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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend just told me he is attracted to teenage girls. He says he would never act on it, but its a pervertion of his. I dont know how to feel about this..he is 34 years old and so am I. I cannot compete with youth... Is this sick or am I being paronoid?/ Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Dave31  +, writes (28 May 2008):
My replyI am a 31 year old male and sometimes I will find myself looking at a girl who is attractive but obviously way too young for me (16yr-19yr olds). Men are men, no matter what their age are or their maturity level is. You can be a nice guy or a complete jerk. It's called hormones. It is true, men are attracted to youth and beauty. It's a biological thing. We need someone with strong genes to conceve babys and women need someone who is strong and a good provider. That is why women are attracted to older (mature) men.David
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Ok people it has been three years. This is considered a dead thread. I'm sure by now she has made her decision.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): I'm 23 years old, bisexual and I'm attracted to adolesant teens. I find teenage girls sexually attractive and boys too from the age 13 and up.
I would like to live my life as a normal person but this has been a problem for a while now, I'm getting older but I still find young girls and boys sexually appealing.
With boys, I only find them attractive when they've hit puberty and I wouldnt go for boys unless they're atleast 14 but girls these days, they dress older and it makes the guys think, do they dress up because they want to feel older or do they want to get laid?
I have alot of sexual fantasies regarding young teen boys and girls. I know it's wrong but I feel like I'm still young mentally and somehow that feels like it's right.
When I was 11 I had a brain tumour and I was given hormone injections and medication to repair the damage of the brain tumour, and I feel that is probably or probably not something to do with it.
Inside, I still feel like I'm 17 or 18. I've only had sexual intercourse with a woman, and she was 17 at the time and I've slept with a few boys under the age of 16 and sometimes I wish I wasn't bisexual, but that I was just straight and life would be alot less complicated and more simple.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): I wonder how men would feel if their woman were lusting after underaged young men. lol And that they were lusting after their daughter's boyfriends. I wonder how many men would be so open minded about that. Maybe they should have their men dress up like boy scouts so that their woman can instead pretend to be having sex with an underaged male instead of their old, fat aging gross husband. lol
Your boyfriend sounds like a child molester. A grown man that is attracted to a young teen girl is clearly unstable and not mentally mature. Get a real man that actaully acts like a man and doesn't act like a little boy. Women like real men and men like real women. Only immature losers like little girls.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007): I would find a man who was attracted to young teen girls hard to trust and completely dishonorable. It doesn't seem like men really give women anything great to look forward to by trying to build a relationship with them if the only thing that really matter to men is the age of a girl. No woman wants to build a family with a man, care for him, treat him right, and the pay off she gets is he in turn will be looking at his daughter's friends. If men want us women to trust them, then give us something to trust. Being attracted to young girls, who mentally are children and who are not even full grown women, is not a trust worthy trait.If this is what men are *really* like, then men are really not nice people or honorable or deserving of love and families. Women want men to be protective of them, not exploitive. And what it sounds like is many men, even men with familes and that are married, rather be selfish and explotive.Maybe this woman's man is openning up to her telling him where his attraction lays, but if that is where his attraction is then he doesn't deserve this woman.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): that is wrong because he should not be looking at teens.
