A
male
age
36-40,
*mhere4u
writes:I feel like im clingy. i feel like i can be my girlfriends psychiatrist, her lover, her friend, her everything! I put her on a pedal stool, and i think she feels like she can't live up to those standards nor be herself around me without fear of making a mistake. I tell her that im not perfect and neither should she try to be, but i also think i negate that statement when i ask her why she doesn't do certain things. She told me 6 months ago that she wasn't happy and she was tired of hurting me and that maybe i should find someone else b/c she isn't a good person. so we mutually agreed to break up. We just got back together last week (we have been intimate with each other on and off since the break up), but b4 that i found out she had sex with another guy! She said that she was going through allot, and that she thought that because of the way i left last time, that she wasn't going to see me again! i was really upset, but told her if she wanted to work things out that she would have to show me she cared! She said she wanted to be back with me cuz, she realizes how much i loved her. The problem is, when she gets on the phone she has nothing to say to me ! i ask her whats wrong, and she says nothing! So i ask her if she felt awkward talking to me, and she says, she doesn't know what to say to me! So i tell her that its ok, and that i love her, and that she can talk to me about anything!! I also told her that i really mis the times when we would just talk about anything at the beginning of our relationship and that when she was ready to talk, that she could always talk to me. She calls me every night and doesn't really say anything on the phone, so i do most of the talking!! I don't know what to do!! i tell her all the time how much i care about her, and how much i miss her! maybe that is the problem, maybe she feels like she's under a microscope! should i give her space, and just not answer the phone for a few days? What should i do?
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male
reader, Imhere4u +, writes (16 May 2007):
Imhere4u is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell yeah i think i know whats wrong! we've been back and forth with each other because in the past i was feeling like she would rather be with her friends then hang out with me! It didn't start out like this though. In the beginning, everything was good, but i noticed that sometimes out of the blue,when i came by,that she wouldn't really be in the talking mood. i would ask her whats wrong and she would say everything was fine. This bothered me, so every time she got like this i would question her and ask her why she was denying that something was wrong. later on she told me that her parents got divorced and her father was all the mother she had growing up. He used to get on her every time she would express how she felt about things, telling her that, "you will never become a strong woman if your always trying to tell someone how you feel, and besides you shouldn't bother people with your feelings" I immediately told her that her father knew nothing about becoming a woman, because hes a guy! But she said that was all she knew growing up. The truth is, she wants to try, but is very afraid to because she has never let anyone know about her feelings directly. As for love, she has always been afraid of saying i love you. she told me in the past relationship she had with her X that he used smother her with love, constantly asking her if she loved him. Finally one day she gave in and told him yes, but shortly after she took it back. She told me she felt like she hurt him allot, and said she would never tell someone that she loved them, unless she was 100% sure. So a week ago, After she told me that she was intimate with another guy, i told her that i couldn't believe that i loved her for this long. Immediately afterwards she tells me that she loves me, and she has for a while but never mustered up the strength to tell me. She told me her biggest fear was to finally fall in love with someone, and then later have them walk out of her life (kinda like her mother did). She told me," all i have left to give away is my love, and after i give it away, what else could i offer you. you would probably get bored with me and leave!". I was shocked and told her that love is just the beginning and that i would always be there for her. As for whats bothering her: She hasn't forgiven herself for sleeping with this guy. She feels like she is a bad person and is feeling extremely guilty. It took a few days, but i forgave her and told her that i wouldn't dwell on it anymore and that she should try to forgive herself and let it go. She told me that after the incident, she left his house and told him that she could never see him again. I think when she feels bad about herself she cuts off all the affection, but after a week shes ok again (I personally don't think she gets rid of the problem but suppresses it). I told her that i was concerned about her depression and asked her if she wanted to talk to a councilor, but she didn't wanna go, so i told her that i wouldn't pressure her and that if she wanted to talk to someone, even if its not me, she should do so. I don't want to give up on her, because i see what her family has done to her mentally. She told me one time that she felt like i was judging her and that i read to much into whats shes saying! I told her i only do that because at times she doesn't tell me how she feels, so i sorta fill in the blanks to come up with a logical explanation for what shes going through. I feel like if i constantly shower her with praises, love and affection, that she will open up a little more. But i think I'm pushing her away by doing so. I feel like she talks to me more when i just act like I'm not worried about how she feels and that everything is fine.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2007): just let her free n stop smuther cating her. its time to set her free n move on!xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2007): She wants to be with you because she realises how much you love her? That sounds slightly suspect to me. I understand how difficult your position is, having been in it myself. You try everything to make a girl happy and she loves you because of the way you make her feel about herself, rather than for you as a person.
What you need to find out is, does she love you, or does she love being loved? Being adored is a huge turn-on. It boosts your self-esteem, it makes you feel powerful... but at the same time, if the relationship is one-sided it can't end well.
You've done about everything you can do for the moment. Give her some space. If she starts making an effort to find out about you, to love YOU rather than just having you sit around and giving her everything, letting her talk, listening to her problems, complimenting her, treating her like a queen - then you can have some equality in your relationship and start again.
She sounds fairly unhappy. Do you know what's wrong with her? Is she in a bad place in her life? Support her but don't carry her.
Good luck. You deserve it.
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