A
female
age
41-50,
*ant trust
writes:hello out there really need to hear others advice...soooo please help...i wrote a while back about me and my husband having problems and he went outside our marriage and had a affair with another woman (no they didn't have sex but talked, txted alot, and kissed.He was really honest with me and since then its been about 2 months and things have been great and we really feel like things are back to what they were but there are still days where i get so mad at him and of course i worry alot.. my question is.. Is this normal? And should i question him about her when im feeling this way? He doesnt want me to bring it up but it still hurts so bad...thanks
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (15 May 2010):
 Yes I think it's completely normal and if he really wants your marriage to work then he's going to have to accept that you cant completely trust him for a while. That's the price you pay when you stray. Show him this answer.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): I guess it depends on how you found out. Did he tell you? or did you find out another way?
I have been in a similar situation. He broke up with me, then told me why. He reluctantly talked about it with me and we found the cause of the problem was alcohol.
Since then, he gave up drinking for a while and now only drinks 4 light beers at a time.
I guess the point I'm trying to get at is, he made a terrible mistake - sometimes you have to make mistakes to learn from them.
He needs to let you know he knows it's not ok, it won't happen ever again and how he's going to make it up to you. He at least owes you that.
From experience, It's important once you have decided to forgive that person, that you stick to it and not to constantly bring it up - chances are he feels terrible too.
I have thoughts about him doing it again, but I tell myself 'regardless of how much I worry - the outcome is going to be the same'. If he was honest enough to tell me the first time, hopefully he will again.
If he does do it again, and he knows he's on notice, then I'm better off without him. Trust can be regained, but it takes time and effort from both parties.
Hope you can work it out, I know it's a horribe feeling!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): I don't condone cheating. Everybody has weak moments and everybody makes mistakes, we are all human after all. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that they only kissed once, (maybe more, but basically he realized that it was wrong and stopped it, yes?)
Naturally its going to be hard to trust him again and its up to him to help regain your trust. This doesn't mean that you should be intentionally difficult, but its totally normal if you're getting more angry at him than normal. At the end of the day though, he was really honest with you and that's a really admirable trait that you shouldn't take for granted.
If you start punishing him for being honest then its just going to teach him to start lying to avoid punishment. The fact that he's been totally honest with you should tell you that he's serious about being with you. No guy wants to admit his mistakes and short-comings unless he absolutely has to... its bloody hard to do! He wants to be with you!
Its only been 2 months so its still normal to be cautious/suspicious, just don't make this an unforgiveable offence. If he thinks that you're never going to let it go and never going to forgive him then he'll leave/cheat because there's no point in even trying. He doesn't want you to bring it up because it hurts him too, (its just reminding him of a mistake that he made). If you dropped a plate on the floor, apologised, felt guilty etc, you wouldn't want to be reminded about it a week later would you? Different severity sure, but hopefully you get the point.
Is he still in contact with this woman? If not then you shouldn't bring up her name. Test his love for sure, but don't, don't, don't bring up her name cos it'll just annoy the hell out of him after a while.
But thats just my 2 cents :)
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, anmeer  +, writes (15 May 2010):
dear lady when you man has been honest you need not worry but it is important to tell him that once the tust is lost it is the end of the road for a relationship.you need to be calm and think positive.you should also try to bring change in your love life because sex is one of the base for a happy marrried life.so dear think positive and take some time to pray.god bless
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