i think he is a weirdo
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2007): This is my own theory customized to you, Copyright Joe (last name upon inquiry) Why do women perceive that a men's natural physical attractions as attacks on their own sexual appeal? men often perceive this as low-self esteem or insecurity. This assumption of the males may very well be part of the natural course of our sexual evolution. BUT before my theory let me reveal the logical reality about your above-mentioned relationship: Unless the man is openly trying tells you, that in addition to his sexual attractions, that he also doesn't find you attractive, he is simply being open with you...Indeed if that hasn't happened, he is simply trying to be honest and forthright with you in what is apparently a close, honest, and intimate relationship. Let me explain: Men are naturally attracted to teenage girls, that is truly the norm. This is because, in nature, this attraction would be vital to cause the male to plant his seed in the new generation of breeding females (teens and young adults) in order to spread his blood line; and equally important, to prevent other males from doing the same. Thus ensuring his genes are spread before other males' genes. This desire to spread ones seed most effectively was created by sexual evolution. Activities and ATTRACTIONS which created the most offspring for a human become the norm, because those who undertake such actions have the most offspring. This offspring thus have the same behaviors and continue procuring more offspring because they inherited said behaviour. Thus all creatures have evolved sexually towards behaviours/attractions which provide the most offspring for them, and the fewer offspring for their competitors.And thusly your reaction, your behaviour, is equally natural. Most women have an innate desire to keep one protecting/providing male; and to prevent the loss of such a mate. For women unlike men, having a single mate is the most successful way to produce offspring. For females, like yourself, losing your mate would only disadvantage you and your offspring, and would allow other females to take your mate and spread their seed with him. He who you are attracted to innately because you view him as your provider (maybe, oftenly involuntarily). Women are attracted naturally to confident men because in nature for males to have confidence would imply many things. In nature confidence is allowed only to alpha males in animals related to us. If confident but not the strongest, a male would invoke attack from stronger more genetically appealing males. Thus in nature a confident male that was able to breed was alpha male, and by sexual evolution the most desirable for women. Being the alpha means being the strongest, and back in our evolution the strongest was the best provider. This makes his confident male's genes the only ones females desired; their bloodline would become the best and offspring would survive better with a superior provider. If a female obtained such a mate, allowing others to use his "good provider genes" is detrimental to her blood lines prosperity, and success over others.Therefor to describe your emotions as "insecurities" is as unfair as it is to call a males attractions "sick". Men on here have unfairly called you insecure when you take his attractions to others as a threat towards your own sexual appeal. This is simply something you will do naturally, as it is an evolved behaviour most beneficial to your offspring production. This "insecurity" triggers your own sexual behaviour to keep your mate. In nature had you seen him look at another female you would innately scold him to assuage his thoughts. This behaviour provided females with most success in nature, and thus evolved to the be the norm behaviour sexually. But interesting enough I theorize further than the male reaction to such female behaviour as "insecure" may be yet another sexually evolved trait. Men and women have completely controversial desires and needs in spreading their seed. For men as many women as possible is most beneficial. For women the most confident male mate out there is most beneficial, as is the act of keeping him to yourself only. His reaction to you becoming "insecure" may be a method males have evolved to break tight bonds between mates, so that they go and spread their seed elsewhere. But this may be a stretch, but certainly makes some sense.Ultimately hopefully it is clear that your mates attraction to teens is natural. And that you take such attraction personally as an attack on you is natural. So both of you need to avoid the evolutionary battle between the sexes, and look at the reality of the situation:He is attracted to teens, but he most likely still loves and is attracted to you if he is able to admit such things.Your reaction to become offended is a natural reaction to keep your mate, but these emotions do have any foundation in reality unless he tells you he feels the way you think he does.If you attack him for his attraction and fear he is not attracted to you because of these, then you may cause ultimately your fears to be materialized.Because, males have sexually evolved to react negatively to your "insecurities" because THAT makes them less attracted to you, so they break the tight bond of love and pursue other mates.BOTTOM LINE: Tell him how his attraction makes you feel, but explain to him how you understand that he loves you but cannot help simply being attracted to other females and teens. Explain that if he could avoid making his innate attractions obvious to you, you would feel less "insecure"; because that "insecurity" is natural and unstoppable as well.Then you will have a happier relationship accepting each others sexual nature, but making decisions that most benefit the bond of love without triggering your sexual behaviour arsenal to fire.Science is Key. Joe [email address blocked] [email address blocked]Copyright 2007
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): There seems to be some research in evolutionary psychology suggesting that it is indeed normal for men to find teenage girls attractive. For example, the reason long legs are considered sexy on a woman is because teens have legs which are disproportionately long in comparison with their torso. (i.e they hint at burgeoning sexuality).
