A
male
age
41-50,
*osmicDust
writes:I don't know how to put this as a question: I just want to know if I'm not alone in the way that I feel? My story: I'm a 31-year-old guy and still a virgin. I am deeply pained - being a virgin at 31 feels like a stigma and to a large extent it inhibits me when I'm around women.I've never been lucky with the women in my life, and all of my past dates / relationships have dissolved at the moment when it felt like things were actually going somewhere. I have always wanted my first time to be with The One - I'm a hapless romantic who wears his heart on his sleeve. But as you now already know, this hasn't worked out and as time has worn on it has only left me feeling even more inadequate.After serious consideration, I have decided that I will lose my virginity to a prostitute in the Netherlands. I just cannot wait any longer. Has anyone an experience of this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): I am exactly like you 31 year old virgin nervous, shy, very sentive person. Live on my own. Quite good looking but really scared and nervous around girls. I have had friends that are girls about two but I have lost touch with them. I am even scared of chatting to woman on the Internet. I have just have not taken the chances I have had in talking to woman. I just say a few words to them and then nothing. Just like you I am thinking of going to a prostitute.
A
male
reader, Htsn47  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 So, just so you know I know what you are feeling: I lost my virginity at 37.I think the decision to lose your virginity to a prostitute is not a sound one. It seems like you are doing it just to get it over with, in the (mistaken) belief that something will magically change in your life after you've had sex. It won't: mostly likely you'll still have the same issues you have with women, because your sexual experience will be one you paid for, not "earned". The confidence boost you are associating with sex comes from the knowledge that someone thought of you that way, and wanted you. It's not merely the act, it's the idea that the other person found you desirable. You won't get that feeling with a prostitute. Not having had sex is not the end of the world. Sure, it's frustrating. And it can be embarrassing, or make you wonder if something is wrong with you. It isn't, it just hasn't happened for you yet. That's OK.It's a horrible cliche, but it'll happen when it's meant to happen. And it'll will be so much better than with someone you have no bond with.So I'd say your "drastic solution" is not the best one. It'll end the issue of being a virgin, but I suspect you'll still have all the other problems that are bothering you. And then you'll have added a skeleton to your closet to boot.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 October 2011):
 Dear poster, please ignore the foolish comment by the male anon who said that sex will not be special for a sexually experienced woman. Sex is never about times you do it, nor does it become less special by each time you do it.... Sex is special to every person when they themselves feel that sex is special. There are plenty of virgins who do NOT find sex to be anything special and so go ahead and have sex the very first chance they get.
This idea that sex loses it's significance over time is completely rubbish. When you have sex with someone you love and who loves you back it WILL be special for the BOTH of you, regardless of number of sexual partners.
Please, do not listen to such ignorant talk, some people do not know what they are talking about, or maybe they themselves do not think of sex as anything special and so believe that no one else can find it special....
My point was not to move along and find someone to sleep with before you are comfortable with having sex. It is perfectly acceptable to kiss some frogs without going sexual with them, and find out if there can be feelings developed, before you jump in the sack. Even mature and sexually experience women will want to wait with sex until a relationship, with feelings, has been developed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): I was basically in the same situation at your age. This might sound harsh, but you are not going to find "the one". Every man and woman on this planet has a lot of faults. To my mind, a successful relationship is more about learning to accept a person with their faults than it is about finding someone without faults. As you have probably realized by now, the odds of finding someone at your age who is also a virgin and shares your values are essentially zero. That's just reality, there's no point wallowing around in mamby-pamby land.The woman you eventually settle for will more than likely be quite experienced sexually, and sex for her will not be "special" like it is for you (right now, anyway). She's out there having lots of fun with other frogs right now, as you should be. A hooker doesn't really seem like your best option, however. Start aggressively looking for women to have sex with, even ones you don't find to be very attractive, or want to have a serious relationship with. Like chigirl said, the key is to do lots of frogs and get some experience under your belt. If you try to make sex out to be something "special", you're just setting yourself up for even more disapointment down the road. The goal is to make sex less special by doing it with lots of women. Paradoxically, that is the key. If you make sex out to be a big deal, you'll end up settliing for a woman who is otherwise far from your best option. Once you remove "specialness" (AKA sexual inexperience) from your list of qualifications, you open a lot of much better options in terms of who you settle for (research has consistently shown that we all settle, anyone who says different is just kidding themselves).More attractive women have virtually unlimited opportunities for sex, and your odds of finding an attractive woman with very little sexual experience are so low it's not worth your time thinking about. Lower your standards as far as you have to in order to get over the initial hurdle. There will always be unattractive, desperate women out there. If you think that's beneath you, it's still above going to a hooker. Going to a hooker means you couldn't find anyone who would have sex with you, whereas going for a woman you're not really attracted to just means you had to lower your standards significantly like everyone else in the real world. But, unless you have both agreed up front it's just casual sex or a FWB situation, drop them if they start acting like they have feelings for you. It's not fair to string a woman along if you're just in it for sex and you don't think she's very attractive to begin with. In today's world, ya gotta do a lot of frogs to find the 100 or so not-so-special frogs you think you might be able to tolerate doing for the rest of your life. So man up there soldier, and start doing some frogs!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 September 2011):
 I really do not see it as bad that you are still a virgin. One of my friends was 19 when she married her 32 year old boyfriend. They are still together. And it is very fortunate that he was not bothered that his 19 year old bride had far more experience than him.
