A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My LDR is turning kind of confusing. My bf and I have been dating a short while and we spent abt a month together before he left. He wanted this, but when he left, he started going hot and cold. Yes we skype, but other then that its like he didn't exist. Just the other day I find out he isn't sure, when a couple weeks earlier he wanted us to be bf/gf. I told him I either date the guy I'm emotionally attached to or I completely cut contact (that helps me get over someone I care about, for me being friends w/a former lover is torture). He said we would take the relationship slow, that I needed to just be patient w/him as he has been hurt from the past. i told him I would support him, but not wait forever. Now whenever I brought up being hurt, frustrated or confused he told me I should leave so he doesn't hurt me cause he cares for me. Eventually he told me he is close to making a decision and that he is leaning towards staying w me, the other option ending the relationship, if I stress. I feel like this isn't normal if you truly care for a person, there won't be any question that you want to stay w/them, esp at the very start. Is he leading me on? I am going MIA as far as he is concerned and as hard as this is, I know if he reaches out he wants me, if not then I don't mind him fading away from me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 July 2016):
 Am sorry sweetie but this guy is just messing with your head, I know you are holding on to some hope because he is the one that asked you to be in a relationship, but I think you know deep down it was only words. All he is doing now is messing with your head and making no effort at all to make a LDR work. You deserve better than him.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (17 July 2016):
 You've told him what's hurting you: feeling like a chore. He doesn't know how to stop, so it's now on you to tell him what would help or to stop being bothered by it, or to break up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is also the one who has had a LDR and was the one who organized everything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe do skype about once a week and I feel super connected. I have actually told him several times that I feel like a chore and he keeps reassuring me that I'm not. When I told him I felt hurt by his indecision he tells me I should "leave" before he hurts me more. I personally think that the simple solution would be asking whats hurting me, so that he can stop. I feel like he is making this more complicated then it should be.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (16 July 2016):
Did you suggest the dating options I gave you in your last post?
If not, here they are again: "Make time for a phone call every other night or something. Plan dates like watching a movie at the same time or cooking the same meal while on Skype, etc."
It's possible he's not made for an LDR or doesn't know how to make one work so, if you don't suggest it, you're partly to blame if he comes up with nothing.
However, LDRs need to have people who are dedicated to them and he doesn't sound sure, so you need to give him space and busy yourself with other things, or have a deep conversation about it on Skype and have a "stay or break up" answer by the end of it.
How often have you talked to him about being hurt, frustrated and confused?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to be there for him for his stress, but I refuse to be a band aid that he can throw out when he heals. It has been extremely frustrating figuring out what he wants. As I said he will say things to show he cares, but when I say he hurts me, he tells me I should leave so he doesn't hurt me. How is it not gonna hurt to leave someone I care about?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 July 2016):
 What he means is that he doesn't know how to deal with the stress of it. If the relationship is more stress than happiness, then it's not worth it. If you work with him, continue to build trust and deal with stress in a rational manner, and he still doesn't know what he wants then it is his baggage talking. Not just you questioning the direction of the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do want to work it out, as I said he was the one who came up w/the idea and has had a LDR before. He did ask me to be bf/gf, but just recently he told me he didn't know what he wants and wants to stay, but still unsure.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 July 2016):
I think what he wants depends on whether he will come back to your town, or if you will travel to him. It's normal to feel hurt, frustrated because of not knowing where you stand. There's nothing else he can do but skype and tell you about his plans. When you think about it, the only requirement to stay in this is to not stray and to keep each other updated about travel and future plans. The rest is just patient waiting. When he told you he wanted to be gf/bf, you either trust him or you don't.
He didn't give you a reassuring response when you said you were hurt. It wasn't quite what you want to hear. He's just being realistic. It's not meant to sound cold, like take it or leave it, tough lukc. So, if you want to be with him, no need to play hard to get, disappear so he would get the wrong message. Tell him you want to work with him, even if he doesn't know what his future plans are. Or, you decide you can't deal with this uncertainty, then end it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2016): He's controlling you because you're available for his games. Hard truth? It won't work, he's a kid and you need some self-esteem and understanding of a mature relationship. Good luck.
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