A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My parents are newly divorced, and I am still recovering from the hellish and nasty ordeal that it became.I tried to keep contact with my mother, but I am afraid of the depth of her emotion. My mom carries a lot of rage and pain inside, and it just explodes out of her. She has a short temper. When she cries, it sounds like someone has died. Just awful weeping. I get so upset listening to her I cant take it. I have also seen her hysterical.I saw her a few times after the divorce, but each visit took me days to recover. I began to get so anxious and frightened of being around her that I stopped going. I could not understand why I was afraid of her. She has never laid a finger on me. I was sitting in a car a few weeks back, and she came by unexpectedly and knocked on the window and all I can say is that I felt utter panic. I immediately drove away. Since then, I have cut off all contact with her. She is so upset, and keep saying she loves me in emails that I dont respond too. I thought about talking to her again recently, because I thought I was stronger. But now I have started having nightmares on a regular basis.I feel like a terrible daughter for ignoring her. Again, she loves me, and she would never purposefully do anything to hurt me. But I cant handle seeing her. Why am I reacting like this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Your mother may be TRANSFERING here pain onto you unknowingly, as others have suggested, I think to seek therapy would be a good idea a(psychotherapist)can deal with transference and help all to understand.
Stay clear for now why you feel panic,but no harm responding by letter or phone( without revealing that you are afraid).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): First off i don't think its fair that another poster called you "immature " and "coward" for "running away". The fact that you have been plagued by nightmares and for some reason feel this utter terror around your mother shows that you are suffering as much as she is. Probably both of you should seek therapy (individually) .I am wondering if your mother's outbursts are directed at you in any way? Even if not, it can be terrifying to see someone completely come unhinged and on a regular basis too. She may have a mental disorder if she really cannot control herself. In which case you can't do anything to lessen her distress so you don't have to put yourself in the crossfire by being around her. Its quite common that in relationships where one person is high conflict the other will naturally respond by withdrawal and avoidance. If you cannot bear to see her in person, you don't have to. You can email her to suggest some therapists in the area she should go to for help in dealing with her emotional problems. Explain to her in your email why you're avoiding her. It's not that you don't love her it's just that she triggers panic attacks in you. She needs the feedback that she has a major problem that she needs help with. If she needs to unleash scary outbursts she can and should do it in the controlled setting of a therapist 's office. In my family two individuals are very high conflict and often have angry and emotional outbursts. Everyone else in the family is opposite and is very avoidant and withdrawing because of these two individuals. Your reaction to your mom is normal in nature though abnormally extreme (nightmares, panic attacks) . Therefore you should talk to a therapist as well to help process these intense feelings and develop some coping strategies around your mother."
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 September 2013):
 sounds like both you and your mom would benefit from individual and family therapy. AND yes you and your mom are a family.
you and you dad are another family.
Your reaction of utter panic at talking to you mom is not normal. Annoyance yes... frustration sure.. but a full blown panic attack that you know is irrational indicates that you are either not sharing everything with us (understandable) or that you yourself have issues that must be addressed.
I strongly urge you to get into therapy to figure out why your mother's behavior is triggering such a strong reaction.
and once you feel safe broach the subject of some family therapy together knowing that if she is not getting personal therapy that she will need a bulk of the family time to figure it out herself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): Your mother's rage and emotional distress; is a sign of an untreated mental disorder, and possible depression.
She is exhibiting a spectrum of emotional outbursts; because there may have been some hidden history of physical, psychological, and emotional abuse; prior to, and during the divorce. It sounds very much like post-traumatic stress. Only a trained mental-health professional can make a proper diagnosis.
Even if she herself was the main culprit that may have ended the marriage; there are many secrets parents bury to protect you. She is too ill to reason, or care for herself.
You're not a child anymore. You may know details you didn't share here; but being afraid of your mother and avoiding her, isn't a mature or productive way of handling this situation. Perhaps your culture doesn't offer women help in such situations; or your county doesn't have in-place support programs. However; I highly doubt that.
Just explain what on earth is keeping you from seeking help for your mother?
It's unfortunate that it has never occurred to you to rush her to a hospital for treatment. Call an ambulance! She is showing signs of anxiety disorder and you're just watching her fall apart.
You're not showing human compassion by taking the necessary actions to help an obviously sick person. She's not some stranger, or a neighbor. She is your mother!
Is it resentment that you have that you're willing to watch her disintegrate or deteriorate into a state beyond help?
What's going on here?
It sounds like she's not the only one with emotional problems. How can a grown woman watch her own flesh and blood suffer from a mental breakdown, and run away like a coward? For lack of a better word, my dear.
If you can't gather the strength and courage to do it on your own; call another family member, or your local department of mental-health. They'll send out a social-worker to visit her, and determine what help is available to get her into a treatment program.
She may have hurt you growing up, perhaps you fault her for driving your father away, and more. If there is a shred of humanity left in you, call someone else to help her; if you can't find it within yourself.
Your immaturity and inability to act in such a crisis, is saddening for the both of you. You're more concerned about your own fears; than someone who obviously needs treatment!
Someday this will all come back to you, and you'll have a lot of regrets. Why did you bother to even come by to see her if you can't talk to her? Just to torture her all the more?
Hopefully some good Samaritan will come along in time to help her. It apparently won't come from anyone she gave birth to, or any other relative. This is more than pathetic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): She needs help, professional help...I would say you need to let her know how you feel - don't just cut contact totally because she is not an "ex", she is your mother, good or bad. She is going through something terrible, grief through divorce, and she needs support. Being around her traumatises you, so you need to let her know that, not just ignore and hurt her.Once you have let her know how being around her makes you feel, that it affects you on every level, including nightmares, she will get an idea why you are avoiding her and she can look for professional help so that she can reach out to you again in future, in a more calm, sensible state.You are both victims of the divorce, in different ways.
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