A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it just me of has anyone else noticed the same assumptions and consolations that people make when someone says that they've never had a girlfriend and are having difficulty finding one?1) You have to be happy alone before you can be with someone.My first question to this is WHY? Look, I’m not saying that I’m downright depressed about being alone. I’m more or less content for lack of a better word. If I was so happy being single I wouldn't want a relationship.2) Relationships aren't all they’re cracked up to be.Really?...You wouldn't happen to be in a relationship would you?...Yes?…That’s what I thought.3) Love finds you when you least expect it (AKA: stop looking and love will find you)Hate to tell you but I’ve gone years with looking and years without looking and the result is the same either way. Apparently love got lost on its way to find me.4) You just want a girlfriend because society tells you so.Nope…I’m pretty sure I want to find someone because I feel lonely, lack any form of romantic relationship and intimacy in my life, and am constantly reminded of this when I spend time with my friends who are all married with families of their own.5) You should try online datingWorst advice you could ever give anyone. Online dating is the biggest self-esteem killer out there. I’ve tried multiple sites, both paid and free since 2011. Made profiles, added interesting photos of me, had it reviewed, sent out tons of well thought out and personalized messages…AND…nothing. To date I’ve heard back from three women. One who said she wasn’t interested and two where we sent a couple messages back and forth and then they just up and deleted their profiles.6) You’re trying too hard and You’re not trying hard enoughWell which is it? Am I trying too hard or am I not trying hard enough. It can’t be both. I try never to turn down an opportunity to meet women; most of the time through friends, sometimes at the bar or a party. Trouble is nowadays I work odd hours compared to most everyone else and those opportunities are far less than they used to be.7) For the sake of time I’ll lump these last few together. You need to be more confident…You have low self-esteem…You need to like yourself first…I like myself just fine. I’d say I’m an attractive guy, have a career and work full time, am working on purchasing a house right now, have a good group of friends, and have hobbies that I enjoy. I don’t even have trouble talking to women. Women just never see me as anything more than a friend even in cases where I have made my intentions known early on. How is my self-esteem not supposed to take some kind of a hit when all I can get is rejection? I’m all for faking it till you make it, but real confidence comes from previous success, which I haven’t had.I’m starting to lose hope.
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confidence, depressed, never had a girlfriend Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, amazingk +, writes (1 July 2013):
 I feel you, and your guess is as good as mine as far as how to find someone. I don't feel I'm deficient in anything, either, yet I've been single for two years. It is what it is. Just gotta enjoy your life as it is no matter the circumstance. Besides, frustration or complaining doesn't change things any sooner... :)
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 June 2013):
 I think that's the ticket for you. Approach meeting females as just making a new friend not anything more. Who doesn't want more friends? Having people to hang out with and just relax is the way to go. If something develops, fine and dandy, but if you end up just friends having good times then it still is win win. At least you'll be out there living life to the fullest. And I know you don't want to hear this, much less believe it but I have to say it: you are still so young and have plenty of time for the love of your life to wander into your arms.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (29 June 2013):
 Sorry, sent too soon. Anyway, I feel relatively optimistic about this new relationship, and I completely understand where you're coming from, so I hope that maybe that gives you some hope.
Some practical advice- perhaps you could ask some trusted female friends to tell you if you are giving out some kind of vibe. Also ask friends to set you up with their friends. Also, try to approach women with the view of getting to know them and perhaps making friends, rather than finding a girlfriend. You might find then that something more develops and you'll also be less disappointed if it doesn't.
I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (29 June 2013):
I've heard every one of these cliches numerous times but in relation to finding a boyfriend. I know just how frustrating it is. People mean well but they just feel like empty words.
Some people have lots of partners in their lives, other people not so. Like me, you belong too the latter category. It could be a self-esteem thing, you could be giving out all manner of signals without ever realising it, but it could also be that you just don't click with most people.
I am 29 and have never had a good long term relationship. Instead I have settled for wildly unsuitable people just because I was so tired of being alone. I recently met someone who seems good, and though it's very early days and
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