| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Dear aunts and uncles, Do you think its fair to keep some things in your past from to yourself and not share them with your partner? I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we are already talking long term. We have a really great realationship and i love him to no ends. He's very supportive and loving and gentle, he always goes out of his way to make me happy and i try to do the same. A while back he asked me about past relationships -we come from a conservative culture where males dont really accept females past relationships or affairs- i told him about the few dates i had, they were all innocent dates that never went past the three, mostly due to incompatibility. Even though that was it my boyfriend admitted to feeling jealous. I didnt go into details and i told him i had no previous relationships. The truth is a few months before i met him i was strung along by a guy i met through a friend. I didnt really like him but i was at a point where i needed something to cling on to. We went on two dates and he kept me hanging with the i am not sure how i feel about you, i was admittidly naive - i didnt know back then what i know right now. We didnt really go out, we werent in a relationship, he would just call me to vent about his life(daily sometimes twice), and when he needed help or wanted to do his chores he'd ask me to come along~ He used me really bad in various ways, from financially to emotionally to even pressuring me sexually then trying to get me into a friends with benifit situation (he started but i didnt let him go through with it). He brought me down to a point where i was nearly depressed. We never had a title, he kept saying i like you but i am bot sure how or how much or if its enough for us to go on, or how i should find a guy who is right for me, but at the same time he kept clinging and stringing me along.At the same time he was messeging all the girls at his work and hos socail circle to go out with them, telling them he wanted a serious relationship. Even proposing to one. ( i didnt know this until i finally broke it off)It was fast and clean on my side, i wished him well amd told him i dont want to speak to him anymore he doesnt have what i want and i am wasting my time on something too consuming. He took it well at first vut after a few days of not hearing from me and sending all the miss you messeges he finally contacted me on a socail network while i was active there and started cursing me for ignoring him and telling me who the f i think i am and to f off and all those really nasty things i replied calmly then i blocked him and never talked to him again, i blocked him on every possible communication route. He still managed to try to reach out i never responded. He came to my job once, ignored him. Until he finally came to my house at night and left a miss you note.. I was so close to call the police and some family members to sort it out. My friend convinced me not to (so i wouldnt bring the drama into my new relationship) she being a mutual friend texted the guy and told him that i intended to get my family and the police to interfere (i come from a large powerful family in my country). Apperntly he blocked her and got scared then never contacted me again.- this was almost one year ago.I never told my boyfriend any of this. For one i hate how naive and helpless i was throughout that affair, i learned a lot. And it helped me become a lot more socailly smart and aware but its still not a part of me i want to acknowledge. its not something i want to share with anyone its something, lesson learned page turned.Now me and my boyfriend are looking for jobs in the same field and area as that guy, i dont know if he will act out if i ever came across him or if he would ever tell any nasty or sexual lies about me to my boyfriend out of spite. It worries me a little that if that happened my boyfriend would believe him and say i hid something from him? Am i overthinking this? Do i have the right to keep somethings to myself? Please help me with your insight i really need it :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (5 July 2015):
 Not only that you should you keep your past to yourself but you should editorialize it if need be, forget it in your mind, not tell others, tell some to few, tell none of it if it serves your good ... or simply do whatever you want with it because it is yours. Your past is yours, it is your experience of life through which you learned what life is. Your past is your asset for you to use to be a better human being, nicer in your soul and all around more loving to others and yourself.
So with your love life: your past has thought you to recognize a good man and dump the bad one. Just because your romantic attempts in the past did not work out, it does not necessarily follow that you need to tell all about it to your new man. Romantic attempts are natural behaviors in the course of human life because that is how we humans find another to love.
So if you sense that your man is jealous then don't tell him anything. If you are settled in your mind, clear of your past and ready to commit to him, he need not know details of your heart because those details never worked out and what good will knowing the bad do for the foundation of the good that he is seeking. Withhold information is not lying.
As for that old male who was messing with you in the past, once your new man is committed to you, whatever he says, if he ever does, is just bunk. If he does, then go on offensive, attack, fight him and be feisty because you know your past and you know his as well... Attack at him being a double talker trying to pervert you into FWB, attack at his indecision... Attack and attack at anything and be strong.
You should not forgo your future over some words of an indecisive and shady man. If your new man is the right guy, and he wants you, seal the deal and march forward, undaunted.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 July 2015):
 I have to agree, keeping things from your past IN the past is YOUR personal choice. NO ONE has a "right" to know EVERYTHING about you. BUT.... don't LIE about it.
If you think he can't handle your past, HOW do you think things would play out IF/when he finds out later on? Not good, right?
Let's say you pretend you are a virgin and in your culture virginity at marriage is VITAL. Then he find out you are not a virgin after all. Well depending on what kind of man he is, what kind of culture, religious background he is from it may be a HUGE deal. He might feel like if you LIED about that... what ELSE did/do you like about?
I think it cones down to respect and trust. You can tell him, I don't want to rip up in my past, I want to LEAVE my past in the past. This is now, that was then. This is YOU and me, not exes or whatnot.
FOR a relationship to work, there has to be honesty, love, trust and open communication. THAT doesn't mean your BF is entitled to know every little detail of your past, nor do YOU need to know everything either.
Either he can LOVE you for WHO you are NOW, or he can't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2015): IMO it is ok mainly because guys are so jealous and insecure that
It blows my mind. I am a guy myself, but I would never judge a girl for
Having a long list of past experiences because I too am no saint when
It comes to what I've done and better yet what I'm willing to do. However if I it means withholding facts about unprotected sex and you haven't been tested anytime after then you need to be respectful and reveal that because it's not right to engage in activity that could pass on STI/Std's to
Somebody without allowing them to protect themselves.
The other thing I hate is girls that leave out that they have given
Oral sex before because they don't desire to do it to the current guy.
