A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I lived together for about 3 months and he left me a month ago. A very brief summary how he left and I called it a "flee away." He texted me via my cell phone while I was at work telling me that his father had a stroke and his mother asked him to fly over to Hawaii asap. The next message told me that he was at the airport and he will call me when he lands in Hawaii. He called me when he was at the airport (according to him) for about 15 minutes. The next morning, I received a text message knowing that his father was stable.I replied to his text message a couple of times and also called his phone = no answer from him. The next day I wrote him an email telling him I tried to text and call but no answerfrom him, hope everything is alright and please let me know how I can help him with anything.It took him 3 days to respond to my email. In the email, he said that he is sorry that hehasn't called or emailed, he has been under a lot of stress, his father will need full timehome care and it has fallen on him to do it, none of his siblings are helping out yet.He doesn't know how long his job will allow emergency family leave; he thinks he will losehis job if he's away for extended periods of time. He will take it one week at a time.He also said that he confessed that he has a bad communication problem - when he's stressed,he tends to withdraw and not communicate. He thinks it's not nice or fair to me that he islike that. He said sorry and he is aware of it.I replied to his email within a day = still no response from him and that was the last timeI heard from him. I waited another 2 weeks and mailed him a hand-written letter to his P.OBox. In my letter, I did not mention anything about how he left me so unexpectedly and that wasa shock to me. I was very calm, kind and very sincere in my wordings asking him how is hisfather doing and if there's anything I can help with please let me know. Also, in my letter Ishared with him how exactly I felt when I received his text message knowing that his fatherwas in critical life-threatening condition. I ran to a Catholic praying room (at work)kneeling down with my head in my hands and my teary eyes asking Jesus and Virgin Marywhatever it takes his father will only get better. He knows that I am not a Catholic but Ibelieve in any religion as long as you have a good heart..............................When we first met, my boyfriend told me that he worked as a web consultant for a big company in the States and world wide for about 6 years and that is also where my sister has been working for over 6 years. During our engaging conversations, I just slipped the information that my sister also works at the samecompany as he does. Six to seven weeks later, he told me that they were out of projects forhim as a consultant therefore he will need to search for another job. It took him a little over2 weeks to be accepted as a temp working in also a big world-wide company. After 2 weeks working at his new job, I gently asked him a few questions about his new job. When I mentioned about his first pay stub, his reaction was very strange and we argued a bit thatnight. About 1 week later after our talk about his new job, he disappeared until now.On the third day after he left, my intuition told me something was not right. I went and checked his stuff; I found out that he already took most stuff with him. He left behind things that I bought him and did not take anything from my house. He even fixed my bike forme before he left.I introduced him to everyone in my family. We had Xmas dinner at my house. On the opposite, I don't know anyone in his family or his relatives even though he has a lot of relatives in town. I have a loving, supportive family and that is what he has been wishing for. From reading his oldest brother's book, who is a recipient of a lot of awards winning, I figuredout that my boyfriend grew up in a dysfunctional family and I don't want to go furtherinformation here. When we had engaging conversations, he told me that he appreciated me for who I am; a nice, kind, sincere, caring, considerate and a gentle person which he really wants tobe with since he hadn't has enough of these traits growing up in his family.To me, this is his plan and I have a lot of thoughts about it. It has to do with self-confidence, self-esteem, trust, truth, deceifulness, etc. I will leave those alone, else it would take another 3 pages.In the mean time, I want to do something to hopefully pull him back in hope to have a heart to heart talk with him. I don't want to do something wrong that might hurt the other person when everything is not totally clear. What if his father was very ill and has been sicked until now? What if my boyfriend realizedthat this is the best solution for him to leave in silence without a trace so I have no clueswhere to find or contact him? What if he's taking his time to find a better solution for him while he's away from me? What if he's coming back in 3-4 months since he still have his stuff at my house? etc.My intention is to try the reverse psychology and ignore what has been happening, but try tocontact him by writing him a hand-written letter in hope making him to re-think about the whole situation but let him make his decision. What suggestions do you have for me as what I should mention in my next hand-written letter to him? I really care for him.On the side notes, my boyfriend is a responsible, kind and caring person. When we lived together, he was a very considerate person paying attention to what needs to be done, very thoughtful and an organized person.Thanks for your time and please share your thoughts. Please keep in mind that this is a very sensitive matter.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): This is so obvious I can't believe you're deluding yourself. This man is not interested in you. It takes 10 seconds to text someone. If he wanted to hold on to you he would make some kind of effort. The excuses you are making for him are ridiculous throughout your "relationship". Move on! I don't know whether his stories are true or false, but stop pestering him and get a life. Don't waste any more time pussyfooting around this emotional retard.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 March 2011):
