A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've had sneaking suspisions about my boyfriends 'friendship' with a girl he works with whom is also a married woman for some time now. So yesterday I thought I would get to the bottom of it by getting into his email account and looking through his sent and deleated items without his knowing. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but I suppose I justified my actions by what I found:They have been overtly flirting with one another and making plans to hang out together in the "dark room where they'll have to feel their way around" and "squish in together for a nap under one of their desks between meetings".I dont know whether this is just harmless flirting for an ego boost or something more sinister. I dont want to confront him about it as I really shouldn't have gone through his emails in the first place and if I tell him then he will only find another way of doing it without my being able to privately track it.What should I do? Clearly we have trust issues, I know that already - but we're about to buy a house together and now I'm thinking maybe thats not such a good idea since I feel so hurt at his disregard for his professional work relationships and disrespect for both my feelings and this womans husband's feelings - even if it is only harmless flirting.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): Firstly - forget this womans husbands feelings. Thats her problem. Your problem is that your fella is clearly being a flirt which I would say in the workplace usually leads to one of two things 1) A bad / unprofessional image when people gossip and decide 'something' is going on between them (most peoples emails are not that secure at work) and 2) a relationship (if there isn't one already). Personally I would start making his life a bit difficult. I would definitely NOT move in with him - no way. Tell him that you are taking the day off give him no notice and that you will meet him for lunch near or at his place of work. Watch his reaction. Check for other classic signs of cheating - hiding his phone, staying late etc etc. You could also invite some of his friends (including work ones) round for a dinner party or similar and see how he reacts to that idea. If he gets defensive or makes excuses not to then I would say there is plenty going on. In any case I think you have grounds on what you know alone - but to confront now would be to perhaps miss further facts. When you are satisfied its just about emails decide if you even want to be with him. If you don't - just print the emails off and confront him. If you do want him then you will have to approach it more subtly. This is only my opinion but if I found that kind of thing I would never trust him again. Where would the flirting stop? Would he do this in the future? He is mentally cheating.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): Confront him but tell him you saw the email when he stayed logged in somewhere and make it clear you don't know his password so he's not apt to change it if you continue to work it out. Nothing is harmless cause he may be missing something from your relationship that is making him flirt like that, even if its only been flirting. You need to bring it up cause it may only excilate and you don't want to be stuck in a commitment like a house. Much luck to you..
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A
female
reader, katatonik  +, writes (25 November 2008):
 I'm not sure flirting like this can truly be "harmless" when one of the parties is married and the other is in a supposedly committed relationship. I don't think it was right of you to look through his personal e-mail, but now that you have, you may as well tell him that you did and what you found. It will be hard for you to be concrete about your suspicions without telling him exactly why and how you have them. I know you said you don't want to confront him about it, but the issue needs to be addressed. You're right to think twice about buying a house with someone who is already showing signs of infidelity, so talk to him about this and see if you can get to the bottom of this before making a decision one way or the other...
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