I would therefore be wary of any man who claims he does NOT find teenage girls attractive as he is essentially saying that he is not a man at all. What IS of consequence is whether you trust a person, male or female, to do the right thing in a given situation. What differentiates a good man from the 'sickos' and 'perverts' is not what he fantazises about at night, but what he does in real life. The man in question already appears to possess a rare amount of honesty, I would imagine his self-control to be at least equal to that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): I think people are reading too much in to this.
The question is to vague, really.
Who knows what degree of sexual attraction this question asker means. Does the man mean he is sexually attracted to "teenagers" or teenagers who look sexually attractive and happen to be teenagers?
Many teenagers dress in a way that sexually attracts men.
There's a big difference between finding someone sexually attractive and someone seeking a sexual relationship with that person.
I wonder how many male actors and models aged 30 + in the media the anonymous 16-yr-old girl below me would find sexually attractive? Help from a therapist, really...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): I am a 16 year old girl and that is just creepy. I think he needs to get help from a therapist or something. Honetly, if i knew that and you were friends of the family i would feel akward around him all the time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): That doesn't make sense Ms. Anon below. [sigh] I don't see how this is sick - by who's authority is this sick? That's like saying if you're not totally with one religion, then you're a sick person, or if you aren't totally heterosexual, then you're sick, or if you sleep during the day and work and play during the night, then you're sick.
What is attraction? Is attraction an universal law that dictates each and every single person out there? This is like that thread about cousins having sex - who dictates that cousins are wrong to have sex with each other? You? Me? They? Who's they? Who are you and who am I to dictate that it's wrong?
It's like those Neo Nazi gay bashers - they go around and beat and murder homosexuals just because they are doing something that ISN'T AT ALL related to them. I mean, how wrong is that to condemn them for something unrelated to them?
Yes, so you're a parent and you're worried about some 20+ year old falling for your teenage daughter or son. If you don't know already, the physical embodiment of a person has a very high chance of NOT being the same of their mentality and emotions. There is the natural chemical, emotional, and tidbit influences that make us who we are. Just like how can a 32 year old woman fall for a 68 year old man. Some say it's for his money, others say it's something else, but only that woman knows why for sure. Just like how can a caucasian woman from Alabama fall for an African from Ethiopia.
There are many factors. We were all once teenagers. We were all once twenty year olds. We were once MILFs and cougars. There is a HUGE spectrum of desires, needs, sexual awareness and influences that drive us to different levels of attraction.
The 'wrong-doing' of an older man or woman being attracted to someone younger is relative to the combination of age and mental maturity. You can't just point out that a 35 year old is wrong for being attracted to a 15 year old. You have to give viable reasoning why it's wrong. You can't just say it's wrong because the law says it's illegal to have sex with someone so young. No sh*t? But what about morality? What about personal ethics? What about connective attraction? There are so many factors of all degrees that make this such a gray area, when it's so obviously not.
It is only wrong because you say it's wrong, but unless you can prove that it's wrong universally, then the subject in view isn't actually wrong. We know murdering a baby is wrong - it's obvious because we take away the life of someone who hasn't done anything to deserve death. It doesn't benefit anyone to do so, and even if it does, it takes away the chance for the baby to make a choice to live or not. In the ideal of attraction, there is no life or death situation, there is no preservation of security and welfare.
The law of your state shouldn't dicate your own morals. It is your morals that should dictate what you feel is ethically possible. The law is an enforcment tool to help protect a general idea. However, the law doesn't actually protect the individual.
Enough of my rant. Those who say this is sick make me sick. Think hard and objectively before you judge so exactly.
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female
reader, xox_longhorn_hottie_xox +, writes (3 January 2007):
Okay it is like rlly sick, i know!!! But it is like so normal for guys to do that!!! Because when you think about it guys are a form on perverts!!! Srry guys!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): It is totally sick. I am 15 and i think if you see him looking at teenage girls then you need to tell him that it is not right for him to look at younger girls that way. Just think if you all got married and had kids and when one was around 14 years old and had friends over. Wouldn't you hate it if your kids found out that he liked teenage girls in that way??? I think you need to find someone who see's women his age attractive!!!
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reader, David Lewis  +, writes (19 August 2006):
 Why is there something wrong with it?