They went on to successfully marry, have two children, and are still very happy.
And he likes to joke that he learn all about sex from his wife. And I think that maybe that is true.
ChiGirl has give you very good advice.
Visiting a Prostitute will achieve nothing.
Get out and meet women. Delight them by asking them out for a meal.
Get involved in volunteer work in the community where you can meet men and woman in a social setting.
Find out where are the venues in your city where people in your age group meet? Ask a friend to accompany you if you are not sure. Observe all the girls before you try to strike up a conversartion. Some girls are mean, I agree. But most women are delighted if a man behaves like a gentleman, strikes up a conversation, asks for their phone number and follows up with an invitation to lunch one day the following week.
You may have to approach 100 women to find The ONE. Or you may get lucky and find a delightful girl early in your search. Be patient. Give it time. And you will forge a Real Relationship and being a virgin will be be more.
And in the meantime find a copy of 'The Joy of Sex" on Amazon and read it cover to cover several times
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 September 2011):
Ah, this question "should I lose my virginity to a prostitute" is so common it is, excuse me, bordering cliché. You can search our archives for "virgin prostitute" and find houndreds of answers and all the pro's and con's and what women will think of you if you do. So no, you are definitely not alone. And I won't repeat all those answers here. Instead I will question why a prostitute appears as some solution to you, when it barely is one.
You always wanted your first time to be with The One. Did you want to wait until you were married? If so, you do know that many do not marry until they are in their 30'ties, and men marry later than women. But there's a problem within wanting The One upfront (not based on you personally, just an idea). You don't want to kiss any frogs to find your princess, you want the princess right away! And when you want the princess right away, and you have a pretty fair view of how your princess is, you do not settle for what you perceive to be "second best". And ironically, you do not get the relationship experience needed to recognize your princess, nor do you learn how to treat her or how to communicate with her, so that you and her can live blissfully ever after.
Life isn't like in fairly tales, you don't magically meet The One and then everything is fireworks and riding off into the sunset. If you never had a relationship before and then enter one, you are bound to hit a ton of bumps, and bound to learning a whole new way of behaving. Because you need to adjust from being single to being in a relationship. This gets harder with age.
A prostitute will never teach you this. So a prostitute will not make you more able to have a relationship. You lay a lot of emphasis on your virginity, but am I fair to assume that what you really want isn't getting laid, but having a relationship?
Getting sex wont make it easier to have a relationship. I understand you feel a stigma, but remember that YOU made the choice to stay virgin until you found The One. She just didn't appear as fast as you wanted her to. It was a choice, not an unwanted burden, to be a virgin. But seeing as princesses don't drop from trees, I think the alternative solution to you is to kiss some frogs and see what happens. In other words, dating and settling for a relationship with a woman you don't think is your princess, will, weird as it might sound, do you more good than being with a prostitute. That way you get to learn about relationships, and you can maintain your virginity while learning about a relationship. Maybe you discover that the woman you are with truly is a princess, or maybe she isn't, but at least you'll learn about relationships and how to recognize The One.
When desperate, there are other alternatives to a prostitute. Just wanted to let you know that. Say prostitution wasn't available (like for women, there aren't many male prostitutes to lose our virginities to, so maybe that's why I prefer optional solutions..) what would you do then? "Living alone forever" isn't an option! What is your goal, and how can you get there? Map out the different ways.
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