 If his father was on the deathbed, and he is now experiencing life altering changes, what do you think is more important? Sending an e-mail and thinking of a girl you just got together with, or your family, father and your whole career? If the story is actually true the man has tons of things to deal with at the moment, not to forget he's in a different country! Who knows why he isn't contacting you, but didn't he state that he wasn't good with contact when he was stressed out?Sure, it wouldn't be too hard to send an e-mail every now and then, but it's understandable that he doesn't. This situation should be about him and his family, and instead you are making it about you and some e-mails he should have sent. You are not his top priority at the moment. And while I think the significant other should always be top priority, you and him only were together for 3 months before this happened, and this is a very unique scenario. You're not his wife, he doesn't have an obligation to keep you posted, and how much of a life together had you began to plan? Did you love each other and told each other? At what stage was your relationship? Was it was still in the beginning stages? If so that means you will not be on the top of his priorities when other things, such as family, need him. If this is unacceptable to you then good luck on trying to find another man who will put you first even when his father has a stroke, he needs to fly to another country, he might be giving up his career, and he is the only person who sits with the responsibility of his father after the stroke. Or is a man who prioritized you in such a scenario really someone you'd want to be with? I think your man is making the right choice: focusing on his father and his life. Unless you are a part of his family already then you will come second, and you should come second. A man who prioritize you over family is not a man who will be attached to his family in the future either, and I'd question his ability to be a good father for one, and his ability to be loyal to family and also his level of responsibility.I don't think this is about you worrying if he dumped you. I think this is about you wanting to be the center of his attention, and when you find that you aren't it is easier for you to throw your hands in the air and say "he dumped me", rather than saying "I don't come first". But what you should know is that it is no offense to you that you don't come first in this case. Put yourself in his shoes. This plain and simple isn't about you. This isn't about you not getting e-mails. This is about you not being able to wait for him, be patient, and not give him even more stress. Do you want to be the girlfriend, or wife, who stands by her man, who the man can trust to be there for him even in rough times? Or do you want to be the one who bails as soon as things aren't rosy red and he needs support, rather than pampering you, and who makes a big drama about it to get the attention?This is a special scenario. If he disappeared often, or for less legit reasons, then it's fair to say you shouldn't be with him. But this is sort of once in a lifetime thing. Plain and simple though, this isn't the best of times for him. If he's able to have a girlfriend now Im not sure, and he certainly wont be able for a while to have a normal relationship where you just enjoy each other and focus on each other. There is a lot of uncertainty regarding what will happen next. There's no saying a relationship is what he needs right now, or something he is able to maintain. However, I suggest that you wait with having the "relationship talk" about where this is going until things calm themselves down and you get to talk to him. If he's experiencing a lot of stress don't add to it by breaking up with him in an e-mail or letter, or insinuate that he's lying about his father and is just ditching you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your time and your suggestion. If you read between the lines, it has been a month and there was no contact from him. If he really wants, at least he needs to make effort to communicate. What are your inputs?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your time and your suggestion. If you read carefully between the lines...he left a month ago and there was totally NO contact!!! except an email. At least, he needs to make effort to communicate.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 March 2011):
If the link doesn't work search for this on youtube:
While I was Away: Girlfriend Doesn't Realize Boyfriend is on Vacation
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 March 2011):
I have only this to say to you, please watch this video. It reminds me of your situation.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg-heCy0CbQ
Don't get offended, but perhaps it will put things in perspective. You really need to trust in your boyfriend and give him a chance without jumping into paranoia. Chill. Let him sort things out. Be patient. Don't get paranoid. If he really left you you'll soon find out, until then trust in him or you will surely have lost this relationship.
Once I wrote a guy a handwritten letter and sent it in the mail. It took 2 months or so to get to him. Letters go poof in the mail. This is what you should write in your next letter to him, or better yet, e-mail, as you have no guarantee the letters are actually being received: "My thoughts are with you. I will be here for you when you come back, and if there is anything I can do to help I want you to know you can come to me".
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