If she is legal, which in the UK, it is, why is that a problem?
I am 29, my fiancee is 16, we are very happy and very much in love.
To us, age is but a number.
I am not attracted to teenage girls, the fact she is a teen is unimportant. I would feel the same if she was 60, I love her for who she is, not how old she is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2006): thats kind of weird 30 year old checking out a 16 year old? hell that could be your daughter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): as a male, i think a sexy girl/women is sexy regardless if she is 16 or 30 you know? Alot of times we forget how old we are, i wouldnt worry about it so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2005): I am a 30 year old male who works in the field of gender issues and I find this debate very interesting, and quite weak on the part of the older guys who are admitting to being attracted to young female teen girls. Funny how on this forum, men write in and say it's okay to sexualize teen girls as long as other men are writing in and concurring with them. It truely is a real "old boy's club" out there and I wonder why many of them cannot think for themselves. The recent poster who got accused of being a christian and having conservative politics for merely voicing his thoughts, is a good indicator of someone who doesn't care what others think and my hats off to him. The fact is, he took a stand against for what seemingly is becoming a perverse, degrading way of thinking as far as some old guys go. As for the poster who accused him (because he couldn't think of anything else, half-assed intelligent) I have to say, if for no other reason than to affirm your masculine bona fide ego, "Do you not think you can't control where your eyes go and where your mind goes?" We must treat this young generation of girls with radical unselfishness, and that requires that we ourselves always refrain from sexualizing them. Many of you likely have teen daughters the same ages at home, as the ones you so boldly disrespect and sexualize. But what we should all insist on, for both young and older men, is that sexual desire, no matter how powerful, cannot be used as an excuse to rob these young teen girls of their humanness. Remember guys, whether a teen girl is in sweats or in short shorts, how you perceive her is ultimately your responsibility and your choice. Young teenaged women need older men in their lives who will respect and care about them, who aren't their fathers or brothers but who aren't prospective lovers, either. They need to know that they bring more to the table than their sexuality. They need to be seen as complete human beings. And just because a teenager can "talk circles around people" doesn't give us, the adults, the right to dehumanize them. C'mon, they're kids-be a better role model than that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2005): "The one poster who stated that this letter would get a some controversial replies was correct! It seem your letter has opened up a can of worms. And have you noticed, many of them seem to be a tad defensive? Amazing how the male ego uses irrational reasoning to cope with anxiety by attempting to explain away this 'issue" of being attracted to teenaged girls (young enough to be their daughters) with dishonest explanation or just plain stupid justification. These guys are merely providing a false aggressive rationale for their less than commendable behaviour. The result is impaired judgement and profound disrespect for all women, on their part.Your bf's attraction to adolescent teen girls is commonly regarded by psychologists, as problematic, especially when it interferes with other relationships, as it can become an obsession adversely affecting other areas of life, or causes distress to you. And judging by your letter, it has caused you some huge concerns. My definition of perversion is degradation, depravity, dishonor and vulgarity. I beg to differ with these males that have posted their opinions...stating this behaviour is 'normal'? I am a happily married adult male myself, and it needs to said that 'these' adult males need to behave in a mature, trusting fashion, and learn to be wise, noble, admirable role-models to the younger generation of teen females.. not sexually objectify them and treat them like they are their to serve their selfish desires. To admire beauty and attractiveness, in this world is one thing, but when an adult man feels sexually aroused by viewing a young teen girl-something is wrong in his head and in his sense of values. It makes me wonder how he would feel knowing that other adult males are viewing 'his' teen daughter, in this way. Perversion, you bet it is and I feel pity for so many of the adult males who do this. I feel even more sorrier for the young teen girls that have to tolerate their disrespectable behaviours."you have very well thought out lies and self-delusions. BTW,thanks for being politically correct and towing the party line. you wouldnt be a rightwing conservative christian man would you? teen girls are not fragile little china dolls that need be stored on a shelf till that day at 18 when they magically transform into a woman as she sleeps. young people have minds of their own,and until you learn to respect them,they wont respect you either. maybe the reason why so many kids today are immature is because they are coddled and kept in a vacuum until they are 18-25? there is nothing morally superior about ignorance,and i have met kids that could talk circles around people like you until you end up calling them tramps or worse for lack of a better response. not all girls act like laura ingles from little house.if i were a girl,i would find our societies attitudes about young females to be insulting,and im surprised the feminists havent stood up for their younger sisters,but i guess sex is the domain of adult women only. gotta keep the competition to a minimum,right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2005): The one poster who stated that this letter would get a some controversial replies was correct! It seem your letter has opened up a can of worms. And have you noticed, many of them seem to be a tad defensive? Amazing how the male ego uses irrational reasoning to cope with anxiety by attempting to explain away this 'issue" of being attracted to teenaged girls (young enough to be their daughters) with dishonest explanation or just plain stupid justification. These guys are merely providing a false aggressive rationale for their less than commendable behaviour. The result is impaired judgement and profound disrespect for all women, on their part.
