A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend went out with a male friend and two other girls tonight.I considered that a double date.He said it's not, he was just the 'wingman'. I don't know exactly what a 'wingman' is, so I searched Urban Dictionary. The definition it gives me is "A wingman is a guy you bring along with you on singles outings (like to bars) that helps you out with women" it also states "The wingman will always be there to occupy the least attractive girl of the pair so that you may engage the hotty".My boyfriend is trying to tell me that it is OK to be a wingman and it's OK to hang out with his single male friends and meet new female friends.I disagree. I think that since he is already in a committed relationship with me, that it is not his place to be his friend's wingman. Also if his friend respects us, his friend would not ask him to be the wingman. Also definitely do not agree that my boyfriend needs to be out with his single male friend to make new female friends.Am I over reacting to this? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, thanks again for everyone's replies! It really helps me see clearly what I should do.In response to the male reader who feels it's OK to ask his new found female friend for her number, I think he must speaking through his ^^^e. Or maybe he is just as manipulative and shady as this ex-boyfriend of mine.I talked to him tonight and set boundaries. I said it's OK for him to go out with a group of friends and if females are there to make chat and be friendly, but it's NOT OK for him to be picking up girls phone numbers whom he has just met. He of course tried to argue it. But I told him how wrong he was to have asked me to stop chatting online, this is at a common interest site, NOT A DATING SITE. Everyone there chats normally and does not flirt or any of that. He knows that it's clean and he knows that I just like to chat to kill time. He said NO I cannot go online to chat because some guy might pick me up. I'm not like that and he knows it, BUT because he was uncomfortable and because I loved him, I put him first and stopped chatting. Yet he feels it's OK for him to MEET new female friends IN PERSON and get their contact?? I don't think so. He of course did not like the conversation and felt I was yelling at him. I say it's double standards.Chigirl is right, if I want people to respect me, I should first respect myself and get the heck out of this relationship! My problem is I yell and kick and scream and then the next morning I forget what the problem was and I'd be fine. That's always been how i am with everything... until the problem arises again and I'm wondering why am I still in this situation. This time I really need to be smart and just RUN away from this. I need to remember this is not right, what he is trying and has been trying to do is not right and I deserve someone who will respect me and treat me better. I will remember that and move on.Thanks everyone!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): why is that everyone bashes on the guy for being a wingman. being a wingman, he had no intentions of dating the other girl so its not cheating. SEEMS like it was just a dinner date. just because a MAN is in a relationship doesn't mean he can't meet NEW female FRIENDS. WHAT IS ALL THIS nonsense about. we will always meet new people from different paths of life and different genders. exchanging contacts to keep in touch is NORMAL. maybe your boyfriend is just socialable like that. now more than keeping in touch is WRONG, but doesn't seem like he is doing that, because he never even called his friend sister. does he ask MEN for their contacts too? he probably does. do you have a problem with that too? he ask his friend sister for her number probably because they became friends after that night. is it ok to ask a friend for his or her number? you go out to birthday parties or gathering events, you are bound to meet new friends, so asking for contacts seems normal. STOP OVER REACTING.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 May 2015):
 Uh-oh, this does not sound good I am afraid. Your boyfriend was picking up this friends sister. He asked for her number, and guys only do that for one reason.. and it's not to make friends! It's to pick them up! It's even worse if he never intended to call her, as that just proves he had NO REASON to ask for her number other than he wanted an ego boost and to feel attractive and wanted. So he flirted and asked for her number and acted like a single guy just to feel good about himself. That's not okay, and it is very immature. It is not the way for a man in a relationship to behave. I understand why you are concerned now, and your reaction to his latest out-going makes absolute sense.
Unfortunately, you only have two choices. You can accept that this is the way he behaves, that he will act as if single and want attention and flirt with other women and ask for their number.. Or you can leave the relationship.
You decide how you want people to treat you. If you want to be treated with more respect, then you need to leave this man because he's not treating you the way you want. And no, talking to him about it doesn't help. You tried that already, he said he doesn't care.
Best of luck! Remember that there are more fish in the sea! Tell him he can call that sister now, because you're out of here....
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (9 May 2015):
 Unfortunately your follow-up only reiterates what's suggested in your original post - this guy isn't capable of respecting the relationship he is already in.
There is NO good reason for a partnered man to be soliciting phone numbers from random women. None. Would you stay with someone who went on dating sites and flirted with other women while in a relationship with you, but dismissed your objections to that by telling you he was "just looking"?
That's what your boyfriend is doing, except worse, because it's taking place in real life with real flesh-and-blood women who might just take him up on whatever it is he's trying to offer them.
His attempts to send you on a guilt trip over your objection to his wishes to make new female friends? One giant smoke screen on his part. If he has you feeling guilty and crazy and wondering if you're in the wrong for trying to put the brakes on this, you're less likely to call him out and more likely to feel like you are in fact "overreacting"; that the problem is you. Meanwhile he carries on with whatever he's doing and you stay in the relationship.
Let me make a distinction here: it is not inappropriate for him to HAVE female friends that he already knows when he meets you. He doesn't have to drop meaningful friendships the minute he gets into a new relationship. But that's not what you're asking of him. You are simply asking that he not go out of his way to cultivate NEW friendships with women he doesn't already know, on outings where you are not included or welcome. And that is a perfectly reasonable request to make.
Frankly, he sounds manipulative and just plain shady in his behavior, and given the information in your follow-up I'm perplexed as to why you would stick around and put up with his BS.
I guarantee you deserve better.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 May 2015):
 STOP!!!!.... justifying what he did and LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF, AND YOUR INTERESTS!!!!!!
