A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am an american women dating a turkish guy. We have been talking off and on for the past two years. He comes to virginia beach, virginia every summer on a work visa. We were introdued through texting by my brother which is good friends with my boyfriend. We finally got to meet this summer on vacation in virginia beach. We fell for each other instanlty. We want to get married and hes willing to live together in virgina beach because thats what i want. Do you think its a good idea to go through with all this?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 July 2012):
 I think you should go about this as you would go about any other relationship. His nationality doesn't necessarily have to play any part in it. I think you should ask him about the cultural differences though, and get a good look into what he would expect from a wife. Does he want children? Do you? How does he intend to raise these children? What religion does he belong to, is it the same as yours? When dating outside of your culture it is a good idea to look deep into the others culture, to be aware of what differences there are.
I've dated med from different nationalities. 3 out of 4 boyfriends of mine were from a different country. There most definitely ARE cultural differences. And these differences can create problems later on, if you're not made aware of them so you can work out a plan on how to deal with them.
In my experience Turkish men are very traditional, and conservative. They might go out and flirt, clubbing etc, but they don't want their women to. And they don't want their women to run around in short skirts etc. Each man is an individual, but checking into his culture and what is "normal" for them in their home country is recommended. For example, I've been in relationships with Russian men, and they marry young, want their women to look like diva's, and are used to the woman running the household while they work. They're raised to be the "man of the house". This can be a good thing, if that's what you're looking for.
As for marrying.. I do realize that being together/dating is difficult when he lives in another country. But try to spend at least 2-3 months together at some point BEFORE you decide to marry. Seeing him every day, as opposed to a few months each year, is a big change. You wont know if you are good together until you've had the chance to see him every day for a longer period of time. When I was in a long distance relationship with an American, things went downhill extremely fast once we moved in together and lived together for 3 months (tourist visas for Norwegians in USA is 3 months). The little problems we had before were suddenly HUGE problems. The little fights we'd have on chats and skype were suddenly very scary, as it turned out he was an aggressive man who was very threatening.
I'm not saying your boyfriend is a bad person, but I am saying that until you've been with him, in person, for a longer period of time... you don't know if he's good or bad. I thought my boyfriend was the greatest! Turned out he was the biggest a-hole I've ever dated! But you just don't know these things until you've spent more time together.
The worst thing you can do is marry a man and later find out he's nothing like what you thought, be miserable, and then have to struggle with a difficult divorce.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (31 July 2012):
 Why not? Just make sure he isn't just wanting a permanent citizenship in this country and you are his meal ticket.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (31 July 2012):
 He's 'willing' to live in Virginnia Beach instead of Turkey because that's what YOU want? Really?
That sounds an awful lot like 'Fine I'll let you pay my bills and massage my feet every night, but only because it's what YOU want.'
The only way to be reasonably certain he isn't using you is to be with him when he doesn't need you. And even if you do marry what about kids? Does the US have some kind of custody/extradition agreement?
Cultural differences may be exotic and exciting while you're dating but they can become a big issue when you're trying to build a life together and bring children into the picture.
To be honest, no, I don't think this is a good idea. If he already was a US citizen and had lived there and had assimilated for several years, MAYBE, but definitely not under these conditions.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 July 2012):
 You are wondering if this is a good idea and I think you mean will thi work out and be a lasting relationship that brings you and him long term happiness. You know more of the variables than the Aunts and Uncles on DearCupid. And there are many variables that affect the answer.Just physical attraction alone is not always a good indicator of long term success. and a new romance has the novelty factor as well.So here are some additional questions that might help deliver more accurate advice. You are in your 30s. What is his age and has he been married before.What work will he be able to do 12 months of the year in your area.Could you ask him to visit a couple more times before you rush into marriage. Because there are more variables to consider such as:What are your attitudes and his attitudes to a whole range of issues that can derail relationships. Once the relationship develops: 1. Does he want children or not want children2. Does he have any child or children from a previous relationship and does he support that child or those children financially and emotionally3. If you already have a child or children how does he relate to that child.4. How does he handle money and what are his attitudes to staying on a budget and meeting his obligations.5. Does he have any issues from his past that you should know about6. How well does he get on with his family - this is often an indicator of many possible issues but take special note if he does not get on well with anyone in his family7. Does he ever get particularly tetchy, irritated or impatient? These behaviours can escalate into something more if prominent enough in his personality8. Is he punctual or does he keep you waiting.9. Has he ever failed to do what he promised he would do.10 Does he sometimes seem too good to be true? If yes then please remove your rose coloured spectacles. Please?I do not feel one summer is enough to know a person. He would be on his best behaviour on a visit. A few more visits and the real man would appear. Now that real man might be utterly perfect and that will be good.Or little issues might arise that need to be resolved and ironed out before you proceed. No one is 100% perfect. You can still marry a person who is not perfect in every way (most of us do:)But it is important to be aware and forewarned about the red flags that we should consider.There is no rush. Take your time to be sure.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 July 2012):
 You don't know much about this guy but time is pressing because he couldn't stay long as an immigrant. I can't say all turkish guys here are only for the visa and they can't love, but this is a risk you are willing to take. You have to check with immigration about what documents you need to keep him, how long does the process take, how can you sponsor him, etc, then make your decision. Prepare a list of questions to ask this turkish guy to see how genuine he is. His philosophy in life, how much he likes children, his career goals, what he likes about you. I also think it's a wise idea to sign a prenup. Honestly I would only marry him if I am filthy rich and no matter what outcome I am prepared to accept it. How much you can afford to lose only you would know.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 July 2012):
 This is a hard one to comment on, especially when it is so popular that some people are just wanting a visa in to America. Although you say he is really good friends with your brother so why not talk to him about it and see what he thinks? Also if you have only both had one meeting I think personally that it might be to soon to start talking about marriage. Yes I am aware the distance makes it difficult but still I think you should take your time and get to know him properly before jumping in to marriage.
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