Your bf's attraction to adolescent teen girls is commonly regarded by psychologists, as problematic, especially when it interferes with other relationships, as it can become an obsession adversely affecting other areas of life, or causes distress to you. And judging by your letter, it has caused you some huge concerns. My definition of perversion is degradation, depravity, dishonor and vulgarity. I beg to differ with these males that have posted their opinions...stating this behaviour is 'normal'? I am a happily married adult male myself, and it needs to said that 'these' adult males need to behave in a mature, trusting fashion, and learn to be wise, noble, admirable role-models to the younger generation of teen females.. not sexually objectify them and treat them like they are their to serve their selfish desires. To admire beauty and attractiveness, in this world is one thing, but when an adult man feels sexually aroused by viewing a young teen girl-something is wrong in his head and in his sense of values. It makes me wonder how he would feel knowing that other adult males are viewing 'his' teen daughter, in this way. Perversion, you bet it is and I feel pity for so many of the adult males who do this. I feel even more sorrier for the young teen girls that have to tolerate their disrespectable behaviours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): "Report him as a sexual predator"!!?? Man, I'd love to hear that police report.Anyway... everyone finds things that are scarce valuable. Now that he is middle aged, the bf finds younger women are attractive. Meanwhile teen girls reject teen boys because they are around them all the time, but 'older men' are rare. And appearently Desperate Housewives are after teen boys because all their peer group is middle aged. Nothing to worry about...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): most of the responses on here have been pretty good so far. i would have expected far more "he is sick" comments as the word"sick" seems to be the new "cool." jealousy is a BIG issue for alot of women. many women will turn in their bf/husband not because they are worried really about the minors welfare so much as they are about what they feel is rejection. simply put,they do it to get even. as for dressing up and roleplaying,that can be fun for both woman and man. it NOT degrading at all if you both enjoy it.if women would try a little harder to be fun and creative for the one they claim to love,then less women would have to worry about men straying. you want a knight in shining armor,but you dont want to play the sweet,innocent princess.real life is not romantic like a movie or a book. you have to give a little effort to make it fun,especially after the newness of the relationship has worn off. any woman who cant understand what i am trying to say is too self involved. adapt or be left behind. get a real man? fine. he can also find a real woman...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): Ha! Are you kidding?? It's friggin biological. Now some of those right-wing religious freaks might go "OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD protect the children protect the children!!" and get all paranoia-like. But quite frankly, us males...and I'm sorry about this ladies...we got friggin biology on our side. Look at the ENTIRE animal kingdom. What age do females become before males go completely nuts over them?? That's correct, RIGHT AFTER PUBERTY.I say if your man is NOT attracted to teen girls, then he IS a freak!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): I am a 38 yr old father to three, and met my wife when she was 16. I found her to be beautiful and irresistible. I have the ability to see beauty in any female, no matter the age. What irritates me most is that as we grow through our teen years, we are expected to find same age people attractive, but then somehow this attraction is supposed to turn sour and change tosomething else? I don't get it. I'm the same person I was when I was 10, when I was 15 and when I was 20. I find thesame things attractive then as I do now.I say that for anyone to find beauty and be attracted to anyone regardless of their age is perfectly natural, butpeople repress it and deny it after being corrupted bymodern society's news and television, other media that blowsreports of the few bad apples that abuse, abduct and murderway out of proportion.so I say to the poster, be very happy your man has opened his heart to you, he's showing a great deal of faith and trust, and =that= is the what you should be dwelling on.This one is a keeper. Don't drag the issue to his family,or worse, to the police, you will literally ruin the rest of his life, and for what? Oh, and anyone reading this has crawling skin about the ageof my wife and I, be advised we were only born one month apart. Stop the brainwashing of the media before it destroys us all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): Yes, it's perfectly normal. Don't