A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 24 and my partner is 28 and we have been together for a year and a half. Although we love each other the chemistry in the bedroom isn't sizzling... We keep fighting and getting frustrated with each other about whether we are having sex or not, how 'vanilla' our sex is and premature ejaculation. I have pointed out to him that we only have vanilla/normal sex and that he isn't open to try new things. He says that he is open, but then rejects any kinky ideas I come up with straight away. I'm interested in a threesome, sex toys, bondage, role play, sex outdoors, dressing up etc. I feel like he is judging me. Even spontaneous sex like in the kitchen he isn't keen for. I've asked him to see a sex therapist with me but he doesn't want that. Frustrated!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): You say that he is judging you, but you are also judging him. Telling someone "you only like vanilla, boring sex" can be taken as an insult and a referendum on their sexuality. It's not that you're wrong, it's your approach. When you insult him, he shuts down, which is why he refuses your suggestions. Try telling him what you want instead of what he is doing wrong. Instead of saying "you don't like the right sex", say "You know what would make me really horny? I so badly want to try (fill in the blank)". This includes him in making you feel sexy, instead of telling him that he sucks, which protects him and makes him more open to new ideas.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 And I want to add, that my previous boyfriend was like yours. Almost anyway. He was boring in bed, although when I look back he did introduce me to a new position or two. However, it was still so vanilla, because no matter what I made him do, even if I had outdoor sex with him he was just going thorough the motions. He was so passive in bed, I had to initiate everything, I had to take charge all the time, he was just laying there. It was so boring, that he was actually a more passionate lover when he was sleeping! Because then at least he let lose and took control (maybe you wont believe me, but he was a person who had sex in his sleep, he'd talk and move and everything, but be sound asleep).
So you see it doesn't matter if you make a man try new things with you, when the passion isn't there. The chemistry between me and him just wasn't right. He was never lusting after me, he was always so passive. He never really did anything except for what I told him to. Again.. so passive. I could tell him to scratch my back, but I had to remind him to do it all the time, and you know.. it kills the passion if you need to constantly tell him how to touch you. That's not passion, that's taking orders. I knew his heart wasn't in it, I could see it in his eyes, and feel it in his movements.
I thought that I could live with it, I loved him, I could get by having such a blah sex-life. But we broke up. And now I'm with my new boyfriend who I have the unbelievable chemistry with. And I am soooo happy I didn't settle for a bad sex-life. You'll be happy too, once you enter a relationship with a more compatible man.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (25 February 2013):
No, this isn't the guy for you. I can say that right away, because when things are "blah" in the bedroom and the chemistry isn't there... all you have is a friendship/room-mate situation. Without passion and chemistry it's just boring mechanisms, and you can get the same pleasure from masturbation.
No, this isn't the guy for you. He needs someone just as vanilla as him in the bedroom, and you need someone who actually is as passionate as you.
I'm a very passionate and open woman, I have had threesomes, lesbian sex, outdoor sex, kitchen sex, bathroom sex, you name it. However I found that when the passion is there, I don't really pay any attention to where we're at or how we're doing it, or if we're trying new things all the time. Because with the right man, and with chemistry, even plain ol' missionary in the bed becomes hot and steamy and mind blowing.
So definitely.. no. He's not the man for you if you need to "make up" passion that isn't there. You wont have a great sex life with him even if he decides to actually try new things, because he's without passion, and it will feel just the same as when you are in bed. You don't have the right sexual chemistry to achieve what you dream of. You don't want a threesome because you want three naked people in a room and get off to that idea. You want a threesome because you're curious, excited, intrigued, you want to smell and touch and see and experience and feel new things. He doesn't. And if he said yes to a threesome he'd be standing in a corner looking embarrassed, and it'd feel awkward. So just making him do new things wouldn't mean there's passion there... You'd still not get what it is you're looking for.
My man is very traditional in bed actually. Doesn't want threesomes, barely looks at porn, doesn't have a need to try toys or different things. But I don't miss any of the extremely wild stuff, because what he does he does so well, and with so much passion, and we have such a great chemistry... that everything just feels amazing no matter what it is he does. He can just look at me with a certain glance without even touching me, and I go crazy.
That's what you want. And it's something you can't force him to be, or make him do, because it just isn't who he is, and the chemistry between you can't be created by force. Chemistry is either there or it isn't.
Sure, you love him. But this wont do in the long run.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 A friend of mine (a girl) once said,"Let those that don't want any...live in fond memories of never gettin' any" Seems applicable somehow. If "kinky" is not his thing ..his loss...tough...let him find a chick that wants to lay back like a missionary and comment on how the ceiling needs painting while he's frantically trying to achieve satisfaction. snoring will wake him up in the am.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (25 February 2013):
I find your suggestion that he needs a sex therapist kind of amusing. There's nothing wrong with him (except maybe premature ejaculation).
As everyone else said, you two are simply too different to be together and be happy. Sometimes relatively small differences can be big enough that they cause fighting and resentment.
There's no point in continuing the relationship because you'll never be able to be happy with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2013):
 I have to say I agree with Cerberus, you two are JUST not compatible in the bedroom.
Personally I don't think EITHER of you need to see a sex therapist - you two just have VERY different taste in what you like sexually, nothing wrong in EITHER.
No amount of "therapy" will make him change how he feels about sex, and WHY should he? That would be like saying YOU should be content with vanilla for the rest of your life. Obviously, you AREN'T.
So long run, you two need to find new partners if sex means THAT much to you both. Find someone who are compatible IN and OUT of the bedroom.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 February 2013):
 When a woman and a man are as far apart as you describe, about a subject as important as your intimate lives together... then it's time to agree that you aren't sufficiently compatible to spend any more time together. Make the break, and the two of you can get on with your lives with new partners...
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): He won't discuss it or change, he won't see a therapist and he has good reason to.
OP you're just not sexually compatible.
He doesn't like that kind of sex, you're never going to get that kind of sex from him, so either accept that or move on to a more adventurous guy.
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