It's not fair to him. Girls shouldn't start a relationship with a guy if he isn't
Good enough for you to do what you've done for a past guy. At least let
Him know upfront that you have sucked off a guy(s) but that it was different
Because you were more physically attracted to him and so it was enjoyable. Doing it for this guy is a chore n nothing in it for you.
Sorry if I came off negative, but I had a girl cause permanent emotional damage to me. We had great sex. I would eat her out like a pro n let her squirt in my mouth. But bj's were very rare. 2 weeks after we broke up I heard from her friend that she met a guy online and he would come over after work and hang out for an hour and then get sucked off by my ex for another hour and she swallowed too. And this was after the guy said he wouldn't have sex or return the favor.
So that made me feel awesome. If she liked sucking cock, but I wasn't up to her standard then I deserved to know so I could have avoided 2 years of being a good bf that got rewarded with my ex giving all the head she didn't give me to some other guy she let use her for head. I guess he didn't use her if she was getting something out of it.
Lesson learned.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 July 2015):
 I am not going to mess with the cultural aspects. But I also going to try really hard to not impose my culture on your culture.
Because I know that in some cultures something acceptable here can be utterly taboo in another culture.
Clothing being a good example - what is acceptable in the streets here - a bare midriff - could get to arrested in Saudi Arabia.
I spoke to a girl from India recently who feels too ashamed, at the moment, to tell her family that she is divorcing her husband. She is worried that she'll be labelled a failure. I think should be applauded for having the strength and courage to leave her husband after the beatings and psychological abuse he's subjected her too.
Culture in one place can be utterly the opposite elsewhere, And vice a versa - something that is met with revulsion here (for instance female circumcision) is regarded as essential in some cultures in Africa and elsewhere and a pre-requisite for marriage.
Culture change can be entrenched due to generations of people regarding it as normal
So back to you. Consider your original culture before you dive right in with the first option that comes into your head.
Some cultures are so ingrained that a man might find a woman lacking if he thought she did not cook every meal and every component in the meal from scratch, even expecting her to blend all her own spices, just like his mother always did.
Other cultures are happy to co-exist with a blend of old and new.
If you think he will be horrified and will immediately label you as unsuitable then perhaps he's not the man for you.
If you think he's likely to be consumed with retrograde jealousy then telling him is likely to result in a lot of pain for him and you and will not be pretty.
But here's my rule. If I cannot be completely transparent with my guy and vice a versa then we would not be together. If total trust is not there then what have you got? Not much.
My guy accepts that my two wedding pictures are side by side. He accepts those memories type things because he knows he is ''just as good as'' - not superior, not inferior - but just as uniqie and loved as the other.
In fact it was he who encouraged me to continue to display that memoribilia as he said ''it is part of who you are''
So he's comfortable in his own skin - I've even heard him explain to one of his friends how and where it was won - an award given to my late husband.
But in another culture maybe my guy's acceptance would result in frowns.
If you think you will be unfairly judged and labelled then consider if you need or deserve a judgemental response to your honest.
If you think he can handle the truth with openess, empathy and understanding and will genuinely want to hear you out and will not harshly judge you for being honest then by all means consider revealing it.
But beware - if he has you on a pedestal as Ms Perfect - then this illusion could be shattered by your revelations.
If he keeps on revisiting those revelations and becomes more harsh and unforgiving then he can't handle the truth. And is more likely to swirl it up ito a bigger drama than you ever intended.
You should be very proud of you for breaking up from and blocking that nasty ex.
Sometimes we need a jerk, like that ex, to learn from so. that we never repeat that mistake ever again with anyone like.
However ONE proviso. If there is ever any chance that this curent guy (and /or someone who knows your guy and/or knows the blocked ex) are likely to be working together then yes you should explain all. Some people love to gossip. guys do gossip too. Some people are blabbermouths.
You don't want him to discover it while he's making himself an early morning coffee at work. He would feel betrayed.
But if telling him becomes a deal breaker for him, such that he is unforgiving and becomes consumed by it all then maybe all is not as you assumed.
Fingers crossed he'll understand that you needed to learn that lesson from the ex to prepare yourself and be ready for the right guy (which on hopes is him)
And if you cannot handle the guilt then unload it all to a counsellor first, to put things in perspective and to help forgive yourself for beating up on yourself.
Do that first.
Because unburdening yourself like that can be a selfish exercise.
You lay it all out.
You feel unburdened and better.
And the person you unload all that past on feels all the pain all over again and feels horrible as a result.
Talk to a counsellor first. You have recovered from the pain of that ex. That ex was not worthy of you.
But all that pain will feel like it was just yesterday to your current ex, so get that counselling first so you can learn how to impart bad news the right way. Not the wrong way.
Hope that helps
.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 July 2015):
 You have the right to keep some things to yourself, but you should not lie. You worry your boyfriend will react badly, and you want to avoid this from happening. But you do not know how your boyfriend will react, and I believe you worry for nothing. You don't know if these two men will meet, you don't know if one will say something about you or not. You are imagining the worst, and you have no idea how your boyfriend will react. Perhaps your boyfriend will do what is most natural to expect: ignore the guy and not believe him. Because why would he trust him over you? He doesn't know this guy, unless your boyfriend is incredibly stupid and naive, he does not go around believing what random strangers tell him.
So if this other guy starts telling lies, don't worry, I do not think your boyfriend will start believing him. If they ever even meet.
Relax, your boyfriend is not entitled to every little detail of your past love life. He admitted to getting jealous, and you did the right thing by not telling him more than absolutely necessary: that you've dated a few guys before, it didn't work out, and it didn't go into the stage of a relationship. You are entitled to define what you had with this other guy, and if you defined it as NOT dating, then thats what it was. You know best what you and him had.
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