listen to the hysteria-mongers who will try to tell you that your boyfriend is some type of sex criminal...this is simply a knee jerk cultural reaction to something that is quite common. There is nothing unusual about older men being attracted to even young teen girls. The fact that it's not socially acceptable in the current socio-cultural climate doesn't make it a "perversion." Also, please do not feel bad because you are in your 30's...there are many men, including younger men, who have a preference for women in your age group, and older. As regards your situation, due to the current laws, it seems that your boyfriend will not (and cannot) act on his preference for teen girls. So as long as he still finds you attractive, and loves you as you are, there is no reason you cannot stay with him. This is no different than if your boyfriend confessed he was bisexual. As long as he is attracted to you, he has strong feelings for you, and he is a good person (which has nothing to do with who he is attracted to), then he is certainly a "real man." No need to end the relationship just because he is a hebephile (adult with a preference for teen girls). Hebephilia (or ephebophilia) is very common. Again, don't listen to the haters in society...they are using their emotions, and not their brains, to give you advice. Also, you cannot arrest people for what they MIGHT do...people need to control their emotions, because it seriously clouds their judgment. Don't fall into their trap. If your boyfriend is a good person, then stand by him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): Yes, the attraction is "normal" - this coming from a teen girl. Let me just say that teen girls get looked at more than adult women would like to think. When I go out looking nice, or one of my friends does, most of the guys around will check us out. It's normal. Like some other poster above said, teens being considered children is something particular to this time period. Our culture has changed, but our instincts haven't. Just because we don't have to get married early anymore doesn't mean the attraction is unnatural. As yet another poster said - if you search for a man who isn't attracted to any teen girls, then you will either end up alone or with a liar.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): Normal... I guess you'd have to define normal because personally I think normal is an illusion.
First off don't dare report him or question him at all about if his feelings are sick and repulsive and he should be locked up and be kept far away from kids. Your first responder is exactly the type of person who makes innocent people pay for having nothing more than a fleeting attraction. And causes more harm and paranoia in this world.
Now, honestly mommy of three and your latest anonymous poster have it the most right. He's being honest with you. If you really like this guy than you owe it to yourself to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Roleplaying is an option if he's the type, but not everyone is the type to like roleplaying and unlike what Irish49 says it is only degrading if you feel it's degrading. Everyone has fantasies some more secret than others, some darker than others, but in the end it's just a fantasy. And you have the benefit that he is interested in you too.
Let him revile in his fantasies but come home to you every night. But also do yourself a favor and treat him the way you'd want to be treated if you felt like he did, and hold no less expectations of him
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): i am a married man with kids,ok? let me tell you some truth,since so many men feel a need to lie. most men ARE or have BEEN attracted sexually to a minor at some point in their life. they keep it a secret or lie when confronted about it(usually violently)because most people have the wrong ideas about human sexuality. just because a man can find a 14 year old girl attractive does not mean he is a rapist. recognizing beauty in a girl who is coming into her own is not a bad thing as long as he respects her and the laws of the land. i doubt you have anything to worry about if he really loves you. only you would know that. i love my wife and even though we both "look" and flirt with others,we dont cheat,regardless of age. adult women have something to offer that younger ones lack,so dont sell yourself short. too many women worry about competition from younger females. frankly,if you see a little girl as competition,then its you,not your husband/bf that has the problem. work on your self-esteem and trust issues. even if he leaves you for a younger person,that says nothing about you...it just means he is a selfish person who couldnt really appreciate you for who you are...and you are better off without such an immature male.
good luck,and have faith...not all men are pigs...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): A man attracted to teenage girls? That's not perversion, that's just redundant.
