A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife has basically lost interest in sex. We've talked about it a lot, and says she just doesn't think about it very much any more, and that she's at a stage in her life where she's just not interested. She still gets in the mood, but it's very infrequently (once a month or so). Even when she is in the mood, she tells me she done after only a few minutes, and she doesn't seem to be "into it" to any significant degree. I'd like to do it at least 3-4 times per week.Before we got married about a year ago, she told me she wasn't very interested in sex because she'd changed (gotten more religious) and she felt guilty about it. She assured me repeatedly ("you just have to trust me") that once we got married she'd want to do it constantly, and that she could do it for hours, morning noon and night.So, I now find myself in a situation where I've vowed to be faithful to someone who doesn't actually want to have sex with me on any kind of a regular basis. It feels like I took more of a vow of celibacy than a marriage vow. (why do so many women insist that their man be faithful to them even though they really aren't interested in having sex with him?)(This seems to be the situation with a quite a few of my guy friends)(If a woman doesn't want to have sex with a man, why does she care if he has sex with someone else?)We've gone to counseling, I've read numerious books about sex and marriage, listened to CDs about relationships. Some of it was very helpful in terms of the relationship overall, but nothing has caused her to want to have sex.In counseling, the counselor said people go through different stages in life, and she at a stage where she just doesn't have any interest in sex. (This is consistent with what she said)She says she loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of her life. I'm almost positive she's not cheating on me.I do feel some resentment that she doesn't want to have sex with me, but she also doesn't want me to have sex with anyone else. Her position seems to be that "If you really loved me you'd give up sex for the rest of your life to be with me." (an open marriage is a non-starter for her)So, here's the question. Is it ever OK to cheat? It seems to me that my only choices are to continue counseling, reading books, etc. (this has gotten old for me because it produces zero results and I've gotten tired of putting in so much time and effort on something that's not producing results). Or, I could stay in the relationship and accept the fact that for the rest of my life I will only rarely have sex; get divorced; or cheat.I have come to realize that a great deal of my frustration with the situation is emotional in the sense that it does hurt to be rejected constantly by my wife. But, even if I tell myself it's not me, it's her, that is only a partial solution. I would still like to have sex on a more frequent basis.A second question. Does anyone know of a way to eliminate your own sex drive? It seems to me that I will somehow have to learn to accept being virtually celibate
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celibate, divorce, in the mood, sex drive Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): It might be the last thing on her list of priorities but it isn't last on yours.
It has made me quite angry, her completely selfish attitude. You clearly love her and want to show it in a physical way - this is 100% natural and normal. Your married for goodness sake.You married her and she promised she would change after this - she hasn't.
You really need to make her grasp that she has to lose the 'doing it as a favour to you' attitude or lose you to somebody compatable.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): Thanks for the responses. She tells me she has orgasms easily. Unless she's really good at faking it, she often has several orgasms inside of a few minutes from when we start. (When I said in my original post that she doesn't seem like she's "into it", I meant it in the sense that she seems to view it as just a necessary biological process, that she's not really enjoying it mentally, almost as if she's simply relieving herself until she has to do it again)
She says she learned to put sex out of her mind before when she was single so she wouldn't be tempted, and she says she's stayed that way. She says she does not feel guilty about sex now that we're married, but she also says she has more important things in her life now, that "sex is the very last thing" in terms of her priorities.
I love the whole process, the feeling of being close to her, etc. I love every square inch of her body. I wouldn't mind spending some time at it to enjoy the process (I guess our feelings are somewhat reversed compared to the stereotypical man/woman situation)
With respect to her health and/or seeing a counselor, I've mentioned this to her before, but she responded very angrily. I worded it very gently, but she took it as an insult. She's from an asian country, and people from that culture seem to view this type of thing as put-down, that there's something wrong with them. She was extremely reluctant to go to couples counseling, and she would often back out at the last minute, etc.
I tend to think you are correct that cheating is never OK. In the past I have always felt that way, but I had never seriously thought about a situation such as this before, and I was starting to question my own views.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): You know I think this is so wrong of her, to promise sex once your married and then go back on it,its like blackmail. Sex is another way of showing love, affection closeness... you surely cannot be expected to just live like it indefinately.
Its your wife that needs help, she needs to unblock whatevers stopping her wanting sex. Be it a psychological problem or physical.
I don't think cheating is the answer, no, I think you need to have her get that help and if it doesn't work,or if its her stubborness or lack of sex-drive, then divorce is the only way forward,either that or a life of living in hope
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (6 March 2012):
 Cheating is never okay. The word "cheat" is pejorative for a reason.
Honestly, I don't think it's fair for you that your wife is neglecting something you so desire. You mentioned that she says she loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with you, but do you feel the same way? Do you really love her? When you ask for ways to decrease your sex drive, are you really willing to squander something you want for the sake of your spouse? These are questions you really need to ask yourself.
For your second question, I can think of one almost foolproof way to lower your sex drive: anti-depressants. No joke.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): Its not ever right to cheat. Its dishonest, wrong, selfish.
I happen to believe that you were lied to and mislead about the sexual compatibility so I see the marriage is one of convienance and comfort for her, and one of neglect on your side, which is abuse.
I dont think its right to deny our loving, trusting partners of our love, companionship, and intimate selves.
If you feel so wronged by the marriage and your Wives lies- head to a counsellor first and in the end, I say walk away and divorce and find a woman who is HONEST and compatible on such things.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 March 2012):
 There are two segments in your submittal which are all the information that you need to address this issue. They are:
"Or, I could stay in the relationship and accept the fact that for the rest of my life I will only rarely have sex; get divorced; or cheat." Just pick "divorce" and be done with this matter. AND, whilest you are getting the divorce, be sure that you make it known that your marriage was FRAUDULANT, insofar as she PROMISED that there would be a sexual component to it... AND,
"Does anyone know of a way to eliminate your own sex drive? It seems to me that I will somehow have to learn to accept being virtually celibate..." Why bother? There's no "marriage" here. Get away from this woman and don't bother looking back.
If you look at other postings by me, you'll learn that I went through just about EXACTLY what you're enduring.... except that there was no marriage involved... and I chose to walk away....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2012):
 IT's never ok to cheat
but it's also not ok to promise someone they will want sex AFTER they are married and then not follow through with that promise.
Has she had a medical work up to rule out physical reasons why she has no drive... if she has and it's psychological then you may have to consider staying celibate in a marriage or sadly ending the marriage based on false promises and alienation of affection.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 March 2012):
 First off, no it's never OK to cheat. You either need to stay or leave. You can't just lie.
Two suggestions. One is that she go to counseling on her own to try to deal with her guilt surrounding sex. If she feels like sex is dirty and wrong, of course she's going to avoid it. That guilt definitely won't magically disappear with marriage.
The other is a question, does she have an orgasm easily every time (that easily is important, meaning not both of you working hard for an hour to get her there)?
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A
female
reader, LovelyLemon +, writes (6 March 2012):
 I understand your frustration. It's hard to feel rejected by your spouse time and time again, but NO that does not make it ok to cheat! You even said yourself that she is going through a 'stage', meaning it will eventually be over. If she has guilt and emotional problems surrounding sex, I think that you counselor should have talked to you about that, as it is somewhat unhealthy.
Alternatives to cheating and being sexless could be viewing pornography if she is comfortable with that. Mind you, don't let it turn into lying and being hurtful. Or try some other sexy activity that isn't intercourse, like oral or even just mutual masturbation. There are other ways to remain satisfied.
Much love and Best wishes
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