A
female
age
,
*handygirl
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years now, and we have had issues with his ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, and female friend emailing and calling him. It seems as though he just can't stay away from other women. He says that he no longer keeps in touch with these women, but, Since I accidently stumbled upon his emails, he since then has an extra email address on the side. Do you think he is being sneaky about still being in touch with these women?
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female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (11 January 2008):
shandygirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Once again... thank you IRISH 49.
I am in the middle of a Pending divorice with a man who owned properties and businesses. I wasn't a pampered woman though. I was his "Right Hand" person for 17 yrs, snd he ttreated me like a slave. I had 3 pairs of blue jeans to my name, a few raggety tops, a pair of tennis shoes, and 2 jackets to my name, while my husband who owned a "Men's Clothing Store" dressed like a king. I lived in a 5 bedroom-5 bath house, but was always at work. I worked 7 days a week, all day and all night. No intimacy, and no affection.
When I left my husband, I hooked up with my boyfriend, who I knew for a year, but didn't develop an interest in until after I left. He filled in all the gaps that I missed. Except for "OUR ISSUE" I was "Love Starved." I now have a job that doesn't really pay that well, and am stuggeling to pay the bills. I think I should write a book. LoL...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): Hi Shandy,
Thanks for your update. lol...I wish I was a professional therapist. I'd be making 200 g a year! Alas, like the rest of world..I get by with substantially less...a lot less *sigh* :) Why on earth do you think you don't have a great personality, Shandy? From what you said, I have to say--you need to work on why you are allowing yourself, to think about you have so 'little' to offer in a good quality relationship. You are a gorgeous 50+ years. You have classiness, wisdom and a lot to offer. Sounds like you have a home, a career and money. This is a guess..if he's been eyeballing the younger chicks, talking to other women...you are being played, emotionally. And used as a free meal ticket. Gosh, how that must cause pain inside you. Set some boundaries. You deserve to be tretaed with respect. Tell him he stops this crappy behavior or he's out. And next time you tell this guy to get out...stick to it and don't let him come back. Just stop settling for less.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (11 January 2008):
shandygirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHank you IRISH49... you sound like a professional Therepist. You advice is very sound. My bf & I have fought about this issue for a long time. A few times I told him to GET OUT, and I meant it. But he made up with me the next day. You see... for a year 1/2 now, I have been paying all the bills. The past few months, he has been bringing in money to help, and he finally landed a job. I feel that once he finally really starts making good money, he will probrably leave. I am 12 years older than him, but I look ok for my age. I am told tht I look about 42. But I guess looks don't really matter, when your personality isn't a great one... at least to someone who likes talkative & gitty women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): You said "we have had issues", which means this a disruption in your relationship. It sounds like this has been discussed a lot. So I have to assume you call him out on this behavior? I sure hope you are. I strongly feel YOU have to 'up the ante' on your your standards about what you will put up with in this relationship. I don't know your bf but it does appear you have a sociable bf who likes talking to women. But this doesn not necessarily mean he's ripe for infidelity. It could just mean he like female attention. It's simply...just an ego boost which likely means he's a bit immature. He needs the validation. At least I hope it's that. Let's just hope the women he phones/emails for friendly chit-chat, keep all this perspective. If 2 of them are exes, then we know they are exes for a reason. So I have to ask? Do you know these ladies? If not, then tell him, you want to meet these ladies. You have that right to make this request-most of us would insist on that, in a relationship. Tell him 'his friends are your friends'. Out of respect for you, he should be proactive and involve you in their lives, so you can gauge reactions and interactions between them all. Maybe that's all you need for reassurance here. Like I said..it's possible for the opposite sexes to be friends, if they can steer clear of the all the other possibilities.
Some people might just say, 'you have to trust'. Well, no you don't. Trust is always earned by consistant, loving, actions, throughout the 'entire' life of a relationship. It's a constant. Just because you 'have' trusted him in the past, doesn't mean you continue to be blinded to behaviors that concern you. Let him know how is behaviors are shaking this relationship up in a negative way.
I have a very good gf who is almost in the circumstance as you. She's shy, quiet...he's outgoing. One thing I can tell you--although he is friendly, loves to socialize and will 'eye' up a good looking woman or two...I do know, for a fact..how much he respects and loves her. She will not hesitate to nudge him and bring him back down to earth by being a tad sarcastic and telling to 'get his eyes back in head'. Some men are visual, some are not. Your guy is--but he does take the 'backview' thing a a bit too far. He's doing this to knock you off balance and he needs to know that when you are with him, this behavior is unacceptable and it's childish and you won't tolerate it. Stand up for yourself. I went on a date one time with a fellow and he kept eyeballing the chicks. I got up and left. So you have to grab his attention right away and let him know that what he just did was disrespectful to you. C'mon, set a few tough boundaries, hun. And make him listen to you. If taking a tougher stance with him doesn't work then it means he's not respecting nor being loving with you. Then it's time for you to rethink this relationship. Good luck dear and let us know how things go for you.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (9 January 2008):
shandygirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDR VENDETTA... I Love You... HA HA your answer was hilarious and it made me chuckle!
IRISH49... his emails to them are just friendly ones... but I do not know what his conversations on the phone are like. He talked to his ex-wife for an hour a few weeks ago, and to another girl for 2 1/2 hours. Plus when we are out and around together, he constantly looks at other women. Just 2 days ago we were at a restuarant together, a girl walked past, and he quickly looked back at her to check out her "back-view." He is 40 yrs old & a VERY social outgoing chatterbox type of person. I on the other hand... am quiet & sort of socially shy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): He is saying he's no longer in touch with these women for one of 2 reasons: 1) he has intent to cheat and he has something to hide or 2) it's all innocent and he truely likes them as people/friends, and doesn't want to upset you. (Especially if he knows how upset you are about this issue) So you have to answer a few questions here. First of all, what type of content were in these emails that you read? Was it just friendly banter or something, much more flitatious and tittilating? I think that would be your best indicator of what type of guy he isand his true intent. Write back and answer the questions...and we can help you better.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (8 January 2008):
 Yup, I'd say so. It sounds like he has trouble being faithful because he likes the attention or needs it due to an insecurity complex.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (8 January 2008):
 Hi,
How old is he? maybe he just likes the attention of females.
Tell him you dont like it, and you know about his other email address. Its not fair on you, even if they mean nothing to him. You should be his top priority, and he needs to see how this is upsetting you.
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A
female
reader, advicecupid +, writes (8 January 2008):
If you found an extra E-mail adress that you don't know of and seems like a girl's, of course he's cheating on you!The best advice I can give you is yo stay with him twenty four, seven and see his reaction when yo dont stop watching him. If he acts weird and says he needs to be alone or that he's gonna go to bar to hang with some friends, follow him and that way you will know.If he acts completley normal, then he's completley honest and loves you a lot.
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (8 January 2008):
 just create you own new email address like.. sluttyeasygirl@gmail or something like that and just email him and see if the worm takes the bait.
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