Seriously - if he's not attracted to teenage girls, he's gay. I don't know if this is the man for you or not, you'll have to make that decision based on what you know about him. But at least he is honest about this, which is more than most men would be. Keep in mind, too, that decent men form relationships based on more than just sexual attraction (though it helps).
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): I agree with the first reply at the top of this page by the man in his mid 30's.
I am 38 and yes, most heterosexual men, if not all heterosexual men, are attracted to teen girls.
By far, it is no where near "sick".
He's a healthy adult male, just like myself and most men.
Having an attraction is one thing.
Acting upon those attractions is another, because there are so many things to consider.
I have also admitted to being attracted to teen girls to several of my friends and they all know I am far from being "sick".
And ignore any comments that your boyfriend is a "potential predator" because that's a crock.
"Real MeN' have attractions and being a "real man" is admitting to that and knowing when to act upon something and when not to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): The big issue is loyalty: Does he have eyes for you and only you unto death do you part? If he does, then it doesn't matter if he finds teenagers attractive, because he is loyal to you.
If he's not loyal to you, then it doesn't matter if he is attracted by 14 year old girls or 40 year old women, because you shouldn't be dating a two-timer in the first place. Also, just because he is attracted to SOME 14 year old girls does not mean he is attracted to ALL or even MOST of them. I'm attracted to women my own age but in a room full of people only 1 or 2 will "spark" an interest on looks alone, if that.
He risked a lot telling you this. My gut says he is far less dangerous than if he didn't confide this in you. He may be looking for a life partner who knows his "secret" and can protect him from himself. He may be the very type of person that until he is married is a danger to society but once he finds "someone special" he won't ever stray again.
As part of your premarital counseling, I would recommend that you get counseling specific to this issue and draw up some type of "safety plan" if you plan on having teenage girls alone in the house or you are planning on having children together. People like this man can be very responsible parents if they know they are being watched by people who love them.
In any case, you should strongly consider telling his parents and/or siblings if they don't know already.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): Irish normally gives such common sense answers and this time I have to disagree. Also, other replys seem to have out more words into your boyfriend's mouth than you actually described, and as for that last reply I can see, my mother was 16 and her boyfriend was 28 when they chose to get married 65 years ago!
I think your boyfriend is very trusting to tell you his innermost feelings without realising the effect it would have. The one's that I think are risky are the ones who don't have the sense to not voice it in public, or even worse, act out their irrational fantasies. No normal man on this earth could look at a developed young woman of ANY age and not be attracted to her sexually (unless he is gay). What makes the man A MAN is he who realises that his brain has to rule rather than his testosterone and choose a partner that legally old enough, and if they are wise, mentally mature enough. In some cultures women marry and give birth as soon as they can menstruate, but generally men find happiness with a woman he can trust and confide his deepest feelings with. As long as yourbf does not contantly make you miserable making you feel inadequate or unattractive, then just tell him how you feel and you may find he is horrified to have been a bit insensitive.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): I am a man in his mid-30s. I can tell you that in my experience, most adult men (including myself) are "attracted" to teen girls - even young teen girls. Just last month I overhead a co-worker describing his 14 year old son's 14 year old GF as being "hotter than hell".
As long as your BF is also attracted to women your age, and is not committing crimes with teen girls, then there should be no problem with continuing your relationship.
If you insist on looking for a BF who is not attracted to teen girls, most likely you will just end up with a BF who is lying to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2005): You are interested in a man who has made it clear that his sexual attractions lay elsewhere and that perhaps, you don't quite fulfill his fanatsy of what he desires. You have found all this very distressing, you have to decide whether you want to continue a relationship with a guy who likes this sort of thing. You mention your concern about 'competing with youth'. You shouldn't have to compete, dear. People suggest you "role-play", dressing up like a young teen girl to turn him on. With all the healthy, adult sexual fun stuff we can do, why on earth would a women have to dress like this, to prove her love to this man's sexual preferences, by martyring and degrading yourself? The one thing a woman needs to learn is to read the information given to them by the men who capture their interest. A woman should really, really take note and listen to him and learn to adjust to the reality of what he's saying. Women who are reality-based in their relationships, learn to select men based solely on the his character traits and his values.
