A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm hoping to get some advice re my situation. 9 months ago I split up with my partner of 7 years because he walked out after a series of arguments which I think were mainly caused by him being depressed and at that time he was verbally abusive to me also. We had a lot of happy times over the years and I do really miss him. We have spoken on the phone a lot and agreed to meet up next week for lunch. He sounds quite down when I speak to him and I wondered whether this was because he misses me too.I just wonder whether the way I am feeling is really normal? It seems to be eating away at me not seeing him and the only thing that makes me feel ok is the thought of seeing him. I feel exhausted from not seeing him and I'm fed up with just talking on the phone. I have no idea how it will be when we meet next week and I am quite nervous.I have never experienced this before with previous partners, including the father of my children. I wondered whether this is me being in an emotionally weak state or just normal because he is the love of my life? Any ideas would be appreciated. I do worry about this because although at times I have felt happy and got on with life etc, when it got to about six months of not seeing him, some sort of anxiety seemed to set in and I just really wanted to see him. Has anyone else felt like this and if so any comments would be gratefully appreciated. Thanks for your help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): Hi there, this is the original poster .. thanks for your answers - much appreciated. Yes there is a chance for a reconciliation but I'm not certain he has got over his depression - i want to suggest to him to get counselling but i'm not sure quite how to say it! I tried dating a couple of other guys, nothing serious, just dating but my heart wasn't in it .. thank you for your comments it's re-assuring to know that i'm not being overly weak or becoming unwell as in properly depressed etc .. x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): I can relate to the feeling of being fed up and exhausted just talking on the phone with an ex. My ex did that for several months after he broke up with a rebound relationship, and he often said he wanted to have sex with me until I finally asked him to stop pressuring me. However, I could have seen him at any time during those few months but something held me back from doing so, mostly because I was still mad at him for the way he treated me that caused me to have to break up with him and emotional abuse and verbal abuse was the last straw in our relationship.
Problem is I still loved him when I broke up with him and I tried to make the break up more of an agreement to take a step back and for him to get on his own two feet and to approach me from a different place. To stop using me and stop taking me for granted and pushing me away emotionally with his bad behavior. Then he did the thing where he broke it off with me and played lots of mind games and called me all of the time, would agree to meet up and most often stand me up. So I asked him to stop calling me and he did and then he started dating a girl intensely right after that and it only lasted 8 weeks.
I finally did meet him after four months of not seeing him and 8 months of being split, and it was a happy reunion full of romance and humility on his part, but I wouldn't let him as much as kiss me because he wanted to have sex...and I wasn't about to do that not knowing what he wanted and I told him so. He asked to come back, he didn't for a whole week and he called on Thanksgiving to announce he had a new girlfriend (although I am sure he had been sleeping with her for several months prior because he brought her up a couple of times in a joking manner and said she was a friend of his roommates and he had been fooling around with her, and then said he made the whole thing up). So the whole time he was calling me he was really seeing her, and he kept trying to woo me back into letting him in my life again, and I guess I missed my chance by not seeing him during that time and when I did, I didn't say how I felt I just asked if he wasn't dating any one he really liked.
But, what I am saying here is that it is probably unlikely that your ex has not been dating or seeing other women and still talking to you. So be prepared for that and be prepared for him to suddenly make a decision on one of those other women....I mean it could happen that he is just conflicted about his feelings for you.
I think your desire to see him is because you have remained in contact and doesn't mean he is the love of your life.
You broke up with him for a reason and verbal abuse is a good one, especially if you tried to work on your issues in a calm adult manner like I did and that is what I got from him instead and more. I was not going to let him treat me that way and get away with it. He knows he screwed up, he knows I probably will never really ever be able to trust him again. He made the comment when he came over to see me during our reunion and when I asked wasn't he seeing anyone he liked, that he was about to start a big project and that he might be ready to start something with someone but it wouldn't be any one from his work and he would just be "starting from sratch". Which I now know he had her in mind to be his girlfriend when he was sitting on my couch and making goo goo eyes at me.
Why would he feel the need to start from scratch? Because he knows he broke us and he can't put us back together again even though a big part of him wants to do so. A big part of me wants that, too, but I don't want to end up where we left off, in an abusive situation. I personally think he needs therapy as he was abused as a child and never got help from it, I on the other hand was not and I felt I did everything I could in that relationship to keep us together but I knew at a gut level that I was in over my head, that I didn't have the skills to deal with his psychological problems...I really don't expect this new relationship of his to last either, although it could be a year or more before the real him steps out and reveals himself....it won't be until he is actually in love with her and he isn't not yet.
So, I don't know if any of this helped, but that there are reasons you are feeling this way and you have to ask yourself why you want to go back there if none of the core issues and problems have changed. Meaning he hasn't gotten help and will still be abusive at some point and you know that.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (14 December 2009):
 I hardly think 9 months is long enough to get over a seven year relationship, so I don't think you are emotionally weak. Is there a chance for reconciliation? Has he gotten treatment for his depression?
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