A
female
age
51-59,
*ellimac
writes:I have been with someone for over three years. He has more than enough luggage with him that he carries, but all his family are deceased. I am going through a divorce now after knowing this person for three years. He knows all about it and has always said he would be there for me. The stressful times are when we talk about my ex, which i fully understand, but when you say you are there for someone and you know what they are going through why get so nasty. I moved out of my home last year and have a rented apartment. This has meant that we can spend time together properly but it has not gone the way i thought it would. Tbh i feel rather a fool. I did not give up what I had just to be with him, i could not live the life and have the stress I was under with my husband and leaving was the only option after 26 years married. He knew I was married when we met, a chance meeting. I knew has had lost his family over the years. The trouble is he has always used this as a weapon if you like that whenever I am going through a bad time it is nothing compared to what he has gone through. It probably is not, but I can not compete with people who are no living. I thought he wanted a life with me, he told me he did. He is a wealthy man, not that that has any bearing on my feelings for him. Having said that I have never seen any evidence of this. I have always paid my way with him. This past week I had some work done on my car, which originally he said he would help me with. When i found the courage to ask him if he would he said no he would not. My ex husband is not forthcoming with any money, and his answer to my question for help was that he would not subsidise his payments to me. I was asking for help for me for a small amount of money. Yes he has paid for dinner out etc but when we have been away to hotels I always paid my half. Did birthday and Christmas treats. He said he never celebrated these. My birthday is soon and when I asked him if he would be around that day he did not know. I am sorry, but i am just not used to this. In the early days of my marriage it was nothing like this. Granted things got worse over the years to the point where we did nothing together and I don't want that again. I want a life with someone who wants to be with me, who is not always on about money and how much it has cost to be with me etc. At the moment he has gone, left the keys to my apartment and although we have text they have been nasty ones always putting me down. Tbh they have been like that on and off for all the time I have known him and I probably should never have carried this on. The trouble is in the early days he showed me such care attention and love. I had had none of that with my husband in the last 16 years so be shown affection was something very new to me. I feel a complete fool now. I loved him very much despite his past and troubles, i really thought we would have a life together when I had moved out of my home. The trouble is all the things he said he was going to do have come to nothing. Perhaps there were warning signs there all along, i was too daft to see them. When we are together it is lovley, when there is no stress and nothing mentioned about my situation. If i had someone i knew in a similar situation and I had the means i would help them. I just don't understand him sometimes. When he choses he has a foul mouth on him and is absolutely nasty. He will go on about how much he has spent since we met and that is because he had lost is driving license and could not drive. No mention of the money i spent, which incidentially was money given by my husband. My present situation is I now work, after 26 years not working, and I just about earn enough to pay for my rent and bills. He has said more than once that he will not help me with any money or rent payments. Just writing this down now makes me wonder why I am bothering and why I have bothered for so long. I just wanted someone to want to be with me, give me some attention be kind and look after me instead of me having to do all the looking after. I just feel I have nearly got rid of a husband for another tosser who does not care at all and is not bothered whether we stay together or not. The texts from him tonight have been one after the other of putting me down. I am not a weak person at all. I just feel gutted that after all this time he still maintains he will not help. His life has not changed in over three years. He still stays living with an old school friend, despite having money and has nothing to show for all this "wealth" he says he has. I am not interested in his wealth i just wanted him to be honest with me. I feel I have been told one lie after another and after what I had gone through with my ex i really felt i did not deserve this as well. His life is complicated, more so than I have written here. But then I ask myself is it. Have all these things happened to him? I know none of his friends as they are all business people he does not socialise with. i just feel I have wasted all these years on a person that was not worth it, and another 26 years before with a husband who has now just cast me aside and has no intention of financially helping me. The stress and strain of this is not helpful with my relationship with this person, but he is not interested in listening to me. Then I ask myself is it me that is in the wrong, is that why he is like this towards me? I am confused unhappy and hurt at the moment. I have taken the week off work hoping we could spend some time together but that is not going to happen now. Everything he says to me sounds fine, but then it always changes. How the hell could i have ended up with someone like him after all the crap with my husband? It was a chance meeting on a cold wet January night, and how I wish I had not popped out that night. For so long I thought it was fate that bought us together, now I am not so sure. Is there anything as a chance meeting?? Totally confused hurt and tearful at this behaviour.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 June 2013):
 Wow you surley jumped out of the frying pan into the fire didn't you?