So with that said, I can't help wondering why any woman would want to stay with a man..so she can feed his sexual fantasies at the cost of her own self-respect. If that is the case, you wouldn't be the first, or the last, to turn themselves into an emotional Band-Aid. All the people who've tried that in the past, though, have found out that however much they love someone, they can't fix them. It was a lesson that cost them much pain and heartache.
I hope you will decide that as a wonderful, insightful woman, you do matter and you don't deserve to be messed around like this, but it's your life and you can invite what you want into it. I wish you every happiness and the strength to make decisions that will add to your happiness. Good luck.
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female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (18 November 2005):
 Many of us have our secret attractions, things we would love to explore but because of our morals and state laws we refrain from ever taking part in such activities. In telling you this, he is not admitting to being any kind of deviant, he is just opening up to you. I doubt that he expects you to compete with anyone for him, if he did not feel very strongly for you this is a secret he would have kept locked safetly in his mind. It may even give you an opportunity to incorporate a little role play into your bedroom routine. What guy isn't turned on when their lover comes in wearing a tiny plaid mini skirt, button down top, white thigh highs and a pair of sneakers. Top it of with a pair of too cute pig tails and a lollipop and now you are the star of his fantasies! Unless he is hanging out at the local middle and high schools everyday, I wouldn't worry about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2005): Thank goodness, he would never "act on his perversions" or he'd end up, landing his his butt in jail! Your letter may possibly create a firestorm of controversy with some readers. It will be interesting to see the replys, especially from the males on this issue. I have strong opinions about this because many men think it's okay to sexually objectify young teen girls. I think it's sick. Firstly a question for you. Is your bf merely attracted to them or is he actually sexually aroused by them? There is a huge difference. In your bf's case, to be simply attracted and admire a teen girl's attractiveness and then goes on with life,is one thing. As we all know, many teen girls dress quite provocatively and many of them look like adult women, and many guys can't help, but notice. But remember, most of them are dressing this way to be attractive to teen guys...not adult males.
But, if the adult male is staring/dwelling on 'obvious-looking' teen girls long enough to be sexually aroused, this is quite another thing. To 'seek and look' for sexual arousal is an action that could go into, what I term as improper sexual behavioral. It's at this point, I feel he is crossing a line of propriety. If he is burning their images into his mind for later feeding of his sexual fantasies, he's coming dangerously close to a very worrisome sexual perversion.
Some older adult males do compulsively fantasize about teen girls (internet teen porn attest to this). Some sickos will start looking for them actively in the mall and if he flirts with them to try to take in more of their bodies for his selfish sexual purposes, and then tries to seduce them, he then becomes a sexual predator. When he touches them improperly, he becomes a child molester. It is not all that far a road from the beginning to the end, and it starts by going beyond being simply attracted to feeling sexual arousal and fantasizing about them. Almost every child molester will say-it started off by stating that what they did in their minds...was normal and that millions of men do it?? I say-hogwash. You simply do 'not' sexualize or objectify young teen girls.
I think your bf does have a problem if he is sexually aroused by young teen girls. And I don't think you are being paranoid. He needs some intensive professional help. As far as competing with his objects of desire...don't even try to. Kick his ass to the curb and let this guy go-there are so many wonderfully, healthy men out there who desire women their own age and are repulsed by men who are sexually turned on by teen girls. Staying with a man like this will just increasingly destroy your confidence in yourself..no woman deserves that. He's got the problem...not you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2005): You can not compete. You would not want to be with someone that wants anything other than you. My daughter's father was dating a teenager at one point and he can not see my child anymore because of it. She was 15 and he was 27. How SICK is that? I believe that you even asking the question confirms your beliefs. Report him to the local autorities as a future sexual predator and go find a real man!
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