How far are you going to let him go before you reconcile to yourself that ALL OF THIS is inappropriate???????
Good luck..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your responses!Chigirl, you are right, there are some underlying issues. The thing is, we had been arguing the night before. We talked again and I found out he left the gym early to go home to wait to have dinner with this single male friend - let's call him J. My's boyfriend's usual routine is to go to the gym until 10-11pm, if he's hungry then he will meet up with J and eat nearby. Last night, he went home. When I called him, he said he was starving, but at home munching on food waiting for J to be available for dinner. I asked him why not just eat a full meal and he can munch on food and drink when J is available. He just kept saying that he is waiting for J to go out to eat. The whole thing didn't feel right to me. So I asked who is going and he said some people. I said it must be girls because I know that J has been trying to find a girlfriend for a long time now and he's always out with girls. My boyfriend's reaction to that was 'So what, so what if I want to go out and meet some female friends? There is nothing wrong with that.' I think that was the key to making this all so negative for me. He then went on to say that he doesn't care, he is going. He stopped texting me and refused to answer my calls. I kept calling him back, and he talked to me during his drive to the city, about 30mins away from his home. I told him he shouldn't be out with his single friend having dinner drinks or whatever they were doing with other single female. I said it's not because he can't meet other females and be friends, it's just with his guy.. I don't feel comfortable. He was recently out celebrating with a friend at the gym and the friend brought along his sister. My boyfriend went and asked for his sister's phone number. I didn't really have a problem with him asking for her number, but I asked why he would ask, he said he just asked and never intended to call her, so I was like then WHY did you even ask?? He couldn't answer. Then he went on to say oh I'm sorry I know that's wrong, I won't do that again. But my whole point is, he's in his 30's.. he should know, you don't go asking for girl's phone numbers when you are in a relationship. I told him I sure don't give out my numbers to guys cuz I know he won't appreciate it if I do.You know, the thing is.. I think I wouldn't have had a problem if he told me that J needed him to go support him and be his 'wingman'. If he didn't put up that attitude and told me in advance, I would've been OK. Because he did the same thing last year, not sure if the guy was J... but he was out with a guy and some girls at a dessert place being his 'wingman'. I'm sure he told me but he just didn't use the term 'wingman'.I keep telling him that it's his ACTIONS that make me weary.. I don't care how many times he tells me it's all so innocent and he won't do this and that. But when it comes down to it, it's the little reactions and actions from him that causes me be alert. I KNOW nothing happened last night.. but had I not been so 'clingy', I won't guarantee it as after dinner they had plans to go drinking.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (9 May 2015):
Nope, I don't think you are overreacting. The behavior you describe isn't appropriate for someone in a committed relationship and being someone's "wingman" isn't a valid excuse.
If the friend needs a wingman so badly (whatever happened to meeting women the old-fashioned way?) he should be approaching his single friends for the role. Or, if your boyfriend wants to BE a wingman so badly, the double dates (because that's what they are) should consist of YOU, him, his friend, and the friend's female target. Just because his friend wants a so-called wingman, does not give your boyfriend a get-out-of-jail-free card to go on dates with other women while acting in that capacity.
The fact that your boyfriend refuses to acknowledge your point on this doesn't bode well for his ability to set boundaries with other women while in a committed relationship with you.
His ONLY reaction at this point should be an apology and a promise not to pull this nonsense again. If he can't give you those things, it's probably time to start looking for a new boyfriend.
Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 May 2015):
I think you overreact because you're unfamiliar with the term wing-man. It's up to each and everyone how they determine it, and how they practice it, but the point is just that the wing man (or wing-woman) is your side kick when you go out looking for someone to hook up with (or potentially date even). Then wing man doesn't need to be single, and the purpose is not for the wing man to find a date or someone to hook up with either. The entire point for the wingman is to get their FRIEND a date or hook-up. The wing man is just helping out the single friend.
When you set a single friend of yours up on a date, or introduce her to a single man, you're being a wing woman. So now I hope you understand what it means.
And there are more things required for something to count as a double date other than two pairs of people. They need to be in relationships, and when none of the ones who went out were in a relationship, it wasn't a double date, it wasn't even a single date.
I don't understand why you think your boyfriend went out to find new single female friends? Yes, that wouldn't be okay with me either, but being someones wing man doesn't mean you're out to find single friends for yourself.
I do wonder though, if this reaction of yours isn't because of something else. Often when I find myself reacting to things that by themselves are NOT a cause for reaction, it is because there is an underlying issue. And in the light of this underlying issue, the matter at hand looks very different. For example, you said your boyfriend went out.. and you didn't go. Why's that? You weren't invited? Is there some history there as to why you weren't supposed to come along? Is there some history between your boyfriend and either of these other women he went with? Has your boyfriend cheated before? Have you been cheated on before?
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (9 May 2015):
 You are not overreacting. Perhaps under reacting because he has no business being a filler for a double date irrespective of the circumstance. If anything, that friend could have double dated with you and your BF. In case his friend was dumb then, in the least, your BF should have declined the invite.
Now that the thing has happened, I think all you can do is make sure it does not happen again. Be sure you clear that with your BF, forgive him for what was done and NEVER bring it back up because it is forgiven.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 May 2015):
I think that this: "...that since he is already in a committed relationship with me.." ...sounds like you are teasing yourself about what REALLY is the "relationship" between you and your "boyfriend."
You are UNDERreacting if your don't tell your "boyfriend" that you expect such activities to STOP.... NOW.... and not be repeated in the future. IF'n he sez "No way".. THEN you know that he's really NOT your kind of "boyfriend"....and you can let him go....
Good luck...
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