A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I really like this guy and he used to really like me but now I'm feel so sad that I have lost him forever. We first hit off and the meeting was quite magical. When we started conversing over the phone, he asked me if I wanted to mess around with him or marriage. I told him that I don't mess around; I regret this saying this because I just wanted a serious relationship with him. He expressed his sexual desires for me and I thought he was the one so I did as well. He used to throw the prospects of marriage on me and he also said that he wasn't a player either. He has been through several relationships and his last one ended 5 years ago. My mom and my aunt dislike him because they think he tries to take advantage of girls and that he doesn't love anyone else but himself. However, there have been quite a lot of cancelled dates between us and he has abused me quite significantly. He likes to call me a liar even though he has lied in the past himself. Like once he was supposed to come to my house on Valentines Day and he didn't because he went to Cardiff to be with another woman. Another time he was supposed to meet me at work for lunch. He never came around because his company was being taken over by another company. He has also insulted and abused me significantly several times in the past. I feel that this is my fault because I should have just asked him to take me seriously and that maybe if he did, I wouldn't be continually abused or insulted. This has left me emotionally battered and I just wanted a happy and healthy relationship with him. However, we did start meeting recently before I left to work in a faraway place. His abuse and our cancelled dates have made me find him unapproachable and has also made me feel quite insecure. For this reason, I snooped on his phone. I did somehow end up talking to one of his female friends but I never hurled her with any insults and I was always kind and friendly to her. He has been on my Facebook account before to see who I talked to. He has also had a brief glimpse of my inbox messages. He has also started asking me about my financial information (e.g. my salary, my bank balance) and he also asked me if I wanted to marry him at some point. I thought this meant that he was getting serious about me. Recently, I found out that he had been travelling to different places with this other woman who claims that she is in love with him. From his phone, I found out that was still in contact with her. I feel so upset because I just wanted him to take me seriously and have an amazing relationship with him. I confronted him about all of this because I was scared. At the same time when he was with this woman, he was still meeting me and he was still expressing his sexual desires with me. We have also met after he came back home after seeing her. He told me that she and him were sex partners initially and then told me that they still talk to each other because they like each other. He also stated that their relationship is complicated and that it's none of my business as I am not his girlfriend. However, he stated that he is not going to wait for her because she lives in Brazil and she would be there for the next 2-3 years. He acts like it is justified that he did this because I'm not his girlfriend. What is worse is that he turned the tables on me by calling me a liar and a stalker and that I invaded his privacy. He has threatened to take legal action against me and that I'm only allowed to message him once a week and that he will respond when he wants to.I have never been unkind to him or his female friends. My mom, my aunt and I think that I am innocent and that I've done nothing wrong. The truth is that I only did this because I was scared and insecure about us. I am a harmless person who just wanted a happy relationship between me and him. I feel bad to invading his privacy and I would never do it again if it meant invoking his wrath. I am harmless and innocent; he has abused me several times in the past by calling me names and stating that he wants slap me. He also states that she could find a boyfriend over there so he will not pursue a relationship with her at this time. He then stated that he hates me and that he regrets ever meeting me. I'm incredibly sad because I just wanted a happy and healthy relationship with him. Is it all my fault that I didn't tell him that I want a serious relationship? Will he never come back and is he going to hate me forever? Is he only abusive towards me because he doesn't take me seriously? Will he treat her much more nicely and has she already won him over? Will he ever come back and will things ever get resolved between the both of us? How do I get him back?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys,Just an update on the situation: I'm going to move on from him. I've just started and I'm not going back to him because I deserve so much better than him. I'm going to focus on making myself a better person and I'm going to win at life!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys! I feel kind of better about this situation now. I just feel sad that he's gonna go like this and he's never gonna like me back but it's okay. I'm going to move on from him and ignore him from now onwards; so far I'm starting to move on from him. It will take a little while but I'm sure I will get there in the end. I have a feeling that he abused his past ex girlfriends because he abused me in the past. He's gonna abuse other women too right? (Don't think that he'll get therapy at some see Tage because I know he thinks he is RIGHT)
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2015): I'm going to give it to you straight. He sounds like a prick and you're falling all over him like a 16 year-old school girl. You're not displaying any intelligence, you're behaving most immaturely; and you're so infatuated, you are on the brink of being foolish.
That's my take, and I'm going to hand you some tough-love. I'm not going to dance around with this nonsense.
If you behave like you're dense and so totally infatuated with a guy, he'll play you like a cheap fiddle. That is because he thinks you're dumb. There is no doubt in my mind that this guy thinks you're dumb. Then you go and reinforce his lowly opinion of you by letting him off the hook; when you've caught him a few times involved with other women.
It's an old players trick to get women competing over him.
Meanwhile, he's in the middle and enjoying every minute of it. Every move you make inflates his ego. Knowing two females are fighting over him, and he's not worth a sh*t!
You're a bit of a drama-queen, and seem to be enjoying how he jerks you around; and you come crawling back for more of it. You were told to stop blaming yourself?
Seriously?!!
Everything he does is with your permission.
I totally disagree you have not fault in this. You're letting him dick you around. All because you're trying to hang on to him, in spite of how he behaves and treats you. That's not how you gain respect from a man.
Then after allowing him to dick you around, you feel sorry for yourself. Grow a pair...please!
Girlfriend, what is wrong with you?!!!
You've had your messy little love-affair,and he told you right from the start he just wanted to fool around. He knows you're stuck on him, so he drags you around on one leg like a child begging for daddy not to leave. Oh, I'm going to make you straighten your back when I'm done with responding to this. Time to grow-up!
Sweetheart, toss your hair and straighten your skirt. Repossess your heart, regain your dignity, and toss this one aside.