I think your own post, holds all the clues and all of the answers to be honest, maybe you just needed to write it all down and get it out of your head.
The marriage ending is one thing. The relaationship with this guy maybe speeded things along because you bought into this mans bullshit and believed you were moving onto a better thing...but obviously that's not going to happen.
Summising on the overall character of the man based on what you have said, makes me think he's a bit of a fantasist. He portrays himself as this wealthy kind caring man but the reality is that he is abusive, suspicious, fickle and most likely not wealthy at all...which also makes him a liar!
You have seen no evidence that he cares for you, other than words! It seems he was only interested in you whilst you remained married (even though you told him you wanted a divorce, he may have assumed you'd never do it). Some men prefer that because they never have to make a commitment, they know married women are vulnerable and attention hungry so they can feed you any bullshit they want to keep you wanting more, in turn this gives them the attention and sex they seek...but now you ARE getting a divorce, he cannot 'pay up' so he is using diversionary and abusive tactics to keep you at armslength!
Have you been had?...yes. Was it fate that you met him?...maybe, because perhaps he was the catalyst for you to end an unhappy marriage, even though you are not meant to have a new life with him.
I saw some positives in your story. The fact that you are now working and have set up your own home is a massive boost to your life. Even if things are tight with money, you are learning to survive.
Another positive is that your words show that you are no fool and you are beginning to see this man for who he really is...it's a very bitter pill but you are now armed with the knowledge that people CAN be very misleading.
The last positive that I saw was your future potential to meet someone else, but maybe you need some time alone to learn more about yourself and what you truly want. Divorce makes you tough (I know because I have been through it), you find strength that you never knew you had and it makes you more focussed and organised...and with that comes opportunity.
Right now you are playing the sad lost little girl, who feels cast out by a husband and rebuffed by another who you assumed would love you forever!...what can I say...life is hell at times, but it will be the making of you if you play it right!
Accept that both relationships are over. Don't let the lover back into your life because it's very clear he has no intention of giving you what you need...a life with him would probably be worse than that with your ex husband (I am also a t-shirt owner of this particular scenario).
Get yourself free and look after YOU, fight back and tell him that you are no longer interested because you have seem him for what he is...a lying, anchorless, unmotivated tight arse who's abusive, unkind and unreliable!!...who need that?
I guarantee you will agonise and then you will feel much much better!!
If you keep wishing and hoping he's going to be the knight in shining armour who saves you...you are headed for a whole LOT of pain that will drag on for years and years...and with your strength all gone, you will be lost.
Good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): "I did not give up what I had just to be with him, I could not live the life and have the stress I was under with my husband and leaving was the only option after 26 years married"This is your answer. You did not leave, to be with him. So, you don't have to be with him.It sounds to me, like he is a fake. IF he has wealth, then he sounds selfish, and IF NOT, then he sounds like a lier.Yes, it is possible to have a difficult marriage, and then for the next relationship to turn out difficult too. But, you can be strong on your own. Be on your own. You will find you become the happiest and healthiest and strongest and best you there is. We need that time between relationships, to rebuild ourselves again. To become strong again, and to find our true selves.Your marriage was stressful, and when you let go of this unhealthy relationship, and be on your own, you are going to have no stress in your life, and you will start to love life again.It may be frightening right now, especially knowing you have to be totally responsible financially for yourself, but you will be strong, and work it out. Whatever it takes, you can do this.It sounds to me like you have been given a lucky escape.
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