A
female
age
51-59,
*edup123
writes:hey! this may be a long question since the story itself is quite long winded so please bear with me as advice would be greatly appreciated! my boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years. i have 2 children from a previous relationship, 15 and 18, and he has three children aged 8, 12 and 15. my children live with me and his live with his wife. this is where the story gets complicated. when i first met him he was going through a hard time, having been accused of rape (and then being cleared at court) losing his job, his marriage breaking up etc. we got close and he moved in soon after the relationship began. the problem now relates to a few issues. 1. since we have been together he has made no effort to divorce his wife, even though he claims he 'hates her' as she constantly 'hassles him', and yet he claims he also wants to marry me 2. he regularly stays round his wife's house, when i challenge him about this he says he stays there for the sake of his children as they miss him. i do not mind him spending time with his kids, in fact i encourage it, but i do not understand why it's necessary to actually stay round his wife's house as it makes me feel uncomfortable! we have argued about this many times, even ending with him moving out at one point then promising he wont do it again, but he always ends up staying back there 3. when i met him i knew he was a recovering coke addict. my teenage daughter has told me on many occasions that she's seen him acting suspicious and making suspicious drug related phone calls. however, i dont know how true this is as my daughter doesn't like him much. she has also told me she's seen him with his wife in the car when he's supposed to be at work. again, i dont know the truth in it.hes recently got a job but doesnt give me all that much money from his wage packet, saying that he needs to give it to his children. up until now hes barely paid a penny since hes been jobless. the question is, am i being taken for a mug? i love him with all my heart but my daughter thinks im being taken for a fool. what can i do?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 July 2010):
 Correction.. don't know about the drugs, but he is definately trying to go back to his wife.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 July 2010):
1) He loves his wife, circumstances that he could not control destroyed his marriage. He'd leave you in a second if he could get her back.
2) He is active in his wife's life because he's trying to win her back.
3) He dosen't give you money, because your the good samaritan, the one who looks after him and fixes him up. Your not the person he puts first, he needs his money to give to his first family.. Unfortunately you come last.
4) Your daughter is not lying. She may not like him, but she wouldn't lie about something as serious as this. She tells you what she sees. If you were happy with this man, she would keep her mouth shut. But your unhappy and for all the support you give him you get nothing back. That's why she tells you what she is seeing. If this man was treating you right she would not feel the need to warn you about what he is doing
5) You give everything, he's been hurt, this is his lowest point, he takes what you give and is gratefull, but he would dump you in a second if he could get back his old life the way it is..
Mug is too harsh a word. Your a kind a loving woman, your trying to build a relationship with a man who is free.. But, yes, I believe he takes drugs, I don't believe your daughter lies, and I don't believe this man puts you first.. That's what I can see from what you wrote.
Sorry, that's what I see....
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (11 July 2010):
 Hey I'd have to say I'd be pretty suspicious here too. He sounds like he's having his cake and eating it too. Wouldn't it be interesting to be a fly on the wall when he stays at his ex's place and see what he's telling her about you?? You can pretty much guarantee he's feeding her a pack of lies too. I don't think you should place a huge amount of trust on this guy, his actions are not those of a caring and committed partner. I have to say I think your daughter is probably seeing him a lot more clearly than you are given she has no rose tinted glasses on. Personally I'd give him the flick there are other men out there who would treat you better and the longer you are with him the longer you are closed off to other opportunities.
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