A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi To all those who think I have a questions whether love hurts yes ...although I thought it does not recently rediscovered that it might actually HURT...as it is doing now.....Well coming to my episode...... I am a 26 yr old F born and bought up in a traditional family....I moved to Canada to finish my Masters and soon became an independent woman ...well atleast as far as Ive known myself! I dont know if ever what I did all through in my love life is what I should actually do....but atleast I gave my truthfullness to the relationship......First and foremost .... I met my Fiance / husband through my friend and all I did was talk on phone and talk online.....and being kind of skeptial at first considering that I was in a traditional setback where I never/rarely talked to guys which ofcourse changed when I came abroad to CANADA....I was just trying to being friends .....and initially sent a photo which was not me .......to HIM (my now fiance)...but later on when he revealed that he really loves me ...I told him that was not me and showed him my real photos....and in between we broke up bcos while I was in Canada and he was in Newzealand 3 yrs back....I mainly broke up as I came to know that he had a ex girlfriend which he did not tell me after knowing me for abt 2 or 3 months Then.....and she talked to me.....and told me....but after that I came to know from her own mom that she was very rude to him and they had various differences and HER mom asked HIM to not bother her daughter anymore.....well...after that HE admitted he did a mistake and we got back together ........and I too did a mistake by not revealng him my real photos and what he asked is a TRUE girl who is whole heartedly loving him and is truthfull....which Im very happy Ive sorted all things off...and being upto him.....SO......after that he moved to the US for trying to be cose to me as well as progressing further up in his career.....I came to US the same time to visit him and help him settle down .....and in the process we became soo close that I decided I stay here with him instead of going back and searching a job in canada....Initially when we met for first time in US....We were very happy with little money....and we had to lie sometimes that we are husband and wife to get a shared accomodation with another family people.....since HE does not like the idea os other men looking or even speaking much to me.......HE had a big concern of me being chubby...he always dreamt of a SLIM and sexy wife which I was not according to him......and YES I admit I was not SLIM....then why did he decide to stick with me.....hmmmm well as much as the SEXY wife image was important to him so is a TRUTHFUL and DEVOTED wife is VERY IMP to HIM....which I am ...atleast Iam happy that all the principles and values that my dad taught me is usefull to me !....I believe in them and do anything possible to stick by them......and I have dropped 30 lbs after I met him and still trying hard to reach that SEXY image.... I want to ...also for myself......its being 3 yrs that we are together and Ive lost lot of weight and devoted 100% to HIM.....I feel like I ve changed myself for my LOVE.... I love him with all my heart and soul and we have come all the way from rags to a well settled LIFE....I come from a very sound and well off family and since my family would not approve me of being with him ( his family is kind of in lower middle class and from different background than mine and he does not have father and they live in a village...) not that I dont respect such kind of people but that's his background......but he is very smart intelligent and straight forward man...I admit Im not as smart as him.....but coming to family I did not speak to my family seeing that they wud not approve of what I am doing here in US ( my family is back home in asia) .. I know I shud not have done that...but to be with HIM I chose HIM over my family although he did not like that and always keeps saying I shud talk to them...HE does not know that I did not talk I used to tell him I spoke very lil jus Hi and bye...once in 6 months or so.....but YA I did not speak to my family for more than 2 years thinking that they mite break my relationship....but I cried and beat myself up for the same.......I did everything posible in my hands to please him....sometimes I pitied him since he never had his dad...who passed away when he was a kid and he never experienced any attachment or family life with his mom / siblings......and I wanted to give him all LOVE I could possibly give.....we passed our first year in several hardships....me suffering from second degree burns while I was trying to make something special for him to eat.....and he took are of me...protected me.....but we had some fights ...sometimes his ex gf or some of our common friends or someone who was liking me tried to hak my laptop and create misunderstanding between us.....he knew that all was not true and someone was trying to create misunderstanding between us...but some issues popped uplike these.....but we fought realised and got back.....I wanted to find out ...but in first year we were very tight on budget henceforth did not get a chance....HE is very short tempered and gets offended very soon...and if he does not like anything he makes it a point that he gets that straight....Im kind of CALM and get adjusted to anything soon......I dont talk when he is angry and he wants me to talk and starighten things within minutes.....I tried this from day 1 we met...but there are lots of instances when I tried and I fear..no one has shouted at me or fought with me like this and It took me lot of effort to overcome these fights....till date I prefer to be silent....but he is adamant to make me talk ...I have talked ...but something I say he picks up something is wrong and again the fight goes on..... I annot tolerate ill words.....and all I get in all the fights is ill words abt my LOVE, my attitude sometimes my parents too....recently after long time I met my cousin accidentally and I came to know that my parents are very very depressed by my absence...I started talking to them...NOW all they want is me being happy no matter with who ever it was...my family needs my support emotionally and Im giving the same...although it does not replace all that time i did not .....they are doing good now back home.....meanwhile WE bought a house back home in the city in a very upscale and big govt minister's housing location...and his salary