He will never be what you want him to be, and he is toying with your affections; because he knows you've got it bad for him. You'd let him walk all over you, just as long as he sticks around. Baby-girl, there's always that one guy who can do that to us. He's hard to let go. I've been there too, sweetie. I've learned that is beneath my dignity and too much of an insult to my intelligence. No penis is worth my self-respect and self-esteem. No matter how cute he is, or rich, or sexy. He's got to reciprocate what you feel for him, or you're wasting your time and energy. Destroying yourself from the inside out in the process.
You've got to stop looking at this through rose-tinted glasses, and see it for what it is. You've got yourself a player. You are up there in la-la land, in-love with being in-love, and too oblivious to the reality of it all.
Now read this!
He's playing your for a fool. He's seeing other women. You're making all the effort to make it work, and you're looking like a nincompoop in the process. Just stop!
Time to yank your heart out of his hands, and put on your big-girl pants. You had your little fling, now time to grow-up and pull away before he makes you a hot mess.
That's my opinion. Kick his royal hind-parts to the curb!
Pronto!
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (8 December 2015):
 Do you guys think that he will come back as well?
Why would you want him back? If the tables were turned, and he was a woman, I'd be glad and happy he ran away from me because, otherwise, I would have to run. You should stop being hung up on someone who shows you no love. If he shows no love, he deserves no love from you. Nor is that other woman a concern of yours because him picking to run with her probably means that he has exhausted his abuse on you and needs a new victim. Take some time away from dating and let that time get him out of your head. Then find a man who will love you back.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 December 2015):
 So he chose her over you ?... lucky you !! Poor her !
He used to abuse you verbally and emotionally, he lied to you, made a fool out of you, treated you awfully in general---- why would you want him back ??! Are you such a glutton for punishment ?...
I get it that you just wanted to have a happy relationship, but it takes two ! and he obviously did not want to have a happy relationship with you, and you cannot MAKE him want that. So even IF he should come back , he would be back just for giving you more abuse. You cannot make a silk purse out of a pig's ear, you know ?
I think it's high time that you start loving yourself and respecting yourself quite a bit more than you do now, and that you realize how,by pining for your abuser and wishing for him to be back, you are offending yourself and disrespecting your own life more than what your worst enemy could do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you all think that he will treat the other woman better? Or any other woman better for that matter? I just feel so sad because it's like he chose her over me and then he's going out with other women :'( Do you guys think that he will come back as well?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers guys! I'm still feeling awful about doing this to my guy friend though. I just wish that he would come soon. Wise Owl, if you're reading this, please help me. I feel so bad for snooping through his phone and talking to his friend...
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys! I'm just going to be really upset now because I've lost my friend like this. I just wanted a happy relationship. My heart is broken because of this.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 December 2015):
 Guys will say ANYTHING - I repeat, ANYTHING - to get a girl to put out for them. Makes no difference if there is ANY truth to - or, behind - what they are saying....
You, are learning this now. Secure the details in your memory, and don't fall for such hollow promises - and/or encouragements - in the future...
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2015): Oh my love! I'm so sorry that you are learning this lesson so early on, but better to learn it now, and you'll be better equipped for other relationships later on.Listen to me and listen very well...this man is abusive, very abusive. What this means is that they will never have a good relationship with anyone, they don't want what you perceive to be a good, healthy, happy relationship. What they want is a woman who is subservient, obedient, quiet, too scared to answer back or assert themselves. They will make it their business to remove any confidence or self esteem you ever had in order to achieve your obedience. Can you hear what you're saying? 'I am only allowed (ALLOWED!)to message him once a week and he will respond when he likes. He is laughing up his sleeve at you and probably getting a sexual kick out of your subservience and is now dreaming up all kinds of scenarios to make you more unhappy, insecure and humiliated.Please listen to your Mum and your Auntie. They know about this kind of thing, most women get to learn it at some point in their life if they have been involved with men or know women who are. They often don't realise what is going on. They often don't realise it's called abuse. Emotional abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse (name calling, shouting, making you scared)and most often physical abuse will follow. You will learn all about this if you're wise. There are plenty of books out there on the subject which will teach you exactly what it is you are experiencing. You will recognise what your 'boyfriend' is doing to you and help you to understand that his agenda is not and never will be a caring, loving, healthy and harmonious relationship. Far from it. You and any other woman is viewed by an abusive man as their property. That they get to treat you any way they like and think they are entitled to do so. Please get away from him as a matter of some urgency. Your inexperience and innocence scream at me from the pages. I really don't mean to be patronising, I'm worried for you. You said your first meeting was magical (and Wise Owl, I hope you're reading this). Abusive men live behind a façade of chivalry, charm, personality, sexiness to get you to think they're wonderful and that anything bad that happens from therein is your fault. They will tell you this on numerous occasions. As I said there are numerous books out there to help get this message home and I have read them all and suffered an abusive father and three abusive relationships before I understood what was going on. Please read above all other books 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. He is an amazing man who worked with abusive men for fifteen years and during that time got to learn from them all their abusive tactics and attitudes to women (which you will not change). Once you have read this book, your current problem with this foul man will have reached its natural conclusion as I'm guessing you do not actively want to be treated this way. I repeat to you that he will never have a normal, healthy, happy relationship because that is not what he wants. I also ask you again to read the above mentioned book. It will put you out of your misery. All the best x
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (6 December 2015):
This is ABSOLUTELY not your fault! This dude is a player and a rather confused man who does not know what he wants. Moreover, I'd say that he is rather a narcissist because why else do you ask someone you don't care about (which is you) whether you want to marry him? His need for an ego boost knows no bounds ... and you need to stay away from him.
In fact, consider yourself lucky that he hasn't done more damage to you in various ways.
Therefore, stop blaming yourself and look for ways to forget this guy.
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