your bf actually appreciates you. At the moment, you are letting him do what he wants without hauling his arse up over things which you are not happy about. So, you are not challenging enough (apparently men like a challenge and a women who keeps them on their toes). You need to tell him to shape up or ship out - be clear about your boundaries as well. It's a tough one because in my relationship, I am very giving and will pick clothes up etc. However, he will equally do his share in terms of cooking etc. So, I think this is a bit about the both of you. You need to lay down some rules (and stick to them) and stand up for yourself. If he crosses these rules/boundaries, then you need to be prepared to say goodbye to him. Good luck xx
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