a major part goes into that mortgage....I am a contractor for software and I keep searching for a a new project always in the same area he works and sometimes its hard but I do......we both work now....and Im majorly the chef,housekeeper,assistant,personal groomer , person who makes things work back home in place.., contactor, his career counsellor( I do major work in setting up and contacting people with regards to his work) , etc etc...Im not complaining I LOVE to do everything for him...and I dont expect anything but LOVE...which acording to him may be a big return...he says when he is angry...that he is efd up of listening to things that I say that I do this...for him...I do that...for him..... which I do not say unless he scolds me and asks me why I did a partiular thing.......All he does is goes for job comes back eat food which I have to feed him...and sleep...and morning I have to press his clothes go to work...and we leave and I come back home...go to gym...come home...talk to his mom/siblings coordinate evrything back home from here......cook for him...I usually eat very less...and eat fast fixes like fruits or salad etc...but I make sure I cook traditional curries, flat bread etc which he loves to eat......BTW I am a strict vegeterian and I started cooking chicken which I used to hate and throw up at seeing that.....just for HIM...I never used to cook...never used to work so hard...nor restrict myself and push myself so hard...as to provide comfort and leave more opportunity for him to enjoy...I pretty much think like a 40 yr old.....thinking abt their kids before they spend even a penny on themselves....I think abt HIM more than I think abt myself......everything....I do according to HIM mostly......I lose my temper sometimes and I did shout back sometimes...when he really tested my patience making fun of my love and using very bad words.......I dont talk to much MEN as he does not like that......he says he does not have objetion provided they shud talk to him first and he shud approve.....I just dont bother doing that too....not that he doubts on me.....Im being just trying to give all the love I can....and being true....I manage his financials too....there is nothing that he does not know abt me and my life and vice versa......I dont understnd...AM i doing something wrong...Im not able to tolerate his bad words anymore after bearing for 3 yrs.....he always says if so just leave.....I dont want to....i want to love him and be the person whom he mite love back......My cousins and me have been bought up together bak home and she recently broke up with her boyfrnd.....and according to our traditions she is old enuf to be a mom of a 5 or 6 yr old..although she is 30.....my parents dont pester me to get married......but i dont wanna end up losing my love.....recently he started saying he does not love me he really likes me...and he wants me to be his wife...provided i get skinny.....Im in process....and i know i will do it.....and i know he loves me but does not admit when he is angry...he says he loves me when he is normal....but when he is angry he says he does not....sometiems he says ...and from day 1 he says..."pls dont bother I have very bad mouth when i am angry and all I say in anger is not true" thats y i beleived him.......now he says.....i made a mistake when i knew that he was so angry man and says ill words why did i stick to him.....i though he loved me...and he admits the same when is is normal...but when angry....he creates a hell for me...there have been instances I wanted to kill myself instead of listening to him bad words and his beating......there are some marks whih wont go...anyways I still love him i know if i get skinnier he will control his anger whih he says he will....love shud not be dependent on anything i know tat...but this is truth...i don wanna end up like others and live upto my parents expectations and HIS expectations......I just cant help myslef he says.....when he gets angry no matter is he is at fault i shud calm him and then talk in a way that does not make him feel offended...i try...but he always picks something or the other...i admit i do somethings wrong....but wat shall i say....i apologize to him....i say sorry and that does not please him......i controlled my emotions a lot...and i have reduced my crying...he does not like anyone crying.....i try not to cry in front of him......my career rite now is demanding...i just got off a project and searching for one......and we just had this fight....abt small thinsg abt me not answering his question in a way whih he wanted to.....and he says this is not working.......he says even when im hurt...i shud calm him.....i am unable to ....he almost made me feel like a "Prosti***e" yest when we had fite and i went back to calm him...and early in morning he did not like me not putting the alarm correctly and just left to work.....im feeling miserable i want this to work......he is a person who hates someone knowing his personal life...not even his mom...i know HE is truthful to me and loves me and trusts me...but his short temper is hurting me......do I have to me slim for him to stop being short tempered.....BTW im not that fat....may be lil chubby.....even when im skinny im chubby in face....what can i do.....just for the info...i was crowned MISS UNIVERSITY abt 4 yrs ago....I donno.....may be i shud talk to counsleor but im afraid this wud worsen my situation he hates it.....PLS advicesorry for any typos...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, simpleput +, writes (10 July 2007):
Wow...you should read what you typed to urself. I don't understand how and why a woman can love a man that treats her like sh*t. Love is unconditional. You have spoiled this man you are like his slave and servant. Your a smart and beautiful woman and I don't even have to see you to know that. You don't deserve him and though I am telling you this I know your situation probably won't change. I know plenty of woman like you who waited and waited. It took them couple of years to figure out and get the courage to leave the situation their in, like yours. Your a smart woman. Go back and visit with your family. Family is so important. Don't ever put a stranger in front of them I don't care how much you love him or whatever fight u had with your family. Take a break. And see how much he loves. See if he can live without you. He is making you doubt yourself. Your not fat. Your perfect. Good